Two Confessions

I confess that I've been giving into eating junk food to ease the pain of me not having my porn/masturbation drug. There, I've said it here. Next I need to say it to someone who knows me and is close to me. I think my wife is more understanding of my problem with porn than she is with food!

Got a "No" for the last 48 hours. Maybe my attitude contributed to it. But last night I knew she didn't want to, and selfishly thought if I push it I'll feel bad knowing it's wrong. With porn I could pretend "she" wanted it as much as me. The naemless/faceless beauty always seemed so keen. But with my real relationship, my much-better bride and lover, that was not the case.

So I made the right choice to roll over. I was so tired, so sleepy after working in the backyard most of the weekend. Still, I wanted IT more than sleep. When I rolled over I felt these emotions wash over me: anger, resentment, sadness. I wan't sleepy anymore.

My mind is telling me that I should feel good and have an orgasm even out of context of a loving and intimate time with her. I've sorta brainwashed myself with all these images of instant and always ready bj's.

Choosing to masturbate doesn't work because it leaves me empty and sets off a chain reaction of guilt and pain.

Pushing her to pleasure me or let me use her to "maturbate" is wrong as well. I don't want to use her as one of those male sex-aid masturbation things. She's not a receptacle for my needs. Besides, it delays the hard work of facing my loneliness or pain or frustration, making it harder to face it next time. It isn't good for our relationship because it's using her and is kinda bringing her into my masturbation life. I can kid myself that maybe as I get turned on touching her that maybe, maybe she'll get turned on and we'll make love "properly". But I know she doesn't want to give out really.

Third and last choice. Not feeling good. Not having an orgasm. Triggering the anger and sadness and maybe missing the orgasmic feelings that help me sleep nicely. One thought that came from the last time I made this, the good third choice is.....

"I will never experience an orgasm easily again."

I mean never again quickly.

The porn movie where a rich guy sits around all day with one of his love-slaves taking turns blowing him... That was so unhelpful. Wanting a BJ in the middle of the day, a quickie is just B.S.

The kids are upstairs playing and I know they'll be happy and they won't disturb us downstairs. That's plenty of time.... to masturbate. Problem is, it's not enough time to make love. My brain goes crazy trying to rationalize a way to hope and manipulate and wish this isn't true.

Red Lizzard the Parasite

There must be a good analogy of a parasite that attaches itself to someone invisibly.

Then as it grows, the fact that it's stealing your life starts to show.

A really smart parasite will monitor itself and try to stay under the radar.

But when you declare war, when you go under the knife to get this parasite removed....

Then the parasite knows it's war. It pulls out all the stops and does anything and everything it can to get you to leave it alone.

I am not aware of unrealistic expectations toward my wife in our sex life. But now that I've declared war against this parasite, I'm wanting more and more from her. While porn was allowed to live in it's own little box, the lies were nurturing and growing unseen.

I don't believe that I really have screwed up my sexual expectations, but it's like the Japanese knowing they were about to loose the war, so they pulled out all stops and sent out the kamikaze pilots. It's too late for the addiction to try to stay under the radar. The war is now raging. I'm not gonna give up and I'm not gonna accept anything but death of this parasite. Yeah, I stumble and I get tired. I'm gonna give my kids some leadership show them a life of sexual freedom.

Taking a Little Less

Last night was a "No". I was getting frustrated with just going thru the motions and thought it was time for a break. I was laying there thinking, "It sucks that we don't do it in different places, different times, and that she never thinks of dressing for sex".

See I had accepted that it made sense to not make love tonight, but the whiney teenager just found something else to complain about. I was able to see this at the time, which is another vast improvement.

So today I thought, what would be the Biblical reverse attitude here? The attitude boils down to:

• selfish (selfless)
• taking (giving)
• holding on (letting go)
• and wanting control (yielding).

Black Hole

This addiction is really a bottomless pit.

I'm pushing, wanting demanding so much.

When she doesn't want to, when she's not "in that place"


I lower my standards and try for whatever I can get.

At this point, I'm going down the road of selfish and putting sex where it shouldn't be (like a drug).

Because after I've been graciously given an orgasm, I am left feeling guilty (cause I know I shouldn't have "taken" it) and I still feel cross and empty--now the excuse is that she, "Didn't want me".

So, lovemaking is there to make me feel wanted, but when I can't have it properly and I push for "the act" I'm still not feeling "wanted".

This doesn't really make any sense.

Normal/Healthy vs. LongTerm Side-Effects

All the trendy teaching about masturbation echoes how it's harmless, normal.

I remember Dr. Ruth giving a caveat I've heard plenty of times, "as long as masturbation does not effect relationships with people".

Well, it's taken me decades to see that my habitual masturbation does effect my relationship with my wife. These effects never showed until I tried to stop! As long as I had the option of taking matters into my own hands, our sex life and communication was great. But under the surface there was a growing and strengthening thing which burst out of me into our love life, and all aspects of our relationship.

As long as I didn't try to kill it, things were fine and seemed normal. Now that I'm crucifying it, it is lying and screaming and kicking like a spoilt selfish brat: "What about me!" "I want!" "I need!" "Me, Me, Me!".

God is good and things are better than ever. Problem is expecting it to be easier or faster.

GOD!!! Why?!!!

Why does me gaining weight hurt my chances for lovin',
but me eating right and/or losing weight not seem to help?

Why does me being "bound" usually screw up our chances to be close...
but me being "free" not have much affect on our intimacy?

Anything less than perfection knocks down the jenga tower,
but a good move, getting it right, still often results in nothing.

And is this painful place the only place where I can find healing? Is all the rest of my life just treading water?

Porn Exposed

Just listened to the XXXChurch.com podcast where they interviewed Ron Jeremy. Great the way they are friends with this guy. They disagree on many things, but accepting him and listening to him can make more differences (even eternal ones!) than winning any argument ever could do.

============================================

If they interview me for their show, what could I offer to others going through fighting this addiction? What have I learned? Can I bring any insight to anyone? Hmmm.... (stay tuned)

1 John 2:17-19

Spending some time on their site, listening to three different people in the "industry" really is a good way to view the girls as girls (someone's daughter, someone's sister) rather than meat.

It kinda breaks the magic of the fantasy when you think of the girl going home to her crappy apartment and trying to raise her daughter as a single mom, with the pressures of the addictive and exploitive environment. Plus porn has been shifting to more and more shocking and abusive stuff. Not titilating, not even about sex, more about humiliation and misogynism. Helps when wanting to stop needing/liking it and "hate the sin".

unraveling a few more threads...

...of the lie. little by little.. eventually....

Weird how I can want to hold on to my anger more than let go and enjoy real "proper" intimacy. Last night I was still cross about her not wanting to make love (for two nights running!). This was another day, but rather than moving on I felt it necessary to let her know that I'm not quite happy. How childish! I'm not supposed to dictate how she feels and acts towards me. I have no right to manipulate her into behaving the way I wanter her to!

For me, porn has given me an appetite for sexual stuff without the emotional work. Sometimes, especially when I'm angry, I just want to feel good without having to be real or get close. It's strange cause that's really what I want most: proper intimacy. But I kid myself thinking that I just want the orgasm and prefer the cheap version of sex.

It's Only....

...sex!

another revelation (or as the cool kids are sayin' "Epiphany")...

It's only a breast/vagina/rear!

Last night we "did it" and I was still cross. This helps to invalidate the lie that sex makes everything alright. Then today I came home for lunch. I was expecting nothing, but we made up, she came over to me and put her arms around me. Did she sense that I was relaxed and not expecting anything? I don't know but we started kissing and ended in bed upstairs!


This is the lunchtime quickie I've dreamed of!
She came, it was great.

But... It wasn't worth dying for. It didn't cure cancer or end hunger or make all my problems go away.

.. But it was really nice! (^;

Graphic Update

So things continue to get better. I've almost forgotten how many days it's been since we "did it"--which is a milestone in itself. I think it was two nights ago.

It was great how easy I found it suggesting we go to sleep tonight. I was a bit cross this morning, and a little angrier when the phone rang and a friend asked her to have one of their kids. I felt angry and left out, as if everyone elses demands are fine, jealous that I didn't have all her energy to myself.


So the silly graph shows that things are still getting better. It also shows how my perceived acceptance and occurrences of us making love are almost identical.

Porn says you can enjoy 100% desirability and sexual satisfaction, with no effort on your part!
You can get an orgasm with very little work, but it costs money for the porn and you get "infected" with these harmful lies. How I wish I hadn't dug a twenty five year hole that is now so hard to climb out of and not fall back into!

But, it's worth it. I am thankful that I've been somehow given a determination to not give up and not quit--ever... regardless.

Things are really improving. When in a situation that a mere month ago would bring irrational and strong obsessive thoughts, now I have those thoughts, but I can dismiss them easily and I see them as absurd (like everyone else!) finally!

Breakthough!

.. a word spoken so many times in Christian circles, it ecapsulates so much of what we pray and hope and wait for.

Well, praise Him!

Being at the church weekend together may have something to do with it, but

1) I suggested we go to sleep last night (rather than "do it") and I felt "okay" (instead of tortured or angry or dejected).

2) I haven't been angry seeing her naked in the morning, bending over at various times, etc.

3) I've still thought about how I'd like her to blow me; still wanted her rear in the morning, but it's just not been SUCH A BIG DEAL!

So, feelings do change, the battle isn't forever! Keep on keeping on. Keep on persevering through times when it seems like nothing's happening, and eventually it does get easier!

Hurray! (If it goes backwards and gets just as hard again, I hope I'll be able to hold on the memory that it does get easier, gaining confidence and ground from this time enjoying this freedom.

I AIN'T GIVING UP! I'M FREE , & IM GETTIN' FREE!

Sunday, 3:30am

It occurred to me, last night I think, that an orgasm doesn’t really make the pain go away. It fends it off for about a day.

I’ve been forgetting that I don’t need it every day. I used to know that, but I’ve slipped back into being angry, appalled and exasperated—keeping count of the days missed and wanting to cash them in.

I want sex when I want it, full on, an expression of her complete desire for me. On the other hand, I want it detached and physical only. I want the orgasm without any effort or cost to myself. It’s screwy, if she gives me the latter, then I feel cheated and “Ah Ha, she is just going through the motions, I knew she didn’t want me”. So I want it at a purely physical level, but then I don’t as well.

So there’s this lie that I’m not wanted, not loved. When she gives me sex but is obviously not into it, the lie shouts out. The lie used to shout out when she didn’t want sex and wouldn’t get into it. I think that’s improved. I’m still cross the next day, but it’s not so difficult to go to sleep at least.

I feel unloved, alone. I feel God is nowhere and I am without value.
I felt something like this twenty years ago when Mom & Dad divorced and they weren’t around. I used masturbation to numb the pain and give “good” feelings to cover up the bad ones. The flaw is that the stuff about being useless and unloved never went away. All I got is a “bad habit” (or addiction) to go along with it.

So, fighting this stuff, what’s improving? Sleeping is usually better. When I can’t sleep it’s usually not connected to the anger of her not wanting to make love. The moment of rolling over and going to sleep isn’t so bad either. I’m usually not seething with anger any more. The actual idea of not getting it doesn’t solicit this overpowering anger either. Even if we haven’t done it in 24 hours, often I can engage with conversation at mealtime and joke with the kids and stuff.

I was really obsessed with getting an orgasm. In the changing rooms at the swimming pool, in the morning in a few spare minutes… So many inappropriate times and places I would seethe and simmer and boil thinking, “She could give it to me here and now” Then I’d get stuck on the fact that she wouldn’t. I’d with that she would, think about the possibility that she would, fantasize and go ‘round and ‘round about it, getting hotter and angrier and more withdrawn all the time. All that has changed. We went swimming the other day & I thought, “Last few times we were here all I could think about was sex. Now that seems silly”.

Evidently God loves me. My Dad does, as best as he can. I want to see him as just another man, flawed and imperfect, doing his best and sometimes getting it wrong.

Somewhere I must have thought that if I performed better, was “perfect” in some way… I’d be able to impress him and get his approval and love and acceptance and affirmation. This seems kinda “manipulative” in and of itself. Is it? Anyway, of course I was never perfect, but instead in a twisted weird way I have been measuring everyone else against perfection. Expecting it, judging them against it, being disapproving and stuff. Maybe perfectionism is all about control. I don’t know how to have a free and flowing relationship of love and communication between myself and my Dad (or Father God). So I try to make a system, rules, procedures or “steps” instead.

I’m not really so clueless in relating to people. Lucy and I relate pretty well.

So, what’s worth talking over with Lucy? Telling her about these improvements? Telling her it’s okay to roll over and go to sleep (again).

Maybe I need to make a verbal thing, more than just a conscious effort to remind myself that God and I can relate better than me and Dad did/do.

a Little Logic, please

Okay, every time I want it & don't get it, I'm really touchy about her walking around naked, bending over (like when she blow-dries her hair). The rubbish going through my mind is, "How appauling that she's doing this AND it means nothing. How unbelievable that she's NOT meaning, "Come on, I want you". As if it's torture on two counts... 1) she's not interested sexually. 2) she's rubbing my face in the fact that some of my strongest sexual images aren't sexual in real life.

I've conditioned myself to see a "her" bent over and get turned on and cum. I DEEPLY associate the naked female form with sexual arousal. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!

So, when I hear the shower running and think, "She's naked, but not the least be available" I need to think a little logically. When she bends over, but is not thinking of me or sex... I need to think about it sensibly. Every time is not a sexual signal. But, hey.. There are sexual signals. Once or twice a month all the planets line up just right... We're "in sync" and she really does want me. Isn't the real thing better than just an orgasm mechanically following the sight of her rear or nakedness?

So, yeah, it hurts that it's less often that you want. It sucks that these bogus associations exist. Gotta move on though. This crap is destructive & you don't want to loose the very very good stuff that you've got.

What a Difference...

..a day makes.

What a difference an instant makes! I was thinking that she's tired and we've had a good run, I want her to see lovemaking as a pleasure, not a chore, so let's just take that step & say, "Good night". Her body language was tired and not affectionate. But I hesitated, thinking "we won't do it in the morning, she won't do it during the day tomorrow either. She might not do it this time tomorrow either.

So in an instant I went from being cool and on top of everything (sleepy and ready to sleep) to cross and and livid and appauled! I need to get rid of this anger 'cause it's not her I should be angry at.

On one had I don't want the orgasm, if it comes with her being disinterested and detached. Oh, that pisses me off. The lie and fantasy shows excitement, pleasure from giving pleasure. What a slap in the face to take a reallly sexy thing like doggy-style and remove the sexiness from it and add disinterest and detachment to boot! ARGGGGGHHH!

I am amazed at my capacity to want and want and take and take. I enjoy good lovemaking and I'm wanting to nudge her to do it somewhere else. I am blessed that she gives me BJs, and I'm thinking of how I can get her to do me before we get to bed.

Damn, I can't even get these thoughts together.

Update while Up

I think all these postings have been done while frustrated and while my cup felt "empty".

Let's change the pattern.

Last night was great. I could tell the minute we snuggled down in bed that we were on the same sheet (of music). She wanted me and I enjoyed her so much I just didn't want to let it end.

Weird how this morning I was still "aware" of her nakedness while she showered, etc. I'm just insatiable. It wasn't a stressful thing. This lie that I want/need it every day kepts me at bay.

So on Saturday we talked & talked and I let off some steam to do with being angry that we didn't make love Fri night or Sat morning. Seeing her bending over is like a red rag to a bull, saying, simlultaneously, "Aren't you turned on" and "Don't you wish I was doing this as a come-one?" and "This doesn't mean anything sexy anymore"

We talked a lot about "receiving love" or "feeling loved" (through sex and other ways). Telling me she loves me just doesn't do it. Washing my clothes and raising my children just isn't the same as a mind-blowing love-making session! I've had words, "I love you" all my life, but did the actions match the words? I've turned to my actions of choice in absense of the real thing, and now am trying to wean myself off those actions--and embrace the Real Thing. Ironic that now I have the real thing, but am spurning it for my fix--a sad substiture indeed!

Paint Dries, Grass Grows

....and addictions are broken.

That's how slow it seems to be to get to the finish line. Yes, there is continual improvement. But it's a bit like that TV show I saw about how they move a huge building--very very slowly!

I've had a good week or more as far as frequency of sex. BJ's during her period and last night was the first night in many days when we didn't "do it". My orgasm cup is "empty" (it fills up when no orgasm happens) except for last night. My "wanted" cup is no where near showing "low" as the lovemaking was good and she wanted it and wasn't just going through the motions--especially the night before last. So good that with a week to be thankful for, that I didn't wake up really angry this morning due to sleeping poorly and/or not getting it last night. Rolling over without sex is still hard and sleeping itself can be difficult regardless.

So, when will I be able to go for a whole month without any difficulty sleeping for ALL the times we don't make love?!!! That'd be great. See, I'm not wishing for us to always do it, I'm wishing for me to handle it better that we won't. That's improvement. (I still would like her to just spontaneously screw or blow me though)

Gonna take some time off work tomorrow to look for a car together. Bit pissed off that she won't want to "do it" then. No kids, no reason we can't. But she'll have the car hunting agenda on her mind and can't switch to sex.

Shit at work pissing me off. My tech specialty seems to be fading in importance and might not be here in five years' time. I'm angry about this and was kinda comparing that to my parents splitting up. (Me loosing something important and not having any control over it). How do I deal with it? Do I deal with it? Do I bury my head in the sand and turn to something addictive to help me ignore the frustration and loss? It doesn't really work doing that. Just causes more problems. I could go in the toilet right now, get some lotion from the dispenser and close the door in the stall and give myself an O. But I won't feel any better five minutes later, and it'll be hard to resist doing that the next time I'm unhappy.

01:16 Thurs Dec 22 2005

So here I am downstairs again. TV on. Computer connected to the net. (obviously)

Why do I have such a strong association between sex and a system or schedule?

I found it easier to go to sleep last night without sex because I knew we'd done it a number of times in the last week. Still, tonight I was cross. She had last night off, didn't she?!!! Why no again? Plus hearing how much is gonna be packed into Christmas makes me think, "Ah, sex'll get squeezed out then, huh!??!!!". That's not necessarily true, but I'm pissed.

I could M* to some porn right now. It would feed good, but it wouldn't help me get to sleep. It would be enjoyable, but short lived. It would make it harder for me to resist next time (which will probably be very shortly!).

Ahh, fuck it. This just sucks.

Expecting Too Mutch (but not unaware)

So night before last we had some really good lovin'. Normally I'm fightin' falling asleep afterward, but this time I was rarin' to go again, keen for 2nd time 'round. She said, "let's go to sleep & we can always enjoy each other tomorrow night!". Then she had a shitty day & I don't blame her for not wanting to. But it still pissed me off. I slept fine though, which is nice. I'm trying to act like I'm not angry. Tryin' to not be quiet or distant. Wishin' she'd blow me or just screw me, but really knowin' better than to expect or dwell on it.

Trigger: expecting we'll make love, then we don't--really pisses me off & fucks me up.

I'm not in control, I can't predict. I went Christmas shopping and bought some junk-food, but really wished I could buy some satisfaction. Then I'd be in control  I'd be calling the shots.


We had our youngest's Christmas school play this morning. I often struggle with my emotions at those things. Why do I feel blah, down at them? Is it seeing all the mums and dads and the stark reality of how unromantic and unsexy our lives all are? Is it the fact that the whole show is all about the kids and how focused and excited she is while I've taken time off work, and knowing that she won't "do me" before I go back to work--BUT SHE COULD!

I keep remembering how the big "M" doesn't make these feelings any better. It's nice, but it doesn't actually help all this crap at all. Probably makes it harder to resist next time--so it's worse, not better.

Wonder if we'll Do-It tonight. I'm gonna try to hide my pissed-off-ness, but she's had another busy day and will have a busy evening. So.... it could be another "No" on top of last night. Sigh....

Good and Bad

Good:

It's been a long time since I've posted, meaning a long time since I've had a shitty stretch.

I can look at her rear and not get innapropriately turned on "automatically".

I can see that being angry is counterproductive and only makes everything worse.

I don't REALLY expect her to screw me, even after a shitty night's sleep.

I realize that screwing me isn't what it's all about. Feeling accepted & loved is it.

BAD:

I still wish she'd screw me.
I still want to feel accepted & loved--more than I get from normal life.
I still stumble with the big "M" even when so many things are so much better.
I still struggle with us not making love, especially when I expected that we would.
I still want a hug but am still not hugging her.

So tonight I've already committed myself to us not making love because she's going out & will be home late. Problem is she didn't feel like it last night either--which was a tough surprise to take--just tough enough to fuck up me sleeping at all last night. So none last night, none tonight, and I'm very tired on top of those.

Good Memory, Bad Memory

Why do I seem to have a great memory for being "wronged" but a terrible one regarding getting what I want? If we have great sex, even a string of sex including great sex.. I forget it as soon as I have to go a day or two without. I remember back for weeks all the times I've not gotten what I wanted, conveniently skipping over the times when I got exactly what I wanted.

Damn selfishness.

Last night was day two without any lovin' and remembering the every-night sex while visiting her friends farm doesn't make me feel any better. I woke up thinkin' how it sucks that even when we do make love I'm just getting the "dregs" or leftovers at the end of a long day. I'm tired, she's tired. How often will we have a chance to make love during the day or even a little earlier in the evening? Once a year if we plan something? Shit!

Last night she wanted to go to bed early, but it didn't end up happening. Then we talked for quite a while but didn't fuck. Shit!