Thursday, January 01, 2015

New Year Stuff

Prayers:

Please reduce the connection between visual stimulus and sexual expectation.  Please help me bounce eyes from rears in skirts and boobs in blouses, but also I need to be able to have eyes opened walking down the street without the ache and the numb painful hunger to start a ticking timer of expectation and perceived need of relief.

Please break this lie that I need an orgasm.  I reject it and choose to believe that those needs aren't like water or food or shelter.  They're more like affection and encouragement--a higher tier need, not a basic human requirement for life.

Please break the lie that she doesn't want me which arises like a childish sulk.  "If she doesn't want me right now, then that means she really doesn't want me at all.  If I can't have what I want than I don't want anything.  If you don 't do what I want, then I don't like you anymore.  If I can't have control of the toy, then no one can play with it."

Goals:

100 times say to self, "you don't need sex, you can be at peace without an orgasm"

Rooted lie:  You can't live without sex, you can't cope with emotions without the release valve of an orgasm.

50 times say to self, "she does love you, she does want you, regardless of whether she wants sex right now.   Remember the last time she was really turned on--see it positively, not negatively.

Rooted lie:  She doesn't want you now, so she doesn't want you at all.  The porn fantasy is gagging for it 100% of the time and so if she doesn't want it right now then she doesn't desire you at all.


15 times let go of anger when not having sex that I expected at that opportunity.

12 times to say, "let's go to sleep, goodnight" without sex.

10 times to turn over and go to sleep without sex, without going downstairs (for food, sleepless night etc.)

5 times when making love, if orgasm doesn't happen, to let it go.

3 times to have an opportunity for sex with her, but not suggest it.


Your Spouse Should Know

1)  It's not about the frequency of sex.  She asks, "why are you angry/upset that we're not having sex right now, as we've just made love this morning/afternoon/last night, several times this week?

It's nothing to do with how often.  Addiction is a bottomless pit.  It's practically impossible to get "enough", so try to remember it's more about not being in control than the frequency. Not getting sex is painful, but other points of pain also trigger wanting sex.

2) It's not about you--often.  Romance gets left behind by sex.  Sex gets overshadowed by the orgasm.  You're the reason for the romance, and you're there.  But sometimes you get left behind.

3) We might not know why we are feeling these feelings.  We are feeling so many feelings:  anger, shame, frustration, hopelessness, yearning, emptiness... and we're feeling very horny. 

I realize talking through feelings is very helpful.  But it needs to be with the right person. Don't take it personally if a good counselor is needed rather than you for some of this rubbish.  Sometimes you're too close to be the one for the addict to talk out his strongest feelings.  You might not be the best person to objectively hear his pain at not having his pain relieved.  Maybe that's because you're the person who holds the power to give that sexual relief.  But you are so important, he's so fortunate to have you.  You personify real love, faithfulness, perseverance and steadfastness!  You Rock!