Red Lizzard the Parasite

There must be a good analogy of a parasite that attaches itself to someone invisibly.

Then as it grows, the fact that it's stealing your life starts to show.

A really smart parasite will monitor itself and try to stay under the radar.

But when you declare war, when you go under the knife to get this parasite removed....

Then the parasite knows it's war. It pulls out all the stops and does anything and everything it can to get you to leave it alone.

I am not aware of unrealistic expectations toward my wife in our sex life. But now that I've declared war against this parasite, I'm wanting more and more from her. While porn was allowed to live in it's own little box, the lies were nurturing and growing unseen.

I don't believe that I really have screwed up my sexual expectations, but it's like the Japanese knowing they were about to loose the war, so they pulled out all stops and sent out the kamikaze pilots. It's too late for the addiction to try to stay under the radar. The war is now raging. I'm not gonna give up and I'm not gonna accept anything but death of this parasite. Yeah, I stumble and I get tired. I'm gonna give my kids some leadership show them a life of sexual freedom.

Taking a Little Less

Last night was a "No". I was getting frustrated with just going thru the motions and thought it was time for a break. I was laying there thinking, "It sucks that we don't do it in different places, different times, and that she never thinks of dressing for sex".

See I had accepted that it made sense to not make love tonight, but the whiney teenager just found something else to complain about. I was able to see this at the time, which is another vast improvement.

So today I thought, what would be the Biblical reverse attitude here? The attitude boils down to:

• selfish (selfless)
• taking (giving)
• holding on (letting go)
• and wanting control (yielding).

Black Hole

This addiction is really a bottomless pit.

I'm pushing, wanting demanding so much.

When she doesn't want to, when she's not "in that place"


I lower my standards and try for whatever I can get.

At this point, I'm going down the road of selfish and putting sex where it shouldn't be (like a drug).

Because after I've been graciously given an orgasm, I am left feeling guilty (cause I know I shouldn't have "taken" it) and I still feel cross and empty--now the excuse is that she, "Didn't want me".

So, lovemaking is there to make me feel wanted, but when I can't have it properly and I push for "the act" I'm still not feeling "wanted".

This doesn't really make any sense.

Normal/Healthy vs. LongTerm Side-Effects

All the trendy teaching about masturbation echoes how it's harmless, normal.

I remember Dr. Ruth giving a caveat I've heard plenty of times, "as long as masturbation does not effect relationships with people".

Well, it's taken me decades to see that my habitual masturbation does effect my relationship with my wife. These effects never showed until I tried to stop! As long as I had the option of taking matters into my own hands, our sex life and communication was great. But under the surface there was a growing and strengthening thing which burst out of me into our love life, and all aspects of our relationship.

As long as I didn't try to kill it, things were fine and seemed normal. Now that I'm crucifying it, it is lying and screaming and kicking like a spoilt selfish brat: "What about me!" "I want!" "I need!" "Me, Me, Me!".

God is good and things are better than ever. Problem is expecting it to be easier or faster.

GOD!!! Why?!!!

Why does me gaining weight hurt my chances for lovin',
but me eating right and/or losing weight not seem to help?

Why does me being "bound" usually screw up our chances to be close...
but me being "free" not have much affect on our intimacy?

Anything less than perfection knocks down the jenga tower,
but a good move, getting it right, still often results in nothing.

And is this painful place the only place where I can find healing? Is all the rest of my life just treading water?

Porn Exposed

Just listened to the XXXChurch.com podcast where they interviewed Ron Jeremy. Great the way they are friends with this guy. They disagree on many things, but accepting him and listening to him can make more differences (even eternal ones!) than winning any argument ever could do.

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If they interview me for their show, what could I offer to others going through fighting this addiction? What have I learned? Can I bring any insight to anyone? Hmmm.... (stay tuned)

1 John 2:17-19

Spending some time on their site, listening to three different people in the "industry" really is a good way to view the girls as girls (someone's daughter, someone's sister) rather than meat.

It kinda breaks the magic of the fantasy when you think of the girl going home to her crappy apartment and trying to raise her daughter as a single mom, with the pressures of the addictive and exploitive environment. Plus porn has been shifting to more and more shocking and abusive stuff. Not titilating, not even about sex, more about humiliation and misogynism. Helps when wanting to stop needing/liking it and "hate the sin".

unraveling a few more threads...

...of the lie. little by little.. eventually....

Weird how I can want to hold on to my anger more than let go and enjoy real "proper" intimacy. Last night I was still cross about her not wanting to make love (for two nights running!). This was another day, but rather than moving on I felt it necessary to let her know that I'm not quite happy. How childish! I'm not supposed to dictate how she feels and acts towards me. I have no right to manipulate her into behaving the way I wanter her to!

For me, porn has given me an appetite for sexual stuff without the emotional work. Sometimes, especially when I'm angry, I just want to feel good without having to be real or get close. It's strange cause that's really what I want most: proper intimacy. But I kid myself thinking that I just want the orgasm and prefer the cheap version of sex.