I'm tired from not sleeping much in this crazy strong heat. I lie there actively fighting against myself to not touch her. If I do, I'm only thinking of myself. If she says yes (which she probably won't) I'll feel guilty and bad for my selfishness, my failure. Then I'll feel no better and no less in lack the next day. So pursuing disconnected sexual pleasure won't actually make me feel better. The physical pleasure will be outweighed by the guilt and knowledge that I've added one more grain of sand to tilt the scales of our physical relationship toward unhealthiness. I'm aware of my perfectionistic fears, but... still...
I do my meditation, listening to Tara Brach's talk. I experience my pain a bit and think about all this. In the last 24 hours I've definitely been powerless over my obsession and compulsion; yes I'm still a sex addict. But it's good that porn and masturbation hasn't gotten the best of me for almost three years. Still I'm feeling that lack and that overwhelming sadness, so that positive doesn't matter to me now. But I'm not needing to be perfect, connecting is my new goal, and I embrace my shadow self and remind myself every day that perfection isn't the goal at all. I've come to believe that a power greater than myself can relieve me of this suffering. That means I'm not alone, I'm connected. I run through a list of people who I have varying degrees of connection with, but none of them seem significant. Even my ever loving Bridge's love seems insignificant because I'm feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I made a decision to turn over my will and my life to the care of my loving higher power. That means I'm loved, so I reject the lie and feeling that I'm alone, not loved, not good enough.
Later I reread this post and imagine myself being soothed by a loving caring understanding mother. I feel her arms surrounding me and her close breath saying, 'You're going to be alright, I know, darling.' and 'I've got you, honey, it's okay, I'm here.'. I imagine myself feeling soothed and comforted and I imagine feeling better, in hopes that with practice I actually will feel better.
