Seeing through my pain with kindness

It wasn't unusual.  I'd been hoping and expecting intimacy for several days.  I knew the weekend morning was the best opportunity.  Wishing it was spontaneous and unplanned was probably not even in my background thoughts, but it might have been there somewhere.  The morning arrived and it didn't happen.  I was appalled and angry and found myself resentful for the rest of the day.  My urge to be in another room from her was powerful.  My desire to punish her for giving me this pain was palpable.  But it wasn't as strong as it had been the previous time.  I remember filling up the watering can in the back garden and that's when it changed.  I had been reading and thinking about trauma and neglect so I imagined that as a child I had rightly learned that my emotional and attachment needs were not going to be met.  I had found my addiction as a way to try to cope with that problem.  Now, as she hadn't given me what I thought I needed, my body (trauma lives in the body, not in the mind) had reacted just like I would as a kid when I didn't get what I needed.  When I had porn I was in control and I could take action to soothe myself anytime I needed to.  Now that I'm not using porn, I can see my reaction from a perspective of kindness toward that hurting and lonely child who had no language or nurturing about what to do.  

I saw my childish and selfish behaviour from the perspective of kindness and understanding that needs are okay, understandable and valid.  I was reacting today out of my unresolved trauma from childhood.  Manipulation isn't good.  But the best way to eradicate it is to see it like everything else from a position of kindness.  I learned to manipulate to get what I needed when had no better choice. Now I do have choices so I am working to learn and practice and rewire my brain and habits differently.  It's important to accept that I have needs, that my feelings are valid (even if not helpful, logical, rational or loving).  

While filling up the watering can I imagined myself as a lonely confused and hurting child that felt all these things with no comfort or comfort to handle them.  Hence where my addiction emerged to try to help.  And as soon as I saw the feelings that spawned actions that I am ashamed of, I saw those feelings from the perspective of kindness, something eased.  I was able to immediately approach her normally, without the resentment or agitation.  Being kind to myself lifted the atmosphere in me and allowed me to be the kind and normal partner I want to be toward her.

Accepting, Letting Go, Connecting

 She really enjoys days when she doesn't need to rush.  I find it frustrating.  But can I love her in this slowness (her responses to my questions are even slow) while being honest and accepting my frustration?

Can her slowness be something I can practice accepting, seeing as a gift, smiling about and noticing my anger?

I've been angry or annoyed or frustrated with her for a while now. Yesterday we had the day to ourself as our son was visiting his girlfriend.  We agreed to go to bed but I was carrying plenty of resentment.  We tried to be intimate but gave up and talked for a while. She found it difficult that we were talking as she thought she knew what to expect (she doesn't like change or surprises).  I reminded her that talking and connecting is what we both hold in high regard and see as very important.  She wondered if me not 'performing' was in some strange way me 'punishing' her for not giving me sex for several days.  She said it like she wasn't serious, just a passing thought.  Though I didn't admit it, there was some truth in that.  So it felt like a new realisation that we stumbled onto the idea of her feeling responsible for my sexual gratification.  She immediately remembered how her Mum was 'high maintenance' and that she never wanted to be that way.  Yet it seems she swung too far trying to avoid being high maintenance instead toward being responsible for things that she shouldn't--which in short involves 'enabling' my addiction.

Intrusive Thoughts

Hearing Voices sounds like something really 'crazy' something schizophrenic and amongst the most worrying of the worrying.  And it can be.  But it can be 'just' that self talk that is unhelpful.  Mine is based on the lies that, 1) I'm not good enough, 2) I'm alone and 3) I'm not loved.  

Another well known idea is 'Intrusive Thoughts'.  

It's new years' eve.  We are sitting outside staring at the embers glow and watching the orange waves of heat pulsate behind the flames as the fire burns itself out.  I'm thinking, I want to kiss her.  (But then I'll want to do more).  But the problem is unusual because she's not over Omicron strain of the Covid virus.  She got it on Monday and it's only Friday.  So all logic and sense says I'm lucky to be sitting with her outside.  Yes, I'm glad we found a way to be in each others' company.  So much better than using a video call from upstairs in her sickroom/prison downstairs to me on the sofa by myself, with that annoying delay and distracting thing where we interrupt and talk over each other.  So much better than me sitting on the other side of the door trying to hear her and not being able to see her at all.  But  I keep imagining, picturing, playing the scenario in my head.  Me approaching her and looking into her eyes and kissing her.  Me saying something romantic and passionate (fantasy).  But she'd just say, "I know you want to, but it's only (ONLY!) a few more days (reality).  She'd say something sensible and correct about how it's not worth anyone else getting sick (real or pessimistic?).  Dammit!  I am doing her thinking for her (projecting). But I keep playing the scenario again, trying different phrases.  She puts her mask on and comes inside, instead of going straight upstairs she takes some time to clean for the first time since her lockdown. So my brain creates another angle, "You are breaking the rules, I have an idea of another way to break the rules, that's more fun than cleaning!"  No quite right.  I think of other wordings, other ways to say being naughty is fun, exciting.  But I can't get away from the sensible objections.  The pull is like a tractor beam in the Star Wars Death Star--impossible to fight.  But my knowledge of the facts and guess of her sensible immunity to the magnetic pull that I'm feeling is equally irrefutable.  Damnit! 

So she says good night, a little awkward, but in no way giving any signals that line up with my fantasy.  I take her hand and she seems confused.  She didn't mind being that close to hand me a mug that needed putting away but it's never occurred to her to hold my hand (she's just sensible but it triggers my lie that I'm not wanted).  I pull her to me and give her a hug and I know nothing's gonna happen. DAMNIT! She walks a few steps away and I can't bring myself to look at her when she says and awkward good night.  FUCK!!!  I'm angry that no matter how much I ache, nothing changes.  I'm pissed off that the facts are the facts.  I am going to be on my own and I hate that.  I want her but not enough to ignore that she doesn't want it with me.  I think the harder it is for me the more I deserve a reprieve, a break, a reward.  FUCK! That's not how it works either!

I'm counting how long it's been since we hugged, since she touched me in any way at all.  How long since we kissed (and more).  It's not really been that long--I keep telling myself.  But it feels like forever and we're not halfway there yet.  I can't face the possibility that she might need longer to heal before she's testing negative and ready for normal life.   And I don't like thinking our reunion might just be 'meh'.  I can't count on an intensity to make up for me being 'robbed' like this.  acceptance, acceptance, acceptance.

I've felt annoyed at her for doing this to me.  I've felt like pouting, like withdrawing from her in our stilted conversations in a childish protest.  Ha, she's the one who's sick, she's the one who is isolated in a room and unable to leave the house, not me.  But it feels like my sex addiction must be worse for me than anything else is for anyone else--right?

What am I grateful for?  I'm  glad that I have a partner. I'm glad I have her--most weeks. I'm glad she's not really sick with covid, that she's not gone into hospital, not been on a ventilator or intensive care.  I'm glad we will be intimate again.  I'm glad my sons are well and visited this Christmas and New Year.  I'm glad I am part of a recovery community-- a family where we can be as honest as we can bear.  I community where I can be accepted no matter what and I can practice sharing my feelings and listening and supporting others doing the same.   I'm proud of myself for not going any deeper into sadness about my feeling of loneliness and sexual frustration.  I didn't do anything I'd be ashamed to admit in my 12-step meeting or to my sponsor or a fellow on a call.  I'm chuffed that I've been working so hard taking care of her.  I forgive myself for getting angry with her, snapping at her and resenting her being sick.