I am used to being in control of my orgasms, and I bought the lie from porn that I can be in control while she still "wants" it. So I'm angry that I can't be in control of my orgasms and that she won't want to do it if I'm not letting go of control.
Maybe it's like us choosing to love God. If He was in control and made us love/obey Him, it wouldn't mean anything, we'd be like robots. So it'd be pointless love/obedience/relationship. But for it to mean something, He chose to let us choose. The good news is that when we choose right, choose Him, it's sweet and meaningful. The flipside is that sometimes we take advantage of that free will and don't choose Him. That makes the good meaningful, but it brings bad into the whole scenario.
The only way I can enjoy her really wanting to make love is by letting go and giving her the freedom to say no to sex. Letting her off the hook of anger and disapproval for when she doesn't want it will actually ultimately bring me what I really do want--which is her really wanting to make love to me. Of course it's not like in porn. I'm not in control of when. It's not all the time. It's not always great. But it's real and it's the way it's really supposed to be.
