Thursday, December 27, 2007

1 week down, 1 to go

Been off work a week for the Holidays. I've been pissed off as she's been coughing and cold-filled. I've not been particularly empathetic towards her. But everytime I hear her sniff or snort or hack, I'm reminded how she's not gonna want to be affectionate. We've gone though the motions most every night. But because it's an emptiness in me that's the real problem, of course I've still not been happy.

So, all I've wanted for Christmas is to go to bed in the middle of the day with her once or twice. If things keep going like this, it ain't gonna happen. I'm so damned picky, when I think of something that I want, I want it--and exactly! It doesn't make any sense to be angry at her--she doesn't want to be sick either. She probably thinks it's more unconfortable for her since she's the one with the cold. But I am pissed off, and I am credulous that she's not seemed to want to come near me for this entire week. It makes me pretty damned annoyed to think of her like this for another week. Damned. I have thought about being thankful for what I have. But failing writing these illogical thoughts and feelings down here, I don't know what to do about it.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Anniversary

I built up very high expectation for a day together. I woke up cross because I could see already that she wasn't shutting out the world. No escape for me that day. We did enjoy some time together, but it seemed far too little.
Merry Christmas and may you Enjoy reality and freedom and wholeness in 2008!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Honesty as a Policy

Honest AbeThe other night I was cross and resenting her for not "doing it". Nothing new here, but what was notable is that I was brave and took a chance by being more honest with how I was feeling. I am usually afraid of saying the wrong thing and missing a chance to get what I'm desperate for (sex). This time I went ahead and said what I was thinking. The manipulative thoughts in my head were saying I'd miss out, but I did it anyway.

She was very glad for me to be honest. We managed to reconnect (and there was even sex too). That's what I struggle with, the want for sex and the want to do what's right (and avoid the guilt of being selfish).

If you're struggling, please take some comfort and strength from my experience that it does get easier. It really really does!

Persevere!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Growl!!!Feeling pretty bad right now, a bit low, a bit angry (but in my right head, mostly).

It's the fact that she & I had some time together alone, and I couldn't get it out of my head.. the thought of a quickie. A still small voice said something to me about "Can you work out a scenario that will be honouring to her?" And I can't. A quickie in the car, somewhere where we might be found out, it just doesn't right when looked at that way.

It's just that I can't have orgasms during the day very often. When there's a chance for us to be alone I find it hard to let go of the idea. Half (at least not all) of my thoughts during our nice lunch together was where could we go to screw (home wasn't any good as the builder was there all day).
Now she's hinted that there's be a chance at some point, but I know it'll either be completely disconnected and I'll feel very guilty, or she means around midnight when she gets home after a very long day. I want a chance to do it outside the usual time, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Happy Anniversary!


...to me. Today I've matched my record for the most days clean (recorded anyway). Last time it was @ Christmas holidays @ my parents' place (where they had cable TV) and one night I woke up and watched some soft porn and M'ed.


Anyway, today I'm aware that my hopes for my next day-off is dashed as she's got a sore throat. Didn't hurt really. Not ideal, not what I was planning, but it seems okay. Things are always getting better.. Still....


If you persevere and don't give up (even if you stumble, keep on keeping on) it will improve and you will find it easier and you will WIN!