Cycling to work this morning, I am glad my podcast finished and I didn't bother finding something else to pipe into my earholes.
Because I had a little conversation with myself. It's not my crazy, really.
MyQuestion: So what are you angry about?
Me: something about how I want sex every night, and I'm angry as I am expecting tonight to be the second night in a row with her either not willing to give sex, or at least not wanting to.
I went ahead and let some of my anger out, though I had to "give myself permission" because my first thought was that my feelings were "wrong" (no emotions are really wrong). My expectations are based on my bogus habits and unrealistic expectations from fantasies coming to the forefront of my world. There's no point blaming myself, or anyone else. It just is what it is. It's not easy or fun to change these things. They are changed slowly and with difficulty. How, exactly? Escaping from facing pain is how this all started, so it's gonna be painful seeing change & healing. How does it look, one way is through these "conversations" and these new experiences and perspectives on the old emotions.
MyQuestion: So, you say it's not fair. Fine. That's cool. I hear you. Another question: Is it fair for her to have a life, to use her energy on things other than making love to you? Is it fair for her to not to expect to do it, to even want to do it--every night?
Me: Hmmm. Of course, putting myself in her place is very helpful. Sometimes healing comes to the spaces between the anger and the pain. It's a delayed reaction that you only notice when looking back over time. Not the epiphany or eureka moment or rocket launch, or explosion. More a slow burn, more paint drying, the tide going out, or a scab healing.
It is worth listening to the conversation and asking, "Is this a voice like Fathers' or a trusted wise caring counselor who loves me and believes in me? Is this that voice of judgement, blame and accusation expecting perfection? Embrace His voice and tell the other one where to go.
