We're pulling back the layers and being really honest. This morning she didn't feel very well and I was very horney. If I was perfect I'd say, "oh, poor you. Nevermind about my desires." But I was worried about how could I tell her that I'm horney without being pushy about it. I just told her that pretty much straight. She said she didn't feel like it but maybe tomorrow. Then we sat on the bed talking for ages and every time she touched me I was hoping she'd changed her mind. Lacy knickers were on the floor right in front of my line of sight and I couldn't keep my eyes off them.
I've been wondering if she really meant no and hoping she'd "throw me a bone" the whole morning. I imagined how asking her would not be thoughtful and how I might even find it a disappointment from the emotional pesrpective (but not physically!) When she got close to me and thanked me for being understanding, I finally knew no was no.
Now I'm feeling angry and grumbling "F*CK!, F*CK!, F*CK! under my breath. I change it to "DIE!, DIE! DIE! willing and praying for my flesh to be crucified in this pain. Tonight/tomorrow isn't forever.
I'm glad I'm able to not withdraw from her and I'm glad I'm not heavy or pouting or "beside myself". I do want to stay away from our bedroom and bathroom while she gets dressed and ready. I really am drawn to try to change her mind in that opportunity. I do want to eat or sleep or find something to get away. I want to masturbate too, sorta. Sexy comedy videos aren't helpful but they have a strong attraction too. Grrrrr! She doesn't know how hard this is, but it doesn't matter to what's right.
