I'm enjoying being more open with God, more honest than ever before. I live so much of my life as if He wasn't there, but I'm letting Him in more and more. And it's a glimpse of the life I've always wanted, and makes me hungry for more!
Today I saw a young woman with long hair and a nice figure and said in a prayer in my head,
"God! It's not fair! It's not fair that I can't have her! It's not fair that I feel so turned-on so easily! "
I know how ridiculous this is, it's like a very young child having a tantrum. But better to be honest and get these feelings out rather than keep them bouncing around inside--causing damage all along the way.
Who can you trust with such vulnerability? Who can be trusted with your heart laid out bare? The One who really is so good and really does care about you and who really can "operate" on your heart expertly!
So I was thankful to not imagine God rebuking me for being so selfish and so wrong in my feelings. I stuck with it and imagined how Jesus would respond. Instead of reminding me of my sin and how my selfishness caused Him more pain and suffering on the cross, I was reminded how Jesus experienced every temptation--yet did not sin. Then---wham! I sensed Jesus alongside me saying He knows how I feel and He understands. He knows unfair. He has the Father's love to me, a Prodigal. He was caring and giving and loving! Wow!
I think this is a healthy pattern for processing emotions. Selfish thoughts needn't be condemning. Sinful desires aren't wrong on their own. Ironically, it's the shame and self loathing that goes with reacting wrongly to our bad thoughts and feelings that actually magnify shame and spiral us away from knowledge of God's grace and forgiveness. I didn't have to immediately be heavy and sorrowful. I could take my feelings to Jesus--casting even these cares on Him.
