Saturday, December 14, 2013

Letting Him In

I'm enjoying being more open with God, more honest than ever before.  I live so much of my life as if He wasn't there, but I'm letting Him in more and more.  And it's a glimpse of the life I've always wanted, and makes me hungry for more!

Today I saw a young woman with long hair and a nice figure and said in a prayer in my head,

"God!  It's not fair!  It's not fair that I can't have her!  It's not fair that I feel so turned-on so easily! "

I know how ridiculous this is, it's like a very young child having a tantrum.  But better to be honest and get these feelings out rather than keep them bouncing around inside--causing damage all along the way. 

Who can you trust with such vulnerability?  Who can be trusted with your heart laid out bare?  The One who really is so good and really does care about you and who really can "operate" on your heart expertly!

So I was thankful to not imagine God rebuking me for being so selfish and so wrong in my feelings.  I stuck with it and imagined how Jesus would respond.  Instead of reminding me of my sin and how my selfishness caused Him more pain and suffering on the cross, I was reminded how Jesus experienced every temptation--yet did not sin.  Then---wham!  I sensed Jesus alongside me saying He knows how I feel and He understands.  He knows unfair.  He has the Father's love to me, a Prodigal.  He was caring and giving and loving!  Wow! 

I think this is a healthy pattern for processing emotions.  Selfish thoughts needn't be condemning.  Sinful desires aren't wrong on their own.  Ironically, it's the shame and self loathing that goes with reacting wrongly to our bad thoughts and feelings that actually magnify shame and spiral us away from knowledge of God's grace and forgiveness.  I didn't have to immediately be heavy and sorrowful.  I could take my feelings to Jesus--casting even these cares on Him. 

Thursday, June 27, 2013

This instead of that



Fill yourself with the right things, rather than just trying to avoid the bad.

Rather than focusing on your sins or flaws or weaknesses, spend more time worshiping Him and and considering His perfection and strength and grace and love and affirmation! 

Less, Less, Less

I am praying He will turn down my dial of expectations.  I want to not expect it so often, not care so much whether we do it, not get bent out of shape if it isn't great.

This will probably come from time and perseverance.  But that I'm asking Him for it is a good sign.   Talking to Him as much as I can remember to is good too. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Delicate balance of contentment

I expect so much. I want us to make love, I want her to enjoy it, to be fulfilled and satisfied. Otherwise i feel something is missing. What if I'd feel that way anyway? What if my discontent is something else completely--as if its not all about sex.

I've established that the dull ache in my loins is not a physical symptom of Neding an orgasm. I will not die. The pain is not about my private parts. It's not all about sex after all. In the same way having fantastic sex doesn't solve everything g & missing perfection doesn't contribute or miss out on things being right in the world.

Monday, May 06, 2013

Fill er up



I'm feeling like my meter is showing red. It's been a long time (few weeks?) since we've really connected in mutually fulfilling lovemaking-/and the spiritual connection that brings that intimacy.

I am all too aware of a lot of times when she's not wanted to make love recently. I feel cheated. I feel appalled and like confronting her as if not wanting it is some sin or crime.

I can think about it and see that its heavy & not endearing for me to be demanding.

I'd like to be able to let go of my demanding neediness, my attitude of appalled entitlement--which must just make her feel used and taken for granted.

But every time I am in a room with her I just feel angry and I seem myself pulling away.  I want to let her know I'm not happy--as if I can manipulate her to being loving by me being unloving.

The usual question is, how to clear the air?  Do I let out the rubbish that's in me, which might be unfair and off-putting for her to hear?  In my head I know I can "cast my cares on Him, 'cause He cares for me" but being honest, I just can't manage that.  I talk to Him, I pray, I cry, I scream, I sing.  But when I'm back in the room with her it's all still there.

The usual pattern is that I carry around an atmosphere and a divide between us gets bigger.  Then we talk and I say, in one form or another, that I'm missing being close to her (and struggling from the times we didn't have sex recently).  She will get annoyed or cross that I'm being demanding and that enough is never enough.  She might instead just be understanding and giving.  Either way we--at least--have sex--and the tension is eased.  Or we might talk and reconnect properly, let things go, appreciate each other, and make love--which also resets the counter and puts my meter back in the green.  Until next time.

God, help me get rid of this lie that I need sex, that it's my right, that I can't be OK without it.  I want to show up free and not demanding. I want to be thoughtful of her not self-absorbed.  It's true that I will not die without an orgasm. It's true that the problem is not in my penis.  Nothing magical happens when I am stimulated (even if endorphins are pulsing through my brain which make it seem like everything is good in the universe).  It might reset a counter, but that's not the healthy rhythm I'm looking for as my final goal.  There's nothing physically necessary about expunging the ejaculate from my scrotum (even if it makes me feel so relaxed and even loved and accepted).  Besides, sometimes I have an orgasm and don't have those heavenly experiences.  Sex isn't synonymous with nirvana or whole completeness.

There are other ways to fill my tank.  They don't give as quick or visceral a reaction, but if I do something creative it will keep my tank from getting to low.  As does giving, helping,  making something with my hands (sawing, nailing, drawing, getting my ideas out in the world, sharing insights, encouraging breakthrough, etc.).

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Galatians 6:8

He who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 

 Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

 If you live to satisfy your sinful self, the harvest you will get from that will be eternal death. But if you live to please the Spirit, your harvest from the Spirit will be eternal life.

If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction, but if you follow the Spirit, you will harvest eternal life

If they plant ·to satisfy [or in the field of; L into; to] their ·sinful selves [sinful nature; flesh], ·their sinful selves will bring them ruin [L they will reap destruction from the flesh]. But if they plant ·to please [or in the field of; L into; to] the Spirit, they will ·receive [reap; harvest] eternal life from the Spirit.

 فَالَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِرَغَباتِهِ الأنانِيَّةِ، سَيَحصُدُ فَساداً. أمّا الَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِلرُّوحِ، فَسَيَحصُدُ حَياةً أبَدِيَّةً مِنَ الرُّوحِ.

 

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Effect of an Orgasm

I think I know some core and fundamental things that I get from orgasm.

If it's hers, I know power and potency. 

Yes, I feel Powerful.  It's a great thrill, a fantastic buzz.  It's a manly heady thing which I really enjoy.

Potent too.  I feel like I've made an impact, made a difference, blazed a trail and made my mark. 

If it's mine, I feel accepted and loved.  Plain and simple.  Undeniable experiences of satisfaction and impartation. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Bit By Bit instead of Big Bang



I usually notice wrong thinking, bad decision, harmful habits and try to see the big picture they fit into. When I notice I'm in the habit of automatically locking my eyes on part of a an attractive woman's body--from a distance, I think...

"What's this all about? Why, where does this come from?" I see it as huge. I.e. I supposed decades of porn and ogling & lust has made this so hard.

But the Soul Revolution experiment is helping me to think in the now and pray and involve God in a way that isn't so overwhelming.

The best way to eat an elephant, so the saying goes, is one bite at a time. So let's try that for changing and being changed by Him too! An encouraging approach that feels like a gracious breath of fresh air of grace and love!

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Aggressive, Passively

Noticed part of how I am learning to process anger is to not 'act out' by being passive aggressive.

Didn't know I do this, but i think I do. Don't bottle it up, don't seek other gratification (sex, food) when angry. And don't let it leak out subtly either.

Hmmm.