Thursday, December 20, 2018

Daily Inventory from a new perspective

Step 10: Continue to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
It occurred to me, out of the blue, that my selfishness may run through all of my sexual relationship with my ever-loving wife.  How bad is it?  Do all of my thoughts regarding sex amount to obsession?  Do all of my desires live totally on the side of selfishness?  Do  I really think of our love-live outside of what I get from it?  
It's hard to know.  Some think there is no such thing as altruism.  Anytime we do something that seems to be for another, we can't escape from the fact that we are getting something out of the interaction--and thus our own benefit is always there.
What does sex look like that's giving as well as enjoying getting?  I can imagine being giving by NOT initiating sex, by NOT expecting it.  But how do I engage and enjoy our love-life in a less selfish way?  I guess being easy-going about whether it happens or not is one thing.  I guess when we're into it, if I'm focused on her and her pleasure and desires and preferences.  I do that, so maybe I'm not completely as bad as I feared.
But it's an important question I want to ask myself regularly:  'Was I selfish in my love life and attitude toward my love-life with my Bride?  How can I exercise the opposite of my character defect (selfishness) in this context today or tomorrow?  I guess I can ask my Higher Power to help me to not expect sex, take it or leave it, and be 'easy' about whether it happens or not.

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Here and Now

Learning about Smart Recovery, I'm liking some of the tools and having a love hate relationship with the psychology.  I am drawn to understanding how we work and very much want to take this knowledge to help others and myself.  But I see the humanistic philosophy that we can be understood with the assurance and completeness of science as childish and naive.  I am embracing mystery and I sense we experience a lot of life and truth through art.  It's so much more than just ideas and facts.  There needs to be a lot of space for nuance.

Anyway, last night was a very tough time again.  I didn't want to 'act out'.  But I was gutted and angry because I'd slept badly the night before and got another no that was very disappointed about.  The SMART stuff says it's not the action that upset me, it's my belief behind it.  So, my tiredness warped my perception causing me to have less long term perspective thus I obsessed about the short term.  I was aghast that I couldn't have sex (again!).  I was unable to see that I'd get sex in a few days.  There was even a hint that in about three days we'd have some time.  But I only saw that as a slap in the face.  It seemed a world away, a lifetime away.  It seemed it might as well have been never.  So I got out of bed and eventually was hungry enough to eat (although I didn't want to give-in to that urge).  I ate more than I wanted.  I felt a compulsion to fill my stomach, hoping it'd make me feel better, maybe help me sleep -- although it never does.  And I guess I got some pleasure from the taste (very short term).  Doing the Cost Benefit Analysis, it's sobering to see how the benefits of acting out (I'm using eating sugar, especially in secret) is all short term and the costs are all long term. 

Monday, December 03, 2018

Control & Saying No



I love the feeling of power and control when she's really turned on and really wants me.  I know I'm going to climax, but what's thrilling is feeling like I am in a position to give her what she wants, which is what I want (orgasm).  Guilt free sex is when she (seemingly) enjoys it just like me.  I want the moment of her desiring me to last. I want the moment of me having this power continue.  It's the fantasy of being desperately desired.  I wish I could experience that every time I'm sad or anxious or bored, but instead it's a small gift that comes unexpectedly--occasionally.

As the months since I've looked at porn or masturbated approach one year, my unreasonable expectations are fading.  My obsession is still waiting to surface, but it's not as strong either.

I can sleep now most nights, and if I don't, it's never due to not getting sex.  I can contemplate not getting sex tonight, and grapple with getting it tomorrow or soon--without too much distress.  I can wake up after not getting sex and not be angry or resentful.  I can interact with her throughout the day without being driven to withdraw in anger or resentment.

Making SAA phone-calls still helps me hugely to see the improvement and my good actions.  I still gloss over my progress and focus on my weaknesses and selfishness if left to my own perception.  I need someone else to remind me I'm doing well.  Plus helping them helps me immensely.

Two nights ago I said, 'let's go to sleep, it's late and we're tired'.  Which is unusual enough, but it was after she'd touched me intimately.  That's not happened for over fifteen years of our marriage, probably more.  The lie that I 'NEED' sex permeates to thinking that if I'm touched there, turned on, then I MUST find completion and resolution and satisfaction.  But that's not true.  She was flabbergasted and amazed that I said that and that I followed through by not being upset or unable to live with my decision.   One thing that made it easier is that I had decided I'd do that hours beforehand.  My motives weren't great.  Silly of me to imagine I'd be punishing her by saying no to sex with her, just because I'd hate that.  She doesn't mind.  But as we touched and hugged my anger eased and I did think of going with the flow, reversing my plans and enjoying the sex that was available.  But I managed to stick with it, stubborn if not angry anymore.  It was so much easier to be the one in control and with the power.  Still not fun to turn down sex and an orgasm.  But I think it showed her I'm not quite the slave to it that I was, even though I haven't yet told her of my silly childish motives that I started with.


Connecting the dots

My friend is amazing.  She is an author and a public speaker.  She gets paid to teach therapists.  But more amazing is that she was severely traumatised as a very young child--yet she helps therapists to help people who's story is like hers.  She was abused.  She was raped.  She was even used in the production of pornography when she was very young.  Horrible, but she is a real inspiration now.

Learning a bit about her story has made me think differently about my own porn addiction.  She has made real the victims and survivors and abused who are the fodder of porn.  I can say I've never had anything to do with porn involving children.  I'm not attracted to violent porn either.  As a matter of fact, before I gave it up for good, I was finding more and more of what's out there follows a theme that disturbs me:  aggressive, demeaning, suggesting violence.  What is this shit about choking?  Who gets turned on by that?  And girls gagging is supposed to be a hot?  Anyway, today I made the connection between the 'innocent' porn that I spent years using and the children who are abused--like my friend was.  And she was three years old!  It's the same industry.  It's all the same world.  The free porn on those websites "everyone" uses is getting more and more horrible.  Plenty of people use that then find they need more aggression, more violence.  They get turned on by 18-year olds in cheerleading outfits, but then some must move on from women to high school girls.  By participating in the "legal" and "bonafide" porn industry, I was still contributing to the bigger world of pornography--the one that abused my very good friend when she was only a three year old!

I'm so sorry, I don't know how I avoided seeing this before. I knew intellectually that stripping and prostitution and porn are all linked. But I guess I felt better justifying myself saying that looking at mainstream porn had no connection to illegal porn.