Landscape Gardening My Brain

I've had it explained to me that when certain stimulation is followed by certain actions, time and time again.. you get a biological explanation for a habit (or addiction). The brain impulses associated with strong feelings can be compared to a rain-shower. The decisions you make regarding these feelings can be mapped out on the landscape of your brain impulses. Imagine a hillside with rain falling on it.

It's gonna flow one way or another. At first it is anyone's guess which path it will take. But the result causes erosion, which means the next time it rains there's a greater chance the water will flow down the same path, making the path deeper, and reinforcing the "habit" even more.

The first time one masturbates--it feels good and sexual tension is released, at least. You might find deciding whether to masturbate an easy decision. The more you do it, the more erosion you get down this particular decision path, making it the favored path "of least resistance". Maybe the "Will" or "logic" or "reason" is loosing ground as the habit is strenthened. I'd like an explanation for why puttin a photo of my beloved family in front of my computer screen hasn't been enough to stop me from surfing to porn, which ultimately leads to the big M.

Maybe the storm is 'feeling depressed' or even a bigger worry about the future. I can imagine a lonely teenager feels trapped about these things. He needs an escape from the pain, wanting to replace the bad feeling with a good feeling.

But after hundreds of cycles of storm and rain, a trench has been dug down the side of the hill. Most of the rain is gonna flow down this path. Whereas once it was a random chance, now it's a sure-thing. The strong association between the feelings (rainstorm) and the path leading down the hill (masturbation) are cemented.

Reading about addiction and synapses here I'm encouraged by the fact although I have a very strong habit or psychological addiction, at least it isn't nearly as tough to conquer as a chemical addiction. I'm not a biologist, and don't understand this very well. But it sounds like the way drugs alter the landscape of synapse & neurotransmisions in the brain is a bit like the hill being somehow transformed so the water doesn't run as fast, and also causing more or faster rain to try to compensate! It's a terrible cycle that leads to the hill being damaged and ultimately distroyed.

So each time I feel down or horney, my body wants to jump the gun to immediately get that welcomed and familiar feeling associated with sexual stimulation and orgasm. Maybe my Will and resolve are like wind, blowing the water accross the hill to another path, a side of the hill which hasn't carried water much since I was a teenager. I'm gonna pray that God gives me strong lungs, and I think his Grace will eventually even "fill in" those 20 year old gulleys and ruts.

Is it Asking So Much?!!

I'm getting to grips with a big loss. They say grieving is:

letting go...
coming to terms with the loss of...
renogiating life without...

someone or something important to you.

So it could be a job, dear loved-one, or even a "habbit" or lie which gives some kind of comfort.

Whether it's boredom, an emotional dip, or just the desire to feel good, I can't have it anymore. The ability to get great feelings are now out of my control. They've been taken out of the category of entertainment like TV or a magazine or a treat (like a pizza). It was very solitary & simple. A decision that only involved me. Now these feelings are steeped under the banner of the myserious psyche of Woman, and part of that fuzzy, complicated and unpredictable thing called "relationship".

I heard myself say time and time again, "Is it so much to ask?!!!" (sounding like a 9 year-old kid, "It's not fair!!"). Is it so much to ask to want a BJ in the morning? Is it so much to ask to fancy a quickie? Am I really asking too much to want sex only once a day?

Well, one of those times I slipped (I had a whole evening to myself and just said, "what the heck") I downloaded some dodgy movie clips and eventually my Big-M counter was reset to "zero days". I must have thought, "I've blown it, so I may as well enjoy the digression" because I ended up M'ing three times that night.

Weird thing was, when she got home, I was just as screwed up and intensely obsessed with sex. The enemy went too far that time and gave away a part of his strategy, which made me realize something.

Enough is never enough.

If I got the answer, "Okay, once a day isn't too much", the empty needy hunger in me would soon say, "okay, now I want twice a day" and so on.

So, it is killing me to admit and accept it (good, DIE you bastard, DIE!!!) but yes, it is asking too much.

Lies & Damned Lies

I feel silly admitting to some of the lies that crept into my consciousness. But here goes.

Porn lies saying that it's okay for you to feel good anytime. It's all in your hands.
Porn lies saying you can control everything about sex (what, when, where, how).
Porn lies that it's okay to keep looking for something a bit sexier.
(instead of finding satisfaction, you learn to never be satisfied & just keep looking)

Porn programmed me to equate that a woman wearing sexy clothes is communicating that she is ready for sex. It's so stupid, so silly. Maybe that's not right. Maybe the dying selfishness cried out in attempt #631 saying, "Look, she's wearing a skirt, if she doesn't want you then you have plenty to be angry about".

Porn programs you to expect more, look for perfect physical beauty (look around the real world and consider things like aging and you'll see just another recipe for disaster).

Interesting how I desperately wanted attention/affirmation and to feel special at about the same time I was going through puberty and the masturbation stage. The typical porn scene has a beautiful woman desperate for sex, desperate for you. You imagine yourself with her and you have someone who really "wants" you. Physically it feels good, but deeper needs are being poisoned rather than actually addressed. Of course it's fake and empty and just leaves you wanting more.

When I see a pretty girl now, I often find myself saying to myself, "yeah, but she's pretty but she's just an ordinary girl, she's not a sex-kitten, not a nympho and not ready for rumpy-pumpy at the drop of a hat!" Sometimes I say this with anger like I've been duped into buying something and only after handing over my cash do I find out. Other times I say it in a reinforcing way, like someone chanting the 12 steps of AA or something.

Anger

I think this is one of the layers or keys (or something) behind the addiction.

Two years ago I talked and talked and obsessed about sex.

As time went by a subtle shift took place. I still obsessed about sexual gratification and fantasies, but the part of me fighting and trying to understand and conquer this thing, I thought more about my father and my childhood.

As the Porn and Masturbation drugs were used less and less, I realized that buried deeply beneath these coping mechanisms was anger that I was afraid to acknowledge even existed.

I'm in the process of realizing that I can't go on with these childish angry feelings. As I am now a father, I can't pretend that being perfect is an option for myself or my own father. I must "grow up" and forgive him. Again, it's not easy to put into words. It's not really that simple. If it was, I wouldn't take over two years to get there. It's a decision, but the decision is part of a process that just takes time.

Help, Advice

I'd love to help. It would make my day to find out that someone can learn from one of my mistakes. Wouldn't it be great to find out that I'm actually wise and uniquely talented and that I can make a difference to people?

But this is an odd fight. My demons don't disguise and expose themselves the way yours do. I'm only human, and this little blog is full of my failures and weaknesses.

Maybe knowing you've been "heard" or that I've offered up a prayer for you will help.
I'm on healed.addict at Gmail d0t com if you want to get in touch.

What advice would I give?

1. Find out who you can count on (wife, girlfriend, really good friend, parent, God). I think you'll need them. Let them know what's going on and find out how much help they can give. This stuff is so selfish, it can suck the life out of people and destroy a relationship. Be honest and accept that this person might not be the right person to lean on. Try to find a few guys who you can be honest with, rather than depend on only one person to support you.

2. Don't give up. My counselor gently offered that a stumble doesn't mean the war is over. Of course you want to keep away from the Big-M and pornography. But guilt and condemnation and feelings of failure are not helping you if they ultimately make you wanna give up. "Okay, I did go to that website that I decided isn't best for me, but I'm not giving up!" "Okay I was caught off guard and slipped, but I AM MAKING SOME PROGRESS BECAUSE ..."

3. Write down and update a list of stuff you KNOW. When it all feels like rubbish, reading it might mean nothing and not help at all, but going back to it again over time helped me to get sorta "centered" again.

Rolling Over to Go to Sleep

Some of the first changes were to do with sleeping. With the Big M gone, sex suddenly took on an overwhelmingly huge importance in my mind. I was obsessed. And, unfortunetaly for my wife, I often put her under subtle but real pressure to "help me". Anyway, the nights when sex wasn't on the cards, I laid in bed and stewed, boiled, tossed, turned and lost a lot of sleep. Thankfully that little mini-battle is over and now I only occasionally have touble sleeping like I used to before all this started. Looking back on it, I've let go and accepted that grown-up sexual relationships aren't available on-tap and no matter how cleverly it's covered up, a teenage tantrum or sulk will not change things.

This sounds kinda trite and simple looking back on it. It took many months for this process to complete. My determination is my greatest ally, but since I'm fighting against something "in me" I also come up against my own stubborness! "Hard Headedness" was the term used when I was a kid.

Story So Far...

I've been fighting against this addiction for over two years now, and thought getting my thoughts and feelings down might help some others.

I've been inspired by http://reallivepreacher.com and am not gonna preach or pretend I have all the answers, that it's easy, or that what works for one person will work for another.

So, a bit of

background:

My parents divorced when I was around puberty aged, and as one might imagine, my relationships with my parents didn't get any better. I can now see that I used masturbation as an escape of my feelings of anger & loneness--instead of it being a pretty healthy and normal temporary "phase" of activity. Fast forward to 25 years later. I'm very happily married. I actually think I'm very fortunate sexually--oddly enough! But I've had this dark spot which just wouldn't go away, get healed, grow-up or anything else. The internet has forced the problem into the foreground. Instead of trying to resist the adult magazines, it's been trying to resist typing certain words into search engines and certain URLs into the web-browser. The fact that computers are central to my career makes this interesting.


The big wake-up call came when I was caught after printing off some porn at work. My company handled it sensitively and fairly, but I knew I had broken company rules which could have cost my job. I'd been trying to fight this addiction for at least 10 years, but this turned up the temperature and made it a priority. My wife finally took it seriously and we started talking in earnest about spending some time and money to see a counselor.

I've understood some things, had some little "eureka" moments, but it's been more like cutting down a tree with a hand-saw than a chainsaw or explosives--which I've prayed for many times.

The only thing I've been sure of 100% of the time, is that giving up is not an option. Sometimes I've doubted God's love for me, my wife's acceptance of me, my own worth as a person. But thankfully, I've had an undescribable (sp?) rock-solid sureness that I'm gonna see this thing through. I don't know why. But I've always just known that I've known. Sounds like that elusive thing I've heard described and labeled as Faith.