AUGGH!

So, less than 24 hours to go. I struggled last night--not with M or porn but wanting to kiss and touch--which would have led from one thing to another to another until we would have missed our solemn goal of abstaining!

AUGHH! It hurts! Girls tight tops and skirts and legs and cleavage!

Lord help me!

Slipped , but didn't sin

So, messed around and went too far kissing the night before last. It
was great that I could get her turned on. That power was as good as
anything else. I told myself that I was just kissing, but I'm sure
she would have offered to not leave me behind, and I would've gone
along with that, being so turned on and all.

So, she didn't pick up on anything but it being good. I was kinda
pushing her to kiss me and she didn't notice?

Afterward one of my first thoughts was disappointment of missing our
goal to fast for my purity and freedom. But, it wasn't the end of the
world. Exciting.

So next day we started again & said we'd watch the kissing unrrul Wednesday.

Day 8: 5 days left

okay, the weekend starts this evening, then I only have Mon and Tues to go!

I want wednesday to be a positive thing about her and how fabulous she is, not about me and my cold turkey addiction trial. Gonna start woo-ing and romancing her.

I have felt a very strong urge to kiss her passionately, the old "one thing leads to another" like before we were married and trying to remain pure. Wasn't 100% successful at it then, so please God heal me and teach me and deliver me!

Looking forward....

Looking forward to sex again (six days).

But this gnawing discomfort in my groin isn't really about that
though.  Or at least the root of it isn't.  I might feel disappointed
and it might even be anticlimactic. Ha!

Please Lord, be Lord of my sexuality & fill this hurt.  I'm not
waiting for Wednesday, I want to let you in now.

6 days to go

halfway there. Last two days were pretty easy, but no so much now.

I feel that dull ache in an area that is symbolic of the perceived problem (not in my heart where it really should be).

I had a really good day at work the other day (that helped). I'm halfway there, oh I already said that. Hey, this is a prayer. The only audience that matters for this blog is God.

Father, "Help!!!" I know you can, I know you care, I know you are here. Help!

day 4: 9 days left

Maybe this won't be enough. Shouldn't it be tougher?

Not that i'm liking it. Will I need to do this again or for longer?

She thinks I'm handling it well. She doesn't notice how I'm a bit turned in on myself. It was nice having extra affection for the first few days, but I am annoyed and mildly angry (at her).

I am much strickter with myself about where my eyes go as I know I can't get any satisfaction/relief anywhere in sight. Not the best motivation--just being honest.

Maybe this torture and struggle is actually less than what most people go through in this or other areas. Why do I think my problems are so much worse than most other people? what about people suffering from serious diseases or who don't have sex? Let's compare myself to them instead of characters in porn movies (or don't compare at all-even better).

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Sunday: 10 days left

Getting more hugs than ever.

Verse: Psalms 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have
put my trust in the Lord GOD, That I may declare all Your works.

Am I gonna be a shaking strewn-out withdrawal obsessed wreck in a
week? Am I gonna be thinkin about it every second? Will it get was
easier?

Cleanse me, oh God!

Day 2, 12 to go

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Last night, the first night going to bed together knowing we wouldn't make love for two weeks. I'm angry at her even tho I believe her when she says she's doing this 'for' me and our relationship and my freedom.

Slept crap

Still did 5k race this morn. Tough as always. I prayed for selfishness to break. Colleague chatted to me briefly and that time went fast. Thought of helping another runner and remembered how
helpful that is for me. Thanked Him that I'm not alone & didn't feel strong dreaded desire to give up. Looking back, I enjoyed not being overwhelmed by the women in Lycra too.

Here We GO!!!!

So I bit the bullet and suggested we do a 1 Corinthians 7:5

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

The evening I suggested that we didn't make love, and I thought, man if one day is this hard, how is it gonna be for so many days?!! When I thought of the word, "IDOL" I thought we do need to do this for me. Hoping we'll find a new freedom in affection and reset or reboot my sexual expectations (maybe not immediately, but when we sow we reap!).

Then I come home from work a few hours ago and I've pretty much decided that 2 weeks is the amount of time I want us to do. A long enough stretch for it to have chance to flush out some demons and raise the crap that's in me, but not the month I originally thought as maybe that's being too extreme.

So what does she say? (besides that she'd thought 10 days)... She says, let's start yesterday. So, I have this huge dominating thought that she "doesn't want to make love to me tonight", didn't want to do it this evening--a rare evening that we have together without the kids. Damn! Start NOW! OUCH!!!! ^%$^%$£*&^* There are no words.

Anyway, "Here we go" God, please help me on this wild rollercoaster ride! I don't want to settle for anything but getting the most out of this experience and spiritual discipline. Not in my strength, in His (however that works), but I want to shake loose as many chains and shackles this month as possible! No it won't solve everything and some things might take time to kick in and bear fruit, but please, "MORE LORD".

My church leader said at the end of this time we might decide to extend it. Ha! That'd be a miracle for me to consider that!

Start Finish

Thurs 7th Wed 21st

I DON'T need sex or orgasms! (As Mark Gungor says, "I will not die!"

Jesus!