tripwire

so many things set off my angry thought, "she doesn't want me (want in context of sex).  Her wanting to spend time with whole family during holidays rsther than come to be with me.  Her wanting to go to sleep instead of making love, or even agreeing to go to sleep when I suggest we delay making love. 

It's like a surly child saying, "if you loved me you would do what I want!".  "Since you won't give me what I want, then you must not love me."

silliness.

But the lie is rigged there ready to explode, sending my anger through the roof.  Please, Holy Spirit, be the expert in my ear telling me which wire to cut so I can disarm this bomb once and for all.

Reality seems to be that I stumble along, making the same mistakes, eventually noticing little signs of erosion of the mountain and improvement of the disease, like how a kid grows--imperceptably, only when you are not looking. 

Itch & Scratchy on a bicycle

The cycle of lust, temptation, masturbation and self-hate goes round and round.

Lust and temptation is like an itch.  The more you have scratched it in the past, the harder it is to leave it alone this time.  You can do the right thing, looking away ten times.  But that one eleventh time you look, and it feels like the castle of sand crumbles.

So that one time when you feed the dog, you give-in to the "pull" and saddle up alongside the hunger, leering and inhaling some exciting female visual stimuli.....   It's like scratching an itch.  It feels great at the time, but it's oh-so short lived!  You end up feeling much worse and you're much more likely to get infected (sexual sin) and it's a very real possibility that infection will remain untreated and ultimately lead to gruesome gangrene, which bluntly put means horrible smelly rotten flesh.  Like a crack addict ruining all their veins and robbing their family members to feed the habit, a lust addict can't amputate the part of them which is infected.

Weird how I'm often surprised that I expect it to "hurt" or somehow feel negative when I choose to look away and not breathe in a female sexy form.  I think, 'now that wasn't bad at all, missing out on that!  Whereas when I do look, I hardly notice the enjoyment, but it revs up that engine that has nowhere to go.

Itchy & Scratchy on a bicycle

The cycle of lust, temptation, masturbation and self-hate goes round and round.

Lust and temptation is like an itch.  The more you have scratched it in the past, the harder it is to leave it alone this time.  You can do the right thing, looking away ten times.  But that one eleventh time you look, and it feels like the castle of sand crumbles.

So that one time when you feed the dog, you give-in to the "pull" and saddle up alongside the hunger, leering and inhaling some exciting female visual stimuli.....   It's like scratching an itch.  It feels great at the time, but it's oh-so short lived!  You end up feeling much worse and you're much more likely to get infected (sexual sin) and it's a very real possibility that infection will remain untreated and ultimately lead to gruesome gangrene, which bluntly put means horrible smelly rotten flesh.  Like a crack addict ruining all their veins and robbing their family members to feed the habit, a lust addict can't amputate the part of them which is infected.

Weird how I'm often surprised that I expect it to "hurt" or somehow feel negative when I choose to look away and not breathe in a female sexy form.  I think, 'now that wasn't bad at all, missing out on that!  Whereas when I do look, I hardly notice the enjoyment, but it revs up that engine that has nowhere to go.

Different Blues

Usually I write here when I'm angry because she didn't want to give me sex.

This time I'm in a mood because I've decided to not have sex.  My same buttons are pushed:

I've not had an orgasm
it looks like she doesn't 'want' me, or at least she doesn't want me right now, which means not always!

I have been reminded by my Bride herself (and Mr. Gungor) how I should "woo" her, let her know she's desired, romance her.  With porn we fantasize about he being 'ready' with no preparation, no work, no effort.  Of course that's not real life. 

Once recently I was in a mood and she fought against all the instincts to steer clear of me.  Instead she invited me upstairs---to bed!  We talked and I felt the mood lifting just because she was willing.  I found myself (impusively) saying, let's do this later, when I saw that people were just outside our window and she wouldn't be able to enjoy it really.  That was good that she saw that I can get out of my funk without actually getting an orgasm.  For me I think it was that I knew I could.  I had the power and wasn't in the dark of that it could happen.  That means the orgasm isn't the only way to get relief.  Knowing I could have an orgasm worked--so much that I said, 'no thank you' to the all important orgasm!

Back to now.  I've said let's go to sleep and not make love, for thre nights in a row.  But I feel in a funk today like I always do when she says no.  Last night I knew that I was tired, that we were unlikely to connect emotionally, and I imagined her just going through the motions and giving to me but not enjoying it herself.  That didn't seem appealing.  I'm now hornier than ever but must get out of this funk so we stand a chance for it to be right or at least not bad.  I feel like my equilibrium has been lost and I'll be able to be myself after the orgasm.  But the chicken and egg thing is that she needs me to be myself so we can enjoy good lovemaking.

The Great Counselor

Cycling to work this morning, I am glad my podcast finished and I didn't bother finding something else to pipe into my earholes.

Because I had a little conversation with myself.  It's not my crazy, really.

MyQuestion:  So what are you angry about?
Me: something about how I want sex every night, and I'm angry as I am expecting tonight to be the second night in a row with her either not willing to give sex, or at least not wanting to.

I went ahead and let some of my anger out, though I had to "give myself permission" because my first thought was that my feelings were "wrong" (no emotions are really wrong).  My expectations are based on my bogus habits and unrealistic expectations from fantasies coming to the forefront of my world.  There's no point blaming myself, or anyone else.  It just is what it is.  It's not easy or fun to change these things.  They are changed slowly and with difficulty. How, exactly?  Escaping from facing pain is how this all started, so it's gonna be painful seeing change & healing.  How does it look, one way is through these "conversations" and these new experiences and perspectives on the old emotions. 

MyQuestion: So, you say it's not fair.  Fine.  That's cool.  I hear you.  Another question:  Is it fair for her to have a life, to use her energy on things other than making love to you?  Is it fair for her to not to expect to do it, to even want to do it--every night?

Me: Hmmm. Of course, putting myself in her place is very helpful.  Sometimes healing comes to the spaces between the anger and the pain.  It's a delayed reaction that you only notice when looking back over time.  Not the epiphany or eureka moment or rocket launch, or explosion.  More a slow burn, more paint drying, the tide going out, or a scab healing.

It is worth listening to the conversation and asking, "Is this a voice like Fathers' or a trusted wise caring counselor who loves me and believes in me?  Is this that voice of judgement, blame and accusation expecting perfection?   Embrace His voice and tell the other one where to go.

Better than Usual

Last night she was tired.  I wasn't "up" enough to try to see the funny side or rise above it easily.  I started touching her, she eventually started hugging back.  I wanted to make love (of course).  She hadn't the night before, so she was less keen to say no tonight.  But she still obviously wanted to sleep instead of be affectionate.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.

I made one of those impulsive decisions and asked her if she wants to go to sleep, as she looked too tired.  She said "sure". (then said something nice like how much she enjoyed that last few minutes hugging).  My emotions had already skyrocketed, immediately after she said "sure".  It seemed almost like someone else had suggested this idea, which now seemed crazy.  Mostly I was feeling very angry and plenty hurt.  How could she be so flippant (as if rolling over and going to sleep was a huge thing, painful and abnormal).  What was true is that I might be facing a sleepless night. Damn!

I tried to let some of these feelings out, but I was concerned that I was doing it specifically to let her know how much I didn't like her response.  I tried to "cry" but silently.  I thought about how I don't want sleep to only come with lovemaking.  I very much wanted to not face another sleepless night either.

My mind started to spin through thoughts, not just negative stuff about sex, but other things, good things.  But things that have kept me awake lately.

Fortunately, after 20 minutes or so I fell asleep. That's great.   That's better than usual.  So nice that I'm not exhausted and obsessed and so tired I can hardly function--only counting down the hours until bedtime again--both for sleep and sex as my only thoughts.  Thank you Lord.  As often (if not always) the next morning I felt very strong resentment toward her.  "How could she?" "What about me?"  All these thoughts as if sex was a right, a need, something I can't live without.

My challenge now is to not show my annoyance toward her, to let go or cover it up.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.  Thanks Father.  No point dwelling on the "i wish" thoughts.  Feel them, process them (write about them) then try to let them go and try to move on.  Please help, Father.