Logical cost counting

The drugs aren't working anymore.

So let's assess the choices:

1) endless sexual partners, though only virtual, not real

handpicked body shape from the youngest taught-est, 

in her prime of sexuality.  

Never upset or tired.  

100% orgasmic and all keen.  

Always on, ready to please, never "No"

2) One loyal and loving flawed female.  

Ageing and expanding waistline 

and sagging imperfect bits.  

Inspires real relationship but nonplussed to share hair-plucking and muenstration updates.  Sometimes allows real intimacy, but not averse to pooing before going to bed together.

Option 1 is endlessly tempting and alluring, but leaves you robbed and worse than empty.

Option 2 looks like a loosing bet, a disappointment with no fun at all.  But you're shopping for a date in a whorehouse.  Your putting your life savings in a one armed bandit.  You're expecting a vampire to feed you, instead of drain you of your life.  The Devil doesn't do anything but take.

the look of freedom

what does freedom look like?
today, right now, it looks like disappointment and pain.
a sad resignation, waving goodbye to the euphoria.

'just like everything those kinda dreams just came and went' (John Mellencamp)

as the crests decrease and the waves are further from my shore.
resignation that it's time to let the fantasies die (although they won't go quietly)
Hanging on and believing for a miracle of always increasing sexual stimulus, to finally satisfy, is silly.
The pain of letting go is smarter and a better road than the pain of carrying on like I had been.

Feelings elude

I didn't know how to do emotion.  Never learned by watching parents, not as a baby, a kid or teen.

If anything I was shown some emotions are bad.  I know I'm uncomfortable with someone being angry at me, and I can see it's not right.

So, how are you feeling?  I haven't a clue.  When angry, I want to express it and let it out.  But I can't.  Maybe I want allowed to as a kid and now I can't allow myself to.  Really don't know how.

Recovery

For the last month or so I've found a new world.  It's not really new, the 12 step fellowships have been around forever and I've know about them.  I have relatives who are deeply involved and I know it helps them.



But something happened, a moment of clarity, and I realised 'the drugs aren't working anymore'.  I enjoy our sexual relationship, then the inevitable challenges of life mean I don't get sex, which collides with me being angry/tired/sad/bored.  I loose myself in some porn and masturbate.  But, it doesn't work it just makes it worse!  The treatment is worse than the illness.  I am more angry and more distant and more desperate (and full of guilt) after maturbating than before.

So, I saw this pattern.  I saw that I need something else.  So I started the Steps.  And although I haven't even found a sponsor yet, there's something new that's happening that I've not experienced ever before.  I had some clarity before, but I have a new hope and fairly consistently helpful moments of perspective that are outside me trapped selfish tunnel-vision.

Check out SAA, (Sex Addicts Anonymous) it's made up of a bunch of folks who are there because the found it helpful.  Very powerful to be able to be helped by those who have experienced the same brokenness.  Talk about finding someone who understands!  The fellowship creates a culture where everyone focuses on the program, which means mutual support and unconditional acceptance, practice with boundaries and individual responsibilities, dependence on God, volunteer help offered (a chance to be helped by others with similar experiences), volunteer help requested (a chance to help others with similar struggles), face to face fellowship with hope for you and the power of storytelling.

Feminine Sexuality

Her sexuality is a mysterious flower, opening in season, responding to patient loving care.

Porn strips her down to an empty fantasy, no pursuit, no wooing or romancing.

You'd like her to be ready at the drop of your pants, but real life doesn't work that way.
You'd like the safety of her always saying 'yes', no risk of being rejected, even avoiding the work.
But if you take away what you don't want, you miss out on the good with the bad.

You aren't in control, you don't get to choose.  You are not God and you didn't make woman.  You may be used to choosing through porn, but getting used to endless options spoils you for reality and what they're selling is bogus.  It promises satisfaction while you enjoy the endorphins, but you are left with guilt and the feeling of a dumb hick who's been swindled by a big city slick snake-oil salesman.

Fantasy, how it looks in reality

I remember a few specific situations that really bothered me. They threatened to open a crack in my fantasy. They were a spark of light trying to burn their way through my outdated unwieldy armor.

 1) affectionate young couple at another table in a restaurant. This made me mad.  I didn't understand why, but it symbolised things that I was loosing and how fantasy operated on autopilot for me.  I was jealous and it reminded me that our honeymoon was over, having children had taken us out of the stage of dreamily staring into each others' eyes. Instead of holding hands and looking at each other, we were now handing each other wet-wipes and looking out for our young children. This image of a young couple being lost in each other reminded me of wanting to escape from my 'real life' and it was angering that porn didn't deliver on it's promises of the fantasy world free of pain.

2) grade school plays, primary school assemblies: seeing the other parents sitting on these little children's chairs, the distracted dads, the mumsy mums. They weren't sexy, they weren't looking at each other. It was all about the children. This bothered me because my selfish childishness wanted to be the centre of attention. I came home from work, and was alone with her, but instead of sex, she put on her perfume to go to the most unglamorous of plades.  We spent the time sitting on those little-kids chairs, I was horny but saw an auditorium full of other frustrated dads and sex disinterested mums.