It wasn't unusual. I'd been hoping and expecting intimacy for several days. I knew the weekend morning was the best opportunity. Wishing it was spontaneous and unplanned was probably not even in my background thoughts, but it might have been there somewhere. The morning arrived and it didn't happen. I was appalled and angry and found myself resentful for the rest of the day. My urge to be in another room from her was powerful. My desire to punish her for giving me this pain was palpable. But it wasn't as strong as it had been the previous time. I remember filling up the watering can in the back garden and that's when it changed. I had been reading and thinking about trauma and neglect so I imagined that as a child I had rightly learned that my emotional and attachment needs were not going to be met. I had found my addiction as a way to try to cope with that problem. Now, as she hadn't given me what I thought I needed, my body (trauma lives in the body, not in the mind) had reacted just like I would as a kid when I didn't get what I needed. When I had porn I was in control and I could take action to soothe myself anytime I needed to. Now that I'm not using porn, I can see my reaction from a perspective of kindness toward that hurting and lonely child who had no language or nurturing about what to do.
I saw my childish and selfish behaviour from the perspective of kindness and understanding that needs are okay, understandable and valid. I was reacting today out of my unresolved trauma from childhood. Manipulation isn't good. But the best way to eradicate it is to see it like everything else from a position of kindness. I learned to manipulate to get what I needed when had no better choice. Now I do have choices so I am working to learn and practice and rewire my brain and habits differently. It's important to accept that I have needs, that my feelings are valid (even if not helpful, logical, rational or loving).
