Is my addiction another part of me? So many of us refer to 'our addict' as a separate identity, a personified part of our personality. Is it my inner child that needs to be loved and healed? Or is it a demonic possession that needs to be rejected and ejected?
I definitely am learning that I need to keep practicing self-kindness and I seem to have a blindspot preventing the good in me, the idea that I am truly loved, it can't seem to get into my heart. My Ego knows to try to grab affirmation and the shallowness associated with love. It's my default, and the spiritual program of action is digging a new trench. What Ego yearns for is empty and never satisfies. Taking my focus from the lifelong paths and longworn methods of comfort and escape is scary and painful. It hurts as it's letting go, maybe killing the hope of eternally living in the fantasy of something that I never really had in the past: never-ending youth.
So, let's practice writing some of the stuff about myself like I'd encourage anyone else to say about themself:
Yes, you feel loss, but you are still in the fight, and you're about to get your 18 month sobriety chip!
Yes, you are still working to accept life as it is, but you don't have to accept the imagined next month or next year or next decade yet. You only need the nourishment and resources today for today. Tomorrow will be taken care of when tomorrow becomes 'today'.
Yes, you are helping others, listening, caring, understanding and making a difference.
Yes, you are realising that you are loved. As you allow the lie that you 'need sex' to be put aside, it makes room for God to bring healing. On the other side of the pain, on the other side of the healing tears and fear-facing courage is some more freedom, a step in the direction of living in a new and better way,
You are doing a good job of working to rely on Him, asking for His help, expecting it and trusting. Forget perfection, you are doing fine, you are doing well, you are doing great.
Emotions will go up, they will go down. You will live, you will die. You've decided it's better to accept the less-than-ideal today, fact the imperfection of tomorrow, but truly live. Better to live today in a world that's not a fantasy, than miss out as more real life passes by. Ageing has meant some things have gotten worse, but isn't it better to be here now than not?
