Monday, September 21, 2009

Good, Bad

So sex is about giving, not taking. I was too tired to give (especially by the time we made it to bed). So I said, "maybe we should just go to sleep. That was me being honest and letting her off the hook of making me feel good. But when she said, "ok", I was FURIOUS! I wasn't too sleepy anymore! I was livid!

So she was confused. From her perspective, I said I was too tired, then I got angry when she said, "good night".

I decided to do the selfless thing, hoping she'd do the same. When she didn't, I was livid. But I'd released her and so there was no going back. I was hoping she'd offer to make love to me, but she didn't. She just lay there, free and unhindered. I was jealous of her freedom. I had to go in another room for a while. Shitty night sleep, but at least there was some sleep.

There's no hope wishing I could have sex whenever I want it. I am left no choice but to hope for freedom to cope when I don't get it.

Monday, September 07, 2009

unblemished

My sex drive was created to spur and motivate me to pursue her.

Porn makes me want to do nothing, to be lazy, to expect her to pursue me.

It won't work for me to sit back and as if I'm flicking through a TV remote control, wanting connection or a satisfied wife or fulfilled sexlife!

not so good

Maybe I've just come down from a natural, normal high.

But I was doing fine and everything was cool, then I thought how much we're talking about other people and mundane things and I thought, "I wish she'd spend a fraction of this much energy on pleasing me sexually". That was all it took. Spiral, big time!

I was annoyed and angry for the rest of the night. I tried talking to her about how she is what what she wants, but I really just wanted her to exist for me, specifically, sexually.

So being honest enough to admit how I was feeling brought nothing of any use.

I went to bed angry with her offering a flippant sounding hope that I feel better and that it is prbably "just my emotions".

I reeled and raged, jealous that she's so at peace and no unmoved. I didn't particuarly want sex, I would have accepted that, but I was kinda feeling bored and in a rut. I cried out inside, "Jesus" and eventually had a fitful sleep.

Woke up angry in general, angry at her and others.