Bible Study: purity

“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." Job 31:1

Holy Spirit thank you that you are here and wanting me to succeed. 

"Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ." Rom 3:22 MSG

Thank you Father for placing me in Christ Jesus "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 NIV

Thank you Father for having strength I can use to bear temptation.

"Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 MSG

Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Cor 7:1

Thank you Jesus that you have are growing my heart of holiness and reverence for God.

"If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." 1 John 6-7

Thank you Jesus for your Blood and the Cross and cleanliness from all my sin! 

What is sin? to miss the target, such as the target when shooting slings (Judges 20:16), or God (Exodus 20:20) Do not confuse the righteousness of God that is upon us through faith in Christ, and the fruits of righteousness that God wants us to bear as we grow in Him.

Doing it Different

We're pulling back the layers and being really honest.  This morning she didn't feel very well and I was very horney.  If I was perfect I'd say, "oh, poor you.  Nevermind about my desires."  But I was worried about how could I tell her that I'm horney without being pushy about it.  I just told her that pretty much straight.  She said she didn't feel like it but maybe tomorrow.  Then we sat on the bed talking for ages and every time she touched me I was hoping she'd changed her mind.  Lacy knickers were on the floor right in front of my line of sight and I couldn't keep my eyes off them.

I've been wondering if she really meant no and hoping she'd "throw me a bone" the whole morning.  I imagined how asking her would not be thoughtful and how I might even find it a disappointment from the emotional pesrpective (but not physically!)  When she got close to me and thanked me for being understanding, I finally knew no was no.

Now I'm feeling angry and grumbling "F*CK!, F*CK!, F*CK! under my breath.  I change it to "DIE!, DIE! DIE! willing and praying for my flesh to be crucified in this pain.  Tonight/tomorrow isn't forever. 

I'm glad I'm able to not withdraw from her and I'm glad I'm not heavy or pouting or "beside myself".  I do want to stay away from our bedroom and bathroom while she gets dressed and ready.  I really am drawn to try to change her mind in that opportunity.  I do want to eat or sleep or find something to get away.  I want to masturbate too, sorta.  Sexy comedy videos aren't helpful but they have a strong attraction too.  Grrrrr!  She doesn't know how hard this is, but it doesn't matter to what's right.

Change ain't easy

So I suggested we make love less. My hope that she'll resist shows how far these stupid fantasies from porn of insatiable sex mad women has gone.

Anyway, making the decision isn't the hardest part. I've been resentful & angry & sad. Do I really think that I can change things by protesting? I want to process these feelings in a healthy way. Maybe I'm not being manipulative. I dont know if the hurt is exaggerated by me in hopes that pity will move her to give me what I want.

Honestly, brutally honestly, I'm feeling angry that she's "making" me go through this. I'm feeling hurt by my unmet desires & want to punish or at least withdraw from her. Not nice. These are the raw selfish broken ways--hopefully it doesn't get much lower or twisted than this. Godly sorrow -> tue repentance. Shame be broken by this being out in the light where truth and freedom and healing live!

Scheduling Sex

I hear Mark Gungor (great man of God, check him out, he's like no other) saying if a couple has trouble prioritising their sex life they should schedule it in their diary like anything else that's important.

I'm trying to talk to her about when and how often we have sex--not to make sure we do it more (I'd like that) but to help myself to let go and give-in to making love less often.  God, please give me a pat on the back for suggesting and trying to do this.  It's not easy, it's scary and painful.  I pray it breaks the lie that I can't live without it.  I want to be a man by facing the pain and diving into the challenge head on!

I want her to want to make love.  She enjoys is once she gets into it, but I've been so demanding for so long that she can't remember the last time she thought about wanting to do it.  Sigh.... When living by the fleshful desires we end up driving away the very thing we want.  I pray that by letting go I will end up regaining what I was grasping for and trying to control (plus be a giving lover and a thoughtful husband).  Let it go.  Let it die.  If you lose your life you will find it. Not really a contradiction but an amazing mystery.

So we we've talked about it once.  We haven't agreed yet, but we might be agreeing/expecting to "do it" once or twice during the week and once at weekends.  Three times a week happens, but probably more than half the time we do more.  Twice a week could be a challenge, almost like a fast.  They say your sperm production increases to keep up with "demand".  I wonder if I'd have a wet dream if we did a month of twice a week? I read that purposefully abstaining from sex for long enough to have two wet dreams is a perfectly healthy way to "reboot" your sexual appetite.  Whew!


Some how we need to be relaxed and not overly rigid or legalistic.  If I demand my "sessions" in the wrong spirit she won't want to give me even that much.  If I'm not flexible and releasing about times she doesn't want to do it (regardless of how our count is going) that won't help our sex life.  Biggest problem is she says we need to be free to still do it more if we want to.  That means I might still be hoping and wishing and obsessed and pushing for it and ignore our plans to reduce the regularity of our love making.  The flesh and addiction in me wants MORE and cries at the thought of less.   Maybe agreeing it in a conversation in the cold of day will make it easier than to face the new raw pain at night when we're both tired and it feels very much to me like, "This always happens" when she says no, even if it's actually far far less than half the time (and far far less than most husbands suffer).  She's acutely aware of all the times we do it (most evenings).  I'm exageratingly painfully aware of the times we don't do it.

What would make this best is to pray together more.  On nights before we go to sleep (regardless of whether we've 'done it' or not it'd be great to pray a very simple prayer together, or initiated by one or the other with a simple "amen" by the other.  "Thank you Father for our love life, for my spouse" would be great.

Addiction causes. Triggers

Russell Brand's excellent documentary on addiction says experts in the brain found three interesting reasons for addiction

Stress: some brains react to stress in a way that makes addictive behaviour far more likely even though everyone experiences stress. Some people have a condition where being cut causes them to bleed but it does not clot. They don't use this condition as an excuse to not take responsibility for treating cuts or avoiding cuts, but it's different for them.  They have to live differently.


Dopamine: some have low levels of dopamine. Anyone with this irregularity will find it hard to avoid something that triggers or increases this vital natural chemical that is found in all our brains, naturally. Without enough dopamine we find it hard to get out of bed,we are low and are very susceptible to temptation of things that will make us feel better.

Impulsivity:  people who suffered from problems with addiction to strong drugs were all found to be highly impuslive. Everyone has temptations and desires that aren't healthy.  Those who are particularly impulsive are at higher risk of acting on those desires.  I might say, "No" 99 times, but sometimes I find myself on the other side of "yes" before I realise what I've done.  My impulsiveness can work for me as well.  Sometimes I get up and go for a run before I have a chance to think about how much I don't want to exercise.  I once threw away my entire stash of pot in a rightly motivated impulse to clean up and fly right!

If you struggle with addicition (porn, etc.) you might need to take responsibility for your moods, learn to change the ways you cope with stress, and manage your impulses much tighter than most.  Freedom is possible, it's up to us to take responsibility then, and only then, do I believe God will step in and give us a miracle.

She's strong, I'm appauled

Read an excellent book Boundaries. She's reading it now & it's helping her to see that her feelings and wants are important too.

All that good stuff yet I'm livid that she said she didn't want to do it last mint. Why not? Because she's free and it's not a burden. She was annoyed at me and didn't feel like it. It had only been two nights since we did it. But I'm appalled & powerfully driven to challenge or plead or any other word that means convince or control her . It's like I can't let go & get past her saying no & I think she owes it to me. I can't think about anything else and don't want anything except to "put right" what seems so wrong. I have been changing my "fuck. Fuck! Fuck!" expressions and cries to "Die! Die die" but the newness has worn off & it doesn't seem so useful anymore.

Help Me Be a Man

Father help me, search me, change me. I am still being demanding and creating an atmosphere of heaviness and neediness.

I need your help in crucifying this. I want to do it. I want to let go, to allow it, to drive the blade in deep with no holding back.

I don't want to turn back. I want to be free to accept the pain and stop pushing her out of my ridiculous wants and desires. Sex every day, every time we're alone is just not gonna happen. Get over it. Deal with it.

Truth is its not about your orgasms, not physically. There's no problem with you not getting it last night or today. You will be fine. As Mark Gungor says, "you will not die".

Benefits of My Freedom

No pressure for her when we don't do it

Not tortured on days when it hasn't gone my way

Won't use so much brain power with all the silly fantasies I want her to initiate.

Less stress, better sleep when we don't do it



More intimacy, all the time

Quality, better than quantity

She might initiate lovemaking more

What? 5 Days?!!!

So she gave me her side of these last four days. She is annoyed that I've not seemed to think about anything other than doing it. She couldn't care less about it. She was gonna grudgingly go along tonight, but hearing her say that made me go down a decision I knew id regret but hopefully is gonna be a blessing to someone some day.

I didn't do it out of anger, but I said looking after her & making her feel valued is more important to be than an orgasm. I immediately found myself wondering if I could change my mind, wake her up in the night, get her in bed in the morning tomorrow, anything! She didn't seem to give a shit, had no clue,seemingly, how damn hard that was to do & how hard it is to stick with a decision like that. This isn't the longest ive been without an orgasm, but it's close & been a while.

I guess this is what I asked for when I pleaded with her to say no & be strong sticking up for what she feels is right and not giving me sex all the time. Damn! (^8

Jesus please help me to let go & not be cross tomorrow again just like today thus making this pain pointless!

Later, Not Soon Enough

I feel that dull ache in my loins. I think it's a pretty good chance that we'll do it tonight, but I feel all I've been doing is waiting and missing chances to do it. I might blow it for tonight by creating an atmosphere as a reaction to her not being willing to go to bed with me this afternoon. Ironic.

 Good perspective: going through this pain will equip me for the next time I have to do this. Might speed up healing/freedom. Might make it hurt less next time, get me closer to it not hurting--sooner.

I feel I've worked so hard to think of her. I've gritted my teeth and put her first, forced myself to come out of my withdrawn self and do stuff that she finds loving. Problem is that I want something in return. I want to let go & stop keeping score. I want to love her with no strings attached, even when I feel like I have lava pulsing through my veins.

When she says no, I want to let go & move on. Nothing loving about doing it when she doesn't want to. But I still desperately want it regardless of what she wants.

When I'm away from her I don't feel the same pressure £ pain. I guess its the manipulation pushing for me to push her. Thankfully it doesn't push me toward an office affair or other infidelity. If the pain isn't here when we're away then I can overcome & see it gone when we're together too. Not having our intimacy robbed!

So, if the way to make headway in this fight is to face it, then the more days without sex means a chance to get to health and freedom quicker.  This is something I've dreaded and suspected but was rarely strong enough to consider.

"I promiste to love you, in sickness and in health"  a great part of our wedding vows.  Security comes from knowing we won't get ditched or disregarded just because we run into health problems.  Covenant means sticking together regardless.  If I get sick I have the benefit of you as my lifelong partner and your health in my support.  If you become poor you have the benefit of my riches.  It's great the way we share our weaknesses and share our strengths!

Anyway, she's not feeling very well.  Nothing serious, thankfully.  But I'm struggling with wanting my fix regardless.  She's experiencing a new perspective of being strong and saying no to me (in so many words) rather than worrying too much about my twisted desires.  She just sent me on my way without a quickie.  It makes the fourth day in a row of nothing.  I am embarrased about that last sentence.  I think no one else would make so much drama out of going a mere four days without sex.  Plenty of husbands go more than four days as a good statistic and are thankful for it!  Still, my reality is what I'm feeling and experiencing and I'm trying to adjust to a better place.


I managed to do lots of things other than try to get an orgasm from her in our alone time.
I decided to not ask/push/initiate intimacy dozens of times.
I had a view of what was going on with her and her perspective of not feeling like it.
I struggled thinking this was the longest I've been without an orgasm, but I didn't express heaviness to her.
I swore and complained out loud on my way to work, but I was aware of a better perspective at the same time.
I remembered several times that I don't need an orgasm, although it seems everything in me felt otherwise.
I remembered that it would feel empty and guilt and negativity would follow if I pushed for a disconnected orgasm.

Father would say to me:
Well done, Son.  You are connected to me and my perspective and strength.  This is the kind of husband you want to be and I'm proud of you.  I hear your cries and I am with you.  It won't always be this tough.  You can see how it's getting better even in the middle of this trial.  I am proud of you, and I will not give up on you and I will never leave you.  I love you, Dad.

Doing Right, thinking wrong

So I really do have a lie in me that I need an orgasm. That it's my right.

Watching her cough repeatedly did not ease my obsessive & selfish dominant thoughts & overwhelming attitude.

I gritted my teeth and tried to distract myself from asking her to give me an orgasm. Trying to find a way to say, "please do me" somehow magically changing it from being selfish to ok, I distract myself by doing a chore or job round the house that she will appreciate. I was giving off some negative vibes & intensity at the end, but I had to not put my arms around her or embrace her saying goodbye so I wouldn't ask her for what I knew wasn't loving for me to expect.

 I have a meta lie around all this: that I'm flawed, wrong, need to be disqualified. I find myself wanting to argue that I'm too screwed up and show those who love me that I'm hopeless. It's self destructive & depressed. It elicits disagreements for encouragement and what good is it if I am right? Hurrah--you win the argument, too bad that means you don't have hope. I'll give up that lie & and loose the argument but win the rest of my life, freedom and success.

More to Life...

.... Than SEX!

Some things that fullfil and satisfy other than sex/lovemaking/orgasm:

1) giving out to my kids
2) being of use in church family
3) fulfilling my calling & using my gifts--even at work!
4) writing creatively
5) creating, building, making

Momentum feels like going downhill

Out for a run a few times lately I've enjoyed His small still voice.  It's been great to enjoy my 80's rock and break into thankfulness and commune with Him too.  No guilt or negatives about "how much, how long, how devout"  Just enjoying Him.

Driving the other night I had a thought, and a related meta-thought that was like, "That's negative, that's not very Christlike".  Then I realized that I spend energy wishing I was more whole, more selfless, more together.  Maybe covering it up or pretending I'm better.  Does this drop on my dark damp pile of shame?

What if I could say, "yeah, that's true about me now.  I have that weakness or fault. But God loves me and it's ok.  Wouldn't that be the most mature, humble and godly attitude and approach?  Honesty, what a radical concept!

Me me me

I want to ask less. I want to NOT be the one wanting it and expecting it and prioritising it. She's not going to want it more, so I need to want it less.

I want to not ask for it and see her interest arising. I can't control or engineer her wanting it. I am not sure I can manage letting go. I find myself pulling back, turning away, disengaging, withdrawing. Feeling angry & annoyed at her, resenting her and it comes out in what I say and how I am with her.

For this to happen I have to believe I can go a few days without it. If I make a big deal about it and talk to her about it all then I'm relying on her and it's not the same. How can I be honest & talk about this up-front without drawing attention to how big a struggle it is for me and how I want her to behave.

I need to be normal and not miserable, not sulking, not in a cloud.

I don't know if I can do it.

I am living and behaving as if I need it. How do I change what I believe?
If I live my life like something is true, then whatever I read and say, it's not really what I believe. I will not die without it.
I keep forgetting this.

How do I renew my mind? I know the verses.

Letter to 12 year old self, draft1

So, you've been at this for a while now and a twelve year old can see a few years as a lifetime.

But I know you better than most and you can trust me to want only the best for you.

Pain

It seems unbearable and especially unnatural and unfair but pain is part of life and you are not alone in wanting to avoid it.  If no one else has told you to face it and that they'd stand by your side I am saying that now.  You can do it and you are not alone.  It won't last as long as you think.  Once you make up your mind to sit it out, it gets easier and it's a pleasant surprise how it does pass quicker than you'd have expected.  

Sadness/Anger

You grew up thinking sadness or anger are not allowed but they are unavoidable.  This doesn't mean the world is a bad place, it's actually a better place when it's a real place and when it has the full spectrum of experiences.  There's a cathartic cleansing feeling that comes with letting the sadness/anger go through you rather than trying to  keep it out or keep it in.

Sex

Remember when you first had sex and you thought, "Wow, someone thinks enough of me to do this with me!".  Well the good news is someone thinks a lot more of you than that.    It's hard to talk about this when it's been shaded in secrecy and shame, but let me tell you it's not everything. It's not the meaning of life and it's not the source of wholeness or satisfaction or redemption.  It's great fun and you'll have wonderfully "mind-blowing" experiences but it's just the icing on the cake, not the food that nourishes your soul.  It is magical and spiritual sometimes, but don't build your world around it, ok?

Masturbation

You don't need to be ashamed anymore.  Every man has gone through a time of masturbating and I am finishing that phase for us.  It doesn't give us what we need and it causes more problems rather than helping.  We're as strong as anyone and we're not alone!  We've beat other habits and we've shown determination and self-discipline that it truly inspiring!  

Pornography

Can you imagine talking to someone about this?  It's possible. It does happen. You might be overwhelmed by shame but me and others love you and are telling you that we can talk about it just fine.  The amazingly beautiful and captivating female form is a god-given masterpiece but it's not meant to be your sunlight or meat and vegetables.  Our use of porn has strengthened the brain synapses between seeing an attractive female form and being turned on and wanting an orgasm.  These two don't need to be connected and this connection will be eased to make sex and the rest of our life better too!

Affirmation from Dad

You will one day see that Dad did his best and didn't mean to hurt you.  Sometimes you've misread him and imagined problems between you two that weren't really there (he never expected you to be perfect).  Of course he's made mistakes but he loves you.  He wants the best for you.  He has tried and he isn't perfect either.  You will get what you need--but not always from him and not always when or how you want it.  Forgiving him is best and I see us doing it and everything being better for it.  You are doing a good job.  Well done, keep it up.  Your Heavenly Father has seen you stumble but He's very proud of all you have done; the way you have not given up, the way you keep fighting.  Both of your father's would be proud of how you keep pursuing what is right.  You can take comfort from seeing how your own sons are growing up and bearing good fruit.  What you didn't get from your Dad you can enjoy giving to your own sons--mistakes included!

Pain like

Pain like a tooth ache gnawing, deep that comes in waves and throbs like the thumping beat of repetitive urban dance track.

The relief is nearby, but you gotta stay away as it's no cure, just a fix that will feed the monster making him bigger and louder.

How to rise above it?  Grit your teeth and pretend "its just a flesh wound"?

Introduce the negative, overbearing elephant in the room?  Not very nice or conducive for enjoying each others' company.

There's no appointment to look forward to.  No helpline or surgery or hospital.  Can't even get away from it as its in me.

Renounced

So, it must be time to fast from sex again because I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. I'm doing well at not eating junk and I'm just about keeping to my new plan to run 3 times a week. Does that have anything to do with why I am more demanding sexually? less flexible and more troubled!

I denounce feeling like I need sex just because I pursued it. I am free to pursue her and she is free to say no. She doesn't owe it to me!

I denounce craving disconnected sex that seems far too much like masturbation or the fantasy of porn sex (immediate, no kissing, wham-bam-just-thinking-of-me-ma'am).

I denounce seeing sex from perspective of what I can get and being oblivious to what I can give and what she can get.

I denounce the lie that once I've imagined getting it, I will physically hurt until it happens. As Mark Gungor says, "You will not die!"