Rage and Restraint

I'm enraged right now. I shouted at the kids because of my anger more than their petty crime. I was fine until my bride asked me (along with the kids) "what do you want to do this afternoon". It took a split second for me to know my real answer, but I cleverly disguised it, hoping to still get my point across. "Kissing and hugging your Mom is what I wanna do, Boys". Her vote was to do some ironing.

I got the kids started on the computer, helped them out when they got stuck and played cars with the youngest one when he had enough. I was doing everything right. But the thought that I coudn't have what I wanted stayed with me. She noticed I wasn't quite right. It seemed pointless to admit all this, so I tried something different. I said maybe sometimes my mood just dips and the things that are going on don't really have anything to do with it. Nice theory, but I knew it wasn't true. She bought it and we moved on. I wasn't particularly fun at the evening meal. I remembered the book "Say Goodbye to Stubborn Sin" (see sidebar for link for more info.) saying about how our flesh cries out quickly and makes loads of excuses while the still small voice of the Spirit says little but carries a lot of wisdom. As everyone was deciding which dessert to chose, I knew that being pissed off was a time when I'd revel in some chocolate. So I decided to listen to that still small voice who said that it wouldn't satisfy and that I'd like to loose some weight, so why not make a wise decision right here and now rather than go for the comfort snack. I am feeling particularly angry and down, so comfort is more appealing than usual. But I made the right decision. I don't think she understood what all was going on though.

So I created that atmosphere and reduced one of my kids to tears during the bedtime routine. They triggered my anger, but they didn't really cause it and didn't really deserve it. That's the atmosphere I really wanted my own family to not carry on like a twisted tradition.

But I'm watching the days slowly count by. I'm loved even though I'm not in a state of sexual bliss. I'm not alone even though she chose ironing over affection with me. I can recognize these harmful mental processes and that means I can stop myself falling into these black holes of lies.

Steps forward, even with Stumbling

Okay, a few things to say. I can tell I'm winning in this thing. Times that I don't get sex I'm not very angry at all. The next morning I'm not seething, sometimes not angry at all. I'm not obsessing about it all the time the next day either. The idea of not having sex every day doesn't seem preposterous anymore. I can joke about stuff and see our sexlife from a much more "normal" perspective than ever since this battle really started.

I was thinking about stuff that helps. People might come here looking for clues to what works. Well it doesn't help to be isolated. All the crazy ideas that bounce around your head just get worse. You really do need someone to talk to. You really do need to just be around couples and see real relationships. I didn't have to talk about sex at all, but just being around another couple like us, with children... Somehow it helped me to see our lives compared to theirs (and be thankful even!) rather than our lives compared to some sexual fantasy from a montogue of porn movies (which leaves me feeling robbed and always wanting more).

I put a little java counter in the upper right corner of this site so I can be "accountable" about my last stumble into the big M. Weird how I know I'm getting better all the time. I know the battle is getting easier and I'm seeing myself more realistically, adjusting my expectations, not feeling the same strong pull toward "acting out" to feel better so much.

Still, sometimes I get an unusual opportunity or something and I just give in. Last time is recorded here and I hope the count keeps climbing and climbing.

Buy Orgasms, but count the cost

Sex is not like a soft drink or a gumball. You may browse the choices before putting in your money--confident that you'll get what you want--with a product.

Too much counterfeit loving will trick you into expecting to get it on demand, when you need a lift, want a buzz.

Keep getting it on your own terms and you'll feel deeply wronged when you want it but she doesn't or can't.

It's like Karma, or sowing and reaping. Make a strong enough habit out of one-sided sex on selfish terms, and you'll struggle with being flexible and understanding about your real partner.

She doesn't look perfect. She may not flirt and tease the way the montague of porn girls do. Your real woman's body won't be as perfect as those dozens that you prefer from the hundreds. If you're fortunate enough to have a real woman, she won't fulfill your wildest fantasies without you even having to go through the shame of speaking them.

But, she's yours. If you're lucky (like me) she'll stick by you in the tough times. She loves the whole you. She's three dimensional, not just a moving image on the screen or a glossy photo in a magazine. Yeah, her body changes over the years (like yours!) but with ever year comes deeper knowledge and trust--true intimacy. It's these things that makes real mind-blowing lovemaking. Too bad it doesn't happen as often as porn leads you to believe--but it's better.

Better in every good and real way.

Praying in Anger

On my way home last night I was livid. I knew it was too late to have much a chance for sex. (Even less a chance for love-making). I glanced at a few girls dressed for the heatwave which is raging in more ways than one. I thought, "There's no where I can go!" I can't go home to feel better. I can't masturbate (it won't help), we're both too tired for lovemaking, and there's no where I can go to get it. I've just gotta accept it and get used to it. Be Here Now--that saying is for the good times and the painful ones.

So I sorta poured these venomous feelings at God. It wasn't a humble or polite prayer. It wasn't thankful or at all religious.

I got home and when the moment of truth arrived (because I always hold out some hope, silly me!) I had predicted correctly that we were too tired to make love. But her body language was telling me that she'd let me "have sex with her". I don't know what I was thinking and feeling, but I just turned over to go to sleep instead. I actually decided to abstain from an orgasm! That's happened a handful of times, but it's still very significant for me.

I'd like to be able to say that I rolled over and immediately went to sleep. What I had just done sent lots of thoughts and feelings pulsing and rushing through me. Even though I was as exhausted as I'd been for a long time, I found myself wide awake again. It took me a while to get to sleep, but at least I didn't go downstairs for a fix of comforting food or sense-numbing TV or even worse... porn and sexual relief.

In the night I dreamed that I ate a blueberry muffin which was contaminated in some odd way. As a result I had these tiny white worms inside my body. I remember trying to pull one loose from my anus, but it was attached to tightly and it was too slippery. freaky-yucky.