As if I Was Her

So, let's write a verison of recent happenings from what I think her perspective might be:

"Yesterday was a good day, and I got a chance to relax a bit after a particularly busy few days. I got lots of things done, satisfying doing this and that and this and that. He'd been wanting sex a lot in the last few weeks, and I've gone along with it. Sometimes it's been really nice, but I've enjoyed working in the garden, cycling to school, etc.

So last night, I was pretty tired by the time we got in bed. I'd put the kids to bed myself and I'd been out too many evenings in a row. He agreed to go straight to sleep, but then I knew he was cross. I really do care about him, but that doesn't mean I always want sex.

I could have given him an O, but that wouldn't have been the right thing to do, and it would have meant we'd be in this cycle of needing that even more the next time he couldn't sleep. I don't want our lovemaking to be a drug. I want him to be free. I'm praying that for him.

So I noticed he suggested we not have sex the next day either, I just hope it isn't too hard for him and that he's not got a grumpy attitude as a result. "

Cold Turkey

So two nights ago I slept shitty. She was too tired to do it, and I had a pretty good attitude at the time. But then I couldn't sleep (still didn't get mad at HER) but the next day I was resenting her. So that night I was appauled and incredulous that again she preferred to go to sleep.

All day I'd been thinking about how the truth is coming out. If she denies me (sex, sex at a different time, dressing sexy, anything) I am seeing the truth that these things don't satisfy and don't solve my problems. I naturally am drawn to these things, but I'm not satisfied by them. If, by chance, she goes along with some of my requests and wears a skirt or something, I am seeing that I'm still not satisfied, besides I can see that she doesn't really want to.


So, last night when I got irate that she didn't want to TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW!, she said, "it seems we're doing it all the time". Shit, for me it seems like we're always missing out on opportunities for sex, but to her is seems like the opposite. Damn! So, just like when she said she'd like to go to sleep, I said, "okay, that's what we'll do" (but i was livid). When she said it seems like all we do is make love, I said, "okay, then we won't do it tomorrow".


It's helped that I've been sent on some business trips in the last few years, 'cause that forces me to see the truth that "I DON'T NEED IT DAILY". I forget that so quickly and easily. So, no sex last night, none the night before, and now none tonight either. This is no different than the last time I went on business trip, and other times before.


So last night I tried to "tense" every muscle in my body, 'causing me to shake and vibrate weirdly. Then after almost a minute of that I relaxed. I think doing that over and over is a good technique for wearing myself out and/or tensing to get relaxed when I can't sleep (especially handy when I've not had sex but need to fall asleep).

Lemme write an entry here from the persepctive of HER to force myself to get out of my selfish view.

Source?

She'll give me what I want sometimes, but she's only doing it because I ask. The fantasy bubble is popped. So I'm sad when I can't have what I want, and I'm sad when she gives it to me and I realize that she's not enjoying it.

So, I gotta let go and look somewhere else for what ever it is that I really need. What's gonna make me feel special and loved, 'cause porn doesn't, and neither does trying to copy some of the excitement and variety.