180 degrees

I started journaling in a time when I felt so far away from God that I started wondering if He was available for me to find at all. My experience of my Father being absent or distant tainted my view of God until I feared He was the same.

It's been a long dark time. I've seen a measure of improvement, like a rock climber slowly painfully yanking himself up a sheer cliff wall, one inch at a time.

That picture is great as it shows me doing it myself and it doesn't show God anywhere.

I keyed off other sufferers of addiction, looking for fellowship and answers, but also picking up on their frustration with the Bible and ineffectiveness of the Church. To be fair, all the people who I believed had found healing attributed it identically: Jesus. Not a method, not a concept, not an idea. A revelation and change of heart.

That rings true still.

But how to get there?

That was my search.

Was this destined to be my path to healing? I often wonder if I could get there quicker, if I'm my own worst enemy stubbornly holding on to my demons, avoiding seeking God?

I think I'm out of touch with what pain feels like. I can't measure it or comment on it. Was I in too much pain? Was it too much for me to approach God? Seems like not, but then I'd blame myself. I think I did try to seek Him, sometimes in some ways.

Thing is that a major change has come, I've found Him again. I asked Him to show me that He's near and He has. It's not been a tangible Hallelujah moment, it's been much more naturally supernatural. Thing is that it's real. I am enjoying knowing He's here. I have hope in hearing Him and finding Him and enjoying Him again. It's not as much as I hunger and thirst for (makes sense). I even find myself being selfish and avoiding Him or the discipline or work of seeking Him--even right now when I've got such a recent and good experience!

So a lot of this has come about as I've embraced some very "black and white" charismatic Christians ministry and, despite my out of control cynicism, God has allowed me to receive some freedom. How did it happen? Some people were praying and have been praying. Some other people (not perfect, just people who trust Jesus) have preached the Truth, given me

a chance to pray and respond to God, then given me a chance to pray while someone stood with me in agreement. It sounds so simple and sometimes it was cheesy. But all I can say is God used that to clear out my cobwebs and see Him and enjoy Him. I didn't pray about my addiction specifically as I knew I needed more time and wanted to do this one-to-one rather than in a large group. The ministry I had was called, "Cleansing Stream" from an American pastor and author who I deeply respect, Jack Hayford. Next is a very similar but one-to-one process called, "Restoring the Foundation". (Even watching the promotional video brought up more cynicism in me. But by the time it was over I was welling up with tears and I'd changed my mind--again).

So my advice is to TRY praying. Try talking to Him. Try listening to Him! Find someone loving who can pray for you. Maybe DO listen to that person who is suggesting you memorize some verses from the Bible! Just because it hasn't worked or has set off legalistic alarms in the past doesn't mean it can't actually be His way of helping you and healing you!

God is so Good!

I am up

Well over 95% of my postings here are written when I'm mad, horney and/or sad.

Hurray that tonight I'm not, although it's been 3 times longer than I
usually wait for sex. Yes, three whole revolutions of this big blue
marble!

So I've not blown my load for a long time, yet I'm happy! How can
that be? Dunno. Read some good stuff in Eric Claptons biography, and
some fantasticly fabulouso amazingly freeing and life-full words in No
Perfect People Allowed!

Life is good!

I don't want much...

I don't always want sex or an orgasm, just under certain circumstances:

1) if I'm sad to cheer myself up
2) if I'm happy to celebrate
3) if I'm bored for stimulation
4) if I've done something well as a reward
5) if I've something has gone wrong as a commiseration
6) if I've just enjoyed great sex, then I'd like it to not end
7) if it's been a long time since sex, then I'd desperate and obsessed!
8) if it's morning, I wake up with a woody
9) if it's daytime, I'm enthralled by the idea of an "afternoon delight"
10) if it's nighttime, then I know I better get what I can as it'll be 24 hours before the next opportunity
11) if she's in the mood (the good stuff, as it's meant to be)
12) if she's not in the mood (quickie, easy disconnected sex!)

Seems this list is missing some entries, but you get the idea

2010: Five Years!

Just noticed I've been posting my bile and infectious spewings here for five years, since 2005! So what's changed since then? Sadly, I'm not completely free yet, but things continue to get better.

Good:
After what I percieve as "missing out on sex" I am not angry at her for the entire next day

I am very rarely tempted to masturbate, regardless of how tired or horny or angry or sad.

When we don't do it I don't really feel unloved or rejected.

I'm less isolated which helps me to realize how crazy and unrealistic it is to want quickies or imagine her a love machine put here purely to pleasure me.

I push her to say no, rather than ignoring her humanity and wishing she always feels like it.

Bad:
I still surf to pages online that aren't helpful, and a few times I've viewed porn

When we don't do it I still feel angry and cheated.

I still want quickies and a love machine that's here solely to pleasure me.

I still wish she's always say yes.

What else?

I find myself searching for a lie that this is all anchored to.

"Constant sex will cover that you're not loved"
"If you don't get sex you will not be okay."
"The only way to cope with not beling loved is by getting more sex"
"You deserve sex, it's your right since you've had such a shit childhood/father"

Less to get better

I've been expecting and wanting and trying to get more and more sex.
Good news is that it's only from my wife, but she's got fed up. I
took the painful decision to agree some sort of regularity for us to
do it. I'd love that to be 3 times a day, in different placed, out of
the house as well,

But I knew I needed to suggest something more realistic and less
demanding of her. I said "every other day". 3 or 4 times a week.
Both when I said it & when I played it back in my head a few times
over the next few days too.

I did secretly hope she'd say, "no, I couldn't, wouldn't live without
your sex for that long!". But of course that's the lying fantasy of
porn.

She did almost initiate sex the next night, starting me out ahead of
our agreed "quota".

Now it's been two days without, I feel I should downplay it and
pretend it's no big deal. I hope we do it tonight ( as were not doing
it before bedtime ).

She wishes I didn't always choose it over sleep. I understand her
desire for me to be free, but I still wish she'd want it more.

It was truly painful

It hurts, and Making it stop isn't right

Mad yesterday because I didn't get it when expected to.  She didn't
promise, but I'm so inflexible.

Once I miss out on what I expect is coming my way, I get tunnel vision
& keep trying to find a way and time to not miss out.  Waiting til
normal place and time seems like being cheated and as if it's owed to
me.  As if I should swap what I didn't get for something else out of
the ordinary, like sex before bedtime.  I'm keeping count but only of
when I don't get sex, conveniently forgetting or dismissing when I do
get it.

Demanding & not giving or free about it

God, what are you saying?  I wagt to believe you're near.  I want to
sort this with you and not just her, as it's more about my issues.

I see that I need to back off and not demand or push sex .  But h
wanna just go away until she's ready.  I don't want the rest of
mundane life without the sexual connection.  I need to accept it &
engage regardless.  She'd like regular life together, not just when
sex is happening.

Sighhhh

Not On-Demand

Yesterday I watched her get out of the shower and wanter her--right then.  So my mind registered the hours that passed until the kids were finally in bed.  I sat in a chair reading a book as she didn't have any thoughts about sex or us together.  I stewed a bit as time continued to tick away.  Finally it was time for bed, according to our innanely predictable routine.  Was she now too tired for sex?  Had she used up all her energy on the kids, on making supper, on homework, housework and winding down afterward?

No!  Although she came to bed with the same painfully inevitable step by step routine as always (missing the chance to come to bed dressed differently, missing a chance to kiss me anywhere else, missing a chance to say anything sexy before we were in the exact same position as always, looking at each other face to face as always with the same background).  Instead of taking her queues that she was interested in sex and enjoying it (glass full!) I couldn't get past what else I wanted (glass not full).  My mind started wandering to how our kisses are the same, our carresses haven't changed.  I thought how great it'd be to be somewhere else.  I wasn't fantasising about being with anyone else, but with her SOMEWHERE ELSE!  I also considered how she'd not see the point.  I realized making too much out of the external would only make things awkward and harder for her to get into the zone and for us to connect (which is the real source of fresh and amazing and satisfying sex!).  So I knew enough to know I was wrong.  I was annoyed that I'd had to wait this long and so was wanting more of something else.  As if I should be able to have it jus because I thought of it.  (like with porn). 

I was able to remember that the way I talked about these ideas was important.  Could I suggest something different without being really demanding?  I tried it by suggesting that we should have a day together without the kids.  I said, "What could we do that we've not done before (but of course she wasn't thinking of sex).  I said I could leave it for her to think of something original, a different way we could make love, but that wouldn't work (ouch, that's not positive).  She immediately picked up on this saying, "You're not complaining, though?".   My next point is that I could think of something but she might not like it, so therefore we should talk about it.  But she didn't want to.  Probably giving off those vibes, me.

She's not there just to satisfy my every whim and fancy.  She's sometimes tired, sometimes bored, sometimes interested in other things.  The sexy ways that I found and flocked to over the years of porn (guestures, postures, stripteases, surprising bold initiatives) are not her.

Lots of things that would really turn me on don't turn her on.  She might go along with something, if I spell it out and ask her and explain it to her.  But good chance it wont work, she won't pull it off, or wont't get into it.  The most important part of these fantasies and scenarios and ideas is for her TO WANT TO. 

Sigh....  Based on what's happened over the last few years, I'll continue to get used to what I have and get over what I don't have.  Little by little my fantasy world of unrealistic requests and enending hopes is dying a death.

Dialing down the desire

What sucks is when I think about getting some, then I don't.

If I imagine it, then I have to wait (not easy) and I have to accept that it might not happen (grrr).

With porn it was imagine it then enjoy gettin' it.

That ticks me off.

If I can stop getting so worked up, that'll help the process of dealing with not getting any (or at least maybe not getting it).