Good and Bad

Good:

It's been a long time since I've posted, meaning a long time since I've had a shitty stretch.

I can look at her rear and not get innapropriately turned on "automatically".

I can see that being angry is counterproductive and only makes everything worse.

I don't REALLY expect her to screw me, even after a shitty night's sleep.

I realize that screwing me isn't what it's all about. Feeling accepted & loved is it.

BAD:

I still wish she'd screw me.
I still want to feel accepted & loved--more than I get from normal life.
I still stumble with the big "M" even when so many things are so much better.
I still struggle with us not making love, especially when I expected that we would.
I still want a hug but am still not hugging her.

So tonight I've already committed myself to us not making love because she's going out & will be home late. Problem is she didn't feel like it last night either--which was a tough surprise to take--just tough enough to fuck up me sleeping at all last night. So none last night, none tonight, and I'm very tired on top of those.