Down the Rabbit Hole

Okay, let's just think this thru. IF I DID give myself over to this fantasy world. Let's just see what I would get (rather than always focusing on what I'm loosing by giving it up):

FOR
lots (not endless) of sounds & images, still and moving of sexual esctasy (rears, stripteases, bjs and orgasms).

AGAINST
dissapearing down the rabbit hole of self-gratification will ulitmately cost me my career, money, my real sexlife, wife & kids.

Hmmm. So I've turned to this drug because I didn't know who I was or whether I was alone. I didn't know if I was loved or loveable and now that I have a loving family (yes, you are loved, yes you are lovable!), I'm at risk of losing it all because I sometimes prefer the drug to the reality that the drug was attempting (unsucessfully) to compensate for and replace!

I can't have the best of both worlds:

1) my real life: career, family and awesome real-sex
2) and the fantasy world where I can make Her feel ecstacy and orgasmic whenever I want to, no tiredness or bad moods or muenstration or distractions like children or friends

Progress.....?...!!!!!

Last night I had a chance for an easy orgasm. She didn't mind, but she was too tired to bother engaging. The thing that went through my head as I turned over in anger is that her period is due, so that was the last chance for a while (a week is a long time to me now). Of course, in a fantasy world women don't spend 1/4th of their month with a period.

So I did a good thing, I made a good choice. I slept okay too. But I woke up pissed at her. The thing going through my head the last time she said no is that this fantasy is dying. So this morning when I couldn't walk past her without brushing against her as she bent over, I thought, "She'll never bend over seductively, she'll never enjoy it that way half as much as I do." The idea of her screaming out in esctacy just ain't gonna happen like that. Shit. Shit. Shit.

NEVER!

That hurts. Last weekend I was pissed but thinking that I don't really have any choice. I can't live in a fantasy land with my escapes from reality. I need to make a living & be here for my family. (There are other reasons, I sense). I can't pretend or hope that the fantasy world will do it for me anymore. That shit screws up my real world.

Last weekend I was feeling like I wasn't interested in being a dad. It's all about giving to them. Doing what they wanted, going where they wanted to go. She seems happy, not really wanting anything else. Then there's me. I wanted my real life to work like a fantasy life. I saw that whether we had the kids or not, she wouldn't become my fantasy. She wouldn't screw me passionately in the light of day, outside the usual parameters regardless.

I just gotta give up and deal with it when I'm horny and don't get any. I've just gotta get pissed then move on when she bends over and I'm reminded that it's never gonna be a come-on when she does that.

Sigh....

I think I'm getting used to sex less. Not enjoying the idea or reality of it, but "coming 'round".

I'm thinking about how my wife and I are giving time to our children and others, and feeling jeaulous that we're not giving that kinda energy and creativity and priority to ourselves.

But if we didn't have kids, friends.... She wouldn't be lavishing that extra time/energy on me (definitely not sexually).

Sigh! This process is just accepting one reality (and losing one fantasy) after another....

Anger and Resentment

Poking 'round some websites for old school acquaintences, I notice as my memory is piqued, so are some strong emotions.

I am hesitant about getting in touch with any old classmates, mostly because I don't know how I may have treated people. I might have been mean to people who were less attractive than myself. I might have been bitter and angry toward those more popular than me.

I hear very judgemental and shallow stuff going through my head.

Was I a douche?

I can remember a teacher commenting on a bit of writing I did. She pointed out that I came across angry/sarcastic or negative. Hmmm..

What could I have possibly been angry about?
That no one in my life seemed to care or notice me and my struggles?!
That I had to go through teenage years essentially fatherless?!!
That I've built up all the idiotic ways of coping with problems that leave me isolated and burdened with more--and larger--problems!!!

Don't I get a Coin?

If I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, wouldn't I get a coin or something for being "sober" fore mor than 90 days.

I think I'll give myself a virtual one here.

Fear?

I'm finding it hard to get motivated at work. I know my mood and strength to fight the battle of identity and acceptance and purpose is helped by me doing "a good days' work", but I'm feeling hopeless sometimes.

what's the point?

I used to be motivated by the chance to get approval and affirmation. Now I'm seeing that's no reason to work and not a healthy expectation. But what's left?

"Curiously, although money doesn't buy happiness, happiness can buy money. Young people who describe themselves as happy typically earn higher incomes, years later, than those who said they were unhappy. It seems that a sense of well-being can make you more productive and more likely to show initiative and other traits that lead to a higher income." from NewsWeek.

Letting Her Be Her

I'd love to be able to sweep her off her feet. I'd love to be able to break her our of her routine. But she's a person of great structure and she's grown very comfortable with her routines.

It'd be so much fun to shake it up. Swap thing 'round.

But she doesn't want to.

Sighhhhh.

78 Days and Counting...

So I'm approaching 3 months "clean". Again.... It's been loads easier, easier than ever before.

Getting more stuck-in at work has helped more than I can say. But after a shitty night sleep, I am finding it hard to dive into work. I keep wanting to turn to something easier. Something that I can consume rather than engage and give to. Hmmmmm.....

think and feel thru the pain

I just got back from lunch. I was cheezed that I had to roll over dissatisfied last night (not irate, not seething, just peeved). But I slept shitty. I woke up annoyed (rather than insensed).

Had the car and found myself "treating" myself to a KFC at lunchtime rather than eating the sandwich I'd made. So I reward myself for having not slept well with a less-than healthy meal.




Health check:
not sleeping well: bad

eating junk food: bad

This is that 11 year old "self parenting" again. That's not decision-making that would stand up to the scrutiny of discussion and opennness (It's my secret, which kinda gives me a buzz, at least I feel in control of something!).

It seems such a shock and so unfair to not get an orgasm, not get sleep, and say no to myself about a nice lunch as well!

But looking at this while refusing to ignore consequenses of my actions means a different thing altogether. I'm over forty. I gotta think about my health. If I choose to punish my body with junk food every time I don't sleep well, I'll likely suffer more health problems in time!

So do I want to give myself a treat at the cost of some fat in my diet? Do I want to self-medicate even when considering the long-term effects? (gaining weight)

This needs some thought, I need to be "in my right head" next time I sleep shitty.

I've been thinking lately how much I gravitate towards rules and policies and legalistic ways in silly stuff in my life. Mealtime with kids. Do I really think I can setup some rules and then walk away and not need to hassle with conflict and avoid any frustrations?