Pep Talk

Is my addiction another part of me?  So many of us refer to 'our addict' as a separate identity, a personified part of our personality.  Is it my inner child that needs to be loved and healed?  Or is it a demonic possession that needs to be rejected and ejected?

I definitely am learning that I need to keep practicing self-kindness and I seem to have a blindspot preventing the good in me, the idea that I am truly loved, it can't seem to get into my heart.  My Ego knows to try to grab affirmation and the shallowness associated with love.  It's my default, and the spiritual program of action is digging a new trench.  What Ego yearns for is empty and never satisfies.  Taking my focus from the lifelong paths and longworn methods of comfort and escape is scary and painful.   It hurts as it's letting go, maybe killing the hope of eternally living in the fantasy of something that I never really had in the past:  never-ending youth.


So, let's practice writing some of the stuff about myself like I'd encourage anyone else to say about themself:

Yes, you feel loss, but you are still in the fight, and you're about to get your 18 month sobriety chip!

Yes, you are still working to accept life as it is, but you don't have to accept the imagined next month or next year or next decade yet.  You only need the nourishment and resources today for today.  Tomorrow will be taken care of when tomorrow becomes 'today'.

Yes, you are helping others, listening, caring, understanding and making a difference.

Yes, you are realising that you are loved.  As you allow the lie that you 'need sex' to be put aside, it makes room for God to bring healing.  On the other side of the pain, on the other side of the healing tears and fear-facing courage is some more freedom, a step in the direction of living in a new and better way, 

You are doing a good job of working to rely on Him, asking for His help, expecting it and trusting. Forget perfection, you are doing fine, you are doing well, you are doing great.

Emotions will go up, they will go down.  You will live, you will die.  You've decided it's better to accept the less-than-ideal today, fact the imperfection of tomorrow, but truly live.  Better to live today in a world that's not a fantasy, than miss out as more real life passes by.  Ageing has meant some things have gotten worse, but isn't it better to be here now than not?

True impact of Porn

She is tired and doesn't have the energy to talk and connect (a prerequisite for sex).  I feel angry or resentful, and continue to do so the next morning.  I've brainwashed myself using porn.  Now I think she should always be there, ready 'on tap', willing and enthusiastically keen.  Porn takes the male perspective of always horny, ready in seconds, stimulated by a little visuals.  Then it portrays women that way.  Well it used to, back in the 80's when I was formative and consuming it a lot.  So I've programmed myself to see it as default and normal for us to start sex for no reason, with no real preamble.  I've focused on the physical and obsessed with the orgasm.

I pray that my brain will be mouldable again, this time to see her as her own self, with different turn-ons, and especially for me to see her as more than just sexual.  Praying isn't enough.  I need to talk to people about this, I need to write about this, reflect on it and keep doing my meditations.

The characters on Brooklyn 99 joke about porn in a way that trivialises, normalises it and ultimately endorses it.  Cool-cool-cool-cool-cool-cool.

Creating for who

I think creativity, expressiveness, is good for our mental health.  Making something is therapeutic.  It doesn't need an audience, it doesn't need to be showcased.  It's the making that's important, not the viewing.  It's the creating that counts, not the displaying.

But we all want our creations to be appreciated.  We put a little of ourselves into them and we hope someone appreciates our work (our self).  Creating is a good quiet and thoughtful activity, like a meditation.  We would do well to focus on the benefits of the process (concentration, developing skills, expressing something intangible) and de-emphasizing the end result, and especially how it will be received by others.

Our desperation for love and acceptance and to 'be known' tugs us toward obsessing on how our work (our self!) will be received.  We can easily fantasise about wowing people, about bowling them over, adoration and fame!

So I'm saying art is primarily for the artist, there's more than enough benefits in creating for the creator, with no need for acknowledgement or appreciation.  Yet people are elevated by art created by others.  We all want our art to help others as much as it can help us, and sometimes it does help them.  But we should be able to separate the audience from the artist and value art for the good it does to it's creator (when in her workshop, working in solitude and quiet concentration) without needing it to then be displayed in public, bought by an aficionado, or appreciated by the like-minded..

seeing beyond now

Learning concepts of a different alternative recovery support group to the popular 12 steps, I've been shown to think of short term perspective versus long term view.

This seems relevant to my blindspot, my mental insanity, the hole in my soul.

I can't seem to choose the long-term benefit of better relationship with my Ever Loving Bride and benefit of a clean conscience when faced with a right-now pleasure.  Why is sexual stimulation more important than being able to look her in the eyes peacefully?  Why does an orgasm right now always win over everything else?

Impulsivity, as shown on Russell Brand's documentary on addiction, is part of the problem.

I had a positive 'ah-ha' moment yesterday.  I was feeling blah and down and of course my mind labeled it all as result of not getting sex; counting how long since we've had 'good' sex.  Then I thought about how true it is that my addiction isn't really about sex.  It's about emptiness or lack or isolation.  That must mean the sad feeling I was attributing to missing a chance for sex really was about something deeper.  But it wasn't about sex.  I guess it's another way of saying, 'This, the sex you are obsessing about, isn't really what you need', which was my mantra for whenever I saw a young female form and was drawn to stare or inhale it spiritually.