the pain, the pain

What's so gutting about "No"?

It's easier to forget about how long it's been since last time, especially after a week out of the country.

But even if I'm the one who says, "Let's just go to sleep", something inside me cries out in pain when she replies "okay".

I hear "No"
I hear "I don't want you"

When this happened the other night, I fell asleep saying "let go, let go, let go" but woke feeling angry and with my head spinning of all kinds of crap. I'd really like to let go completely, but just don't know how.

I know she loves me and wants me, so why does it hurt so much when she says no to sex?

Wish Wish Wish

I keep hearing myself thinking, "I wish.." and it's always things that I can't have. I wish she would do things that help me to feel loved, feel good.

It's one day after my last post. I wasn't quite moping as much by noon as I was in the morning. I was a bit better by the evening. But I was quiet and distant. It was a protest for the fact that we hadn't made love the night before, plus a "low" because of how illogical and counterproductive that actually is. I wasn't as mad at her. I didn't actually think my strop would manipulate her to be drawn to me. Instead it was more like, "Fine, you don't want me, I don't need you either". "You don't want to give me what I want, I don't have to give you what you want". I tried to snap out of it, but couldn't.

At least I knew this was stupid enough to not try for sex that night. I made the bold move of saying "good night" thus releasing her from any further demands to talk and talk and talk or even fuck. Weird how right before that moment I was drifting to sleep, pretty relaxed. But when I said good night, and she said the same, I just started feeling so angry. I guess I was really "wishing" she'd say, "good night, but before we go to sleep, I'd really like to satisfy you!" or "Please don't go to sleep just yet, I so want you, I so need you, ". Then I dredge up how many different times and ways she doesn't want me sexually. I feel like our lovelife is a tiny little shrinking box. But I know that's bullshit and that if she'd do a bit more the never-satisfied addiciton would then demand something else or some more.

I decided to say, "good night", it was really tough, and I wished there was another way. I did the same thing again just now emailing her saying, "let's decide right here and now that we're not gonna make love tonight". That was so difficult. As a result, I'm feeling sad and cross even now. I have to sleep without the chemical buzz of an orgasm. I have to roll over and not let anger blow my sleeping fuse.

I SO WISHED she'd say something, anything... other than, "okay". She's off the hook from having the pressure to help me sleep. It only would work if she wanted it. It's no good to ask or demand or need. I SO WISH that she would want what I want. I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH. but I want to be free

"No" yesterday, "No" today

So I was in a mood yesterday & last night. She didn't wanna do it the night before. I know it's silly and counterproductive. I'm stuck in the place of a stroppy teenager or eleven year old. We talked and talked and that was good, but, of course, by the end of it all too tired to do it again. Damn! Woke up pissed off AGAIN. It's a day off and a "family day" which is all about the kids. I'm feeling left out and selfish. I'm avoiding her and giving her the cold shoulder.

I'm not supposed to feel gutted when she doesn't want me sexually. I'm supposed to feel good from other things like talking or hanging out together.


Fuck this!


Guess I better do downstairs and do something "in the opposite spirit". Shit. I just want to be asleep (escape).