So I'm still disappointed and angry that I am not in control, can't get what I want when I want it.
The circumstances are worse, thanks to her menopause and related reduced interest in sex. At the same time I'm less able to get turned on just by the visual stimulation. Is it from my stumble into porn recently? Is it her weight gain (also related to menopause)? Either way, instead of feeling like less a man by not being able to "perform" (or by not being able to "finish" and find my physical satisfaction), instead I'm letting go and accepting that we won't be doing it as often. It's great to have a better perspective. But after a few nights of no sex and not very good sleep, I'm not in a very good place today. Still, that's just emotions. Remember to stay pointing into them, like a ship into a storm. It's counter-intuitive, but remember that these feelings will pass quicker if I stick with 'em.
Sometimes I'm impressed with myself and thankful for the new found freedom, or at least ease. But it's not that easy or that consistent.
My inner monologue, self-talk is better. I hear myself saying, "don't expect her to do everything (like in porn). Of course she's not likely to make love tonight, not if you stay in your crappy mood and childish sulk!
I'm very aware of thin females and womanly curves, but I know that real satisfaction doesn't come from the visual aspect but the spiritual or at least emotional connection. What I enjoy most is her being turned on and satisfied. I can't create that by pursuing the signs of passion like spontaneity. I used to think that if she agreed to make love at a different time or place, or wearing something sexy, then that would either bring or show real passion. But that's a symptom of passion, not the cause of it. Besides it's a bit Hollywood/fantasy, not what we find in our real life relationship. Better to forget about those external things and go for the heart of the matter: connection. Real emotional connection. Honesty, vulnerability, real listening, real caring. Those things that she responds to are more wholesome and worthwhile in the long run, and they are what really turns her on as well.
