One Phrase

I was running and He dropped another thought into my head.  It was, "It's only pain".

I know God is good and He is always encouraging (even if he confronts or rebukes or challenges--it's ultimately for good--which is loving and encouraging).   So He didn't say this to me a few years ago when I might have heard it from a perspective of "your experience doesn't matter".  Or "you are not handling it correctly"

No, "It's only pain" is within things like, "You can do this!"  and "I believe in you"  It's not bigger than you.  Don't believe the enemies' lie that pain is this impossibly large and hugley immovable monster that you've never faced.

Like Rocky against Mr. T.  You're all, like "Come on and hit me, is that all you have?!!"

Worship the Worthy

My first counselor who tried to help me with my sex addiction said, when pushed, that he thought the condition was, on one level, idolatry.  That makes sense.  Any addiction is putting something, something that might not be bad in and of itself, in the place too high and too important--where really only God should be.

To Be Worshipped
But sex addiction touches on other imagery relating to worship.  The fantasy of Her wanting you, so much that she doesn't care who sees you do it.  Her not being able to stop herself, that sounds like someone worshipping you.  Her on her knees beholding your glory, seems very worshipful.  Wasn't that Lucifer's sin, to want to be worshipped?  Pride is our insecurity overcompensating.  I fear deep down that I'm a fraud, worthless and about to be found out and exposed at any moment.  To come back hard and strong in the opposite way is saying, "Look at me roar, I am a God!"  The truth is that we don't need to be ashamed.  He has given us value and there's nothing to be afraid, not least the lair of liars who tries to trick us into falling for the shame game.

Worshipping Her
I think I've written before about the image of the perfect woman, the Venus, the perfect beauty, perfect sensual creature. That's worshipping the female form, rather than the creative Creator and talented artist who sculpted her.  That's another easy mistake we can make.  Worshipping the awesome sunset or sunrise, instead of Him who crafted those things.  The crowning glory of all His creation is you--the one with the ability to think for yourself, choose whether to relate to Him or not, as well as make your own awesome creations.  I have wondered for a while why the traditional marriage vows say, "with my body I worship thee".  How's that fit in all this?

My Childhood Sex Fantasy Songs

Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC

Rock and Roll Fantasy, Bad Company

Top Rough Boy, ZZ Top

Don't say a word, my virgin child

"spread your wings and let me come inside!"

Bob Seger, Night Moves

"She had points of her own, sittin; way up high.."

"I used her, she used me, neither one cared."

Counting Clean

since my last slip into masturbating, which was December 1st, 2017.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

2nd try:

August 2019 was my last slip into looking at any porn.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

So, I've slipped again.

So, I've slipped again.  Maybe it's the normal but difficult changes in our family dynamics (the effect on her, the effect on me, the effect on us).  Maybe it's something else.
Each time I slip, I find it harder than it's been in a long time to not slip again the next few weeks.  Is that a good enough reason to stay away?  No.  I miss the beautiful young firm sexy female shapes of porn.  I struggle bouncing my eyes away from them at work, I am disappointed in how time is taking a toll with Her body (though mine isn't great either).

The other night, when she'd turned me away without sex, I was struggling and feeling angry and couldn't relax to get to sleep.  I said to myself, "I'm tired of being ruled by this".  I thought I wanted to be able to be happy with or without sex.

Was that an important moment?  I hope so.

assessing 2 orgasms

I'm really horny and angry that she said no to a chance to make love.  I think about masturbating.  Worth remembering the times I did that and didn't feel any better afterward.  I felt worse and ashamed and a bigger gap between us, but no improvement or benefit.  It's just watching porn and the excitement and buzz and build-up of finding the stuff that is a strange kind of twisted enjoyment.  When I think about it, the orgasm doesn't offer much during masturbation.   I think the physical release of pressure of the orgasm is outweighed by the guilt and distance that I feel immediately. In real sex sometimes the orgasm isn't 100 times better than any other aspect of making love, but it's often the crowning glory, the climactic pinnacle (helped by there being no guilt and multiplied when you can enjoy giving your partner an orgasm too!).


With real sex, it's all great.  The build up, the journey, getting there, as well as the pay-off and destination.  I get to enjoy my great feelings, but even better is enjoying her enjoyment.  But with masturbation it's solitary guilt conflicted physical pleasure mixed and diluted in  the stream of negative stuff.  Starting out mediocre and bad with a little enjoyment scattered along the way, building toward a pay off of disappointment and self loathing.  Stopping to think about it:  would I choose those bad feelings over the pain that they're replacing? 

What did the singer songwriter Samantha Murphy say in an interview about giving up smoking, "I had to accept being ready to just sit and feel pain before I could every give up cigarettes." It's like that.  I need to just feel the anger, disappointment, pain.  It's more than just not getting sex, it's changing the automatic patterns (manually, one experience after another) and resetting the cycle so anger doesn't have to lead to temptation and expectation of sexual gratification.

If I masturbated about twice a day from 12 until 32 (sometimes more, sometimes less), then I've dug deep furrows of this action/response/reinforcement, well over 7 thousand times.  I wonder how many times I've chose to do the right thing and respond to pain (sadness, boredom, etc.) smarter?  I've masturbated a few times a year for the last few years.  Maybe I've chosen to go against the grain and fought against the tide a thousand times.   Who knows.

Control and Real Love

I am used to being in control of my orgasms, and I bought the lie from porn that I can be in control while she still "wants" it.  So I'm angry that I can't be in control of my orgasms and that she won't want to do it if I'm not letting go of control.

Maybe it's like us choosing to love God.  If He was in control and made us love/obey Him, it wouldn't mean anything, we'd be like robots.  So it'd be pointless love/obedience/relationship.  But for it to mean something, He chose to let us choose.  The good news is that when we choose right, choose Him, it's sweet and meaningful.  The flipside is that sometimes we take advantage of that free will and don't choose Him.  That makes the good meaningful, but it brings bad into the whole scenario.

The only way I can enjoy her really wanting to make love is by letting go and giving her the freedom to say no to sex.  Letting her off the hook of anger and disapproval for when she doesn't want it will actually ultimately bring me what I really do want--which is her really wanting to make love to me.  Of course it's not like in porn.  I'm not in control of when.  It's not all the time.  It's not always great.  But it's real and it's the way it's really supposed to be.

Some Questions To Get Somewhere

I often feel like my battle is going nowhere, or maybe just a small circle.

Here's some questions I would have liked to have been asked to break out of the cycle:

1) what will you miss about porn/masturbation most (just name 3 things, don't dwell too long).

2) what will you be glad of, and enjoy most when you are free from porn/masturbation?

Here's some I thought of:

Won't it be nice when you can have a cuddle and give your beloved some affection without it NEEDING to lead to sex? 

Won't it be nice when you don't have to spend all day worrying and trying to guess whether you'll get sex that night? 

Won't it be a breath of fresh air to relax knowing you can just go to sleep without feeling you need an orgasm?

Won't it be nice when sex is more about giving and less about your insatiable unquenchable needs?

Ah Ha Moment

The idea isn't the revelation.  Maybe the idea combined with a spiritual or emotional "kick".  I was troubled by my pain and demons, wishing I could have what I shouldn't, when I suddenly found this thought land in my head as if I looked down to see a surprise present had landed in my lap:

"I can be thankful for what I have instead of being heartbroken about what I want and can't have.

I was mulling over how much I miss visual sensual stimulus and thinking there's no way to get what I'm used, to what I crave, the amount I desire.  This is 'cause I've raised my appetite and expectations hugely through a few decades of porn.

It's good to work on the discipline of "bouncing your eyes" (see book Every Man's Battle) but it's equally important to  adjust your expectations and let die your desire which will never be met.  Taking up your Cross is painful, putting it to death the old self means tears and sleeplessness.  But a free life is worth it.  I am still behind many clouds, but I'm not fighting this for nothing.

Substitute

Some substitutions I've done for so long I don't even realize it anymore.  Substituting sexual gratification for love, substitution orgasm for boredom or sadness.

Now I'm craving being wanted.  I'm imagining her wanting to be affectionate and wanting my touch and my body.  But if it doesn't happen, I'll substitute sexual gratification in its place.  Thing is, it doesn't satisfy, so I'll still be craving.  Only difference is I'll have reinforced choosing unhelpfully, again.  And I might feel guilty or disappointed in myself.  So this is the cycle of addictive behavior.  You want something, you choose wrong, so you've made yourself feel worse, which drives you to choosing poorly again, and it gets stronger and more difficult.

It's the thing that makes us human that means we can break the cycle.  Our animal drives, lower impulses are where the addiction lives.  But our higher awareness and attitude and convictions can win. They can be even stronger than the base drives.  It's a battle, it's not easy.  We never win at each battle, but we can win the war.  We are so strong and so determined.  The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak, but the human heart can prevail!

So now I need to make a conscious decision to substitute what I naturally am drawn to, what I automatically want.  I want to reprogram myself, one decision at a time, to substitute orgasm for feeling the pain.  Instead of the buzz of an enticing image of female beauty, I have to leave that where it is and instead pursue a creative activity that takes effort and feels good in a much subtler and less tangible way.  I have to think about doing what's right at a time when I'm thinking least clearly.  I want to be open to His help when I am least interested in letting Him in.

Not about sex or lust

But writing and praying in this way is what I need right now, and it's probably all connected in some way anyway.

I am feeling mad.  I'm feeling angry that I'm being told to do stuff at work that I don't want to do.  I'm cross that after over a decade in this job I still have to do this kind of menial and basic task.

On one hand I'm feeling I shouldn't be having an attitude that I'm "above" certain work.  I want to live at work like I do at church (and hopefully like I do at home).  I want to serve like Jesus did and I want to be an example of being a good team player.  As I was on my way home from work today (where this all came up and I got SO ANGRY!) I thought, maybe I'm being too hard on myself (I usually am).  Maybe I'm blaming myself when there's other things going on as well (I often do).  But I don't know what else may be going on--that's as far as I got.

I do think it's ok to have a vision to do more interesting things.  I think it's a good skill to be able to successfully delegate and the thought that I'm not doing this as well as I'd like to compounds my frustration of feeling like"the bottom of the pile" here.

Father, what do you want me to do?  What are you saying to me here?

I give to you my attitude here. I want to be healed of my brokenness and I let you in to my mess. I want to know where I'm wrong and I am open to you convicting me and challenging me.  I am keen to repent and I don't want to avoid Godly sorry.  I accept the pain that comes with dying to my selfishness, please help me as I need your strength and your heart.  Thank you that it's ok to be broken and thank you that you want to be with me in this.