Putting the cart before the Horse

Buying her sexy underwear, a frilly skirt or a something similar, is a great way to celebrate her femininity, but just because she wears it doesn't mean she's suddenly interested in sex with me. It's like saying that all horses are animals, but not all animals are horses. She may put on something sexy to say she's interested, but she may put on something sexy for a dozen other reasons. It's a fantasy for her to come to me with her sexy choice of clothes as a signal and message giving me the green light and assuring me that she wants me. But in reality she never knows whether she's going to want me until we've gone through that slow and unpredictable process of communicating. It's silly manipulation to think that because I've got her to put on something sexy that she'll therefore automatically want sex. When I see an image of a girl in a short skit it says to me "sex". When I catch an image out of the corner of my eye of a billboard or magazine with a girl in a frilly bra, I see it as someone who is sexually ripe. In reality there are women waiting at bus stops in skirts and nylons who are also on their period. My partner wears underwear without a thought of sex.

In my fantasy her clothes are a shiny sparkly wrapper for sex. The frills and lace say, "look at me". The way the wind catches under her skirt says, "look!" The way the material cradles and caresses her curves says, "Here I am, ready and waiting for you". But in reality her body is just part of her. Her sexuality isn't as important as the fact that she has a cold or is tired or needs some space. I just want that orgasm, but sometimes I need to do without and listen to her and carry her burden.

How many times?!!

How many times will I have to say to her (to me) that I she doesn't need to give me sex?!! How many times will I have to say, "I don't need an orgasm" (when will it just be true and not need to be a statement of faith and intention and will?

I don't want our sex life to replace my addiction and never ending lust for more and more and more.

I keep saying I don't actually need it, but through gritted teeth and with much anger.

So much, so much

So, sometimes the best medicine for a little depression is some serious pressure and a big challenge.  I'd not realised I'd been mildly depressed, but now I can see that heavy low wave dread and occasional thought of hopelessness was just that.  I've thrown myself "off the deep end" with an exciting, risky, terribly important (temporary) responsibility.  It's revived and inspired me.  It's sent me to God in worship (me?) and prayer.  I've found myself leaning on Him and believing He's spoken to me with Bible verses.  It's challenged my weaknesses and strengthened my relationship with Him.

It's put sex into perspective as well (not completely or awalys, of course).  My occasional days when I've felt wronged for not getting an expected sessoin of sex hasn't been able to be my obsession.  To much to do, too much to think about.  Other things are more important!  Hey, maybe it's okay for sex to not be the everything of everything.

Still, <confession> I did want and expect sex last night even though we were both very tired and our minds were kinda elsewhere.  The free-est thing would have been to say, "We're just not there tonight are we?"  But I wanted that sweet crack that is a sleep inducing and 100% relaxing and mind blowing orgasm.  Oddly, there are orgasms and orgasms and this one wasn't really mind-blowing.</confession>  God is good, He's still working on me.  The verse that says, "He will perfect the thing concerning you" used to assure me that He'd make me perfect one day.  Now I read that and see that it's reassuring me to forget about being perfect, as He'll still be working on me when Jesus comes back!

I had one of those conversations where I said to her "I don't need sex!" which really hurts to admit and say.  But our sexlife seems to improve afterward rather than diminish.

Imrpovement!

I blogged that it was hard to get motivated at work.

Getting better. Weird how sometimes taking on more, energizes you and gives you motivation to do more.  Whereas you feel tired and do less, and feel less energy.  Entropy isn't solved by rest.  Energy can be found by taking on more (if it's the right things).

passionate guesture

Do you ever use sex to fill your need left by M and porn? I am ashamed to admit it, but yes I do. Sometimes sex is great and it's lovemaking and it's all that it can be and should be. But other times it's my fix and it relaxes me and helps me sleep and it quietens my "demons" for a time.

Last night we were arguing and she verbalized how she feels pressured by my suggestions for entertaining friends too much, not giving her enough space. Then she said something like, "but you'll still want to make love" (as if being tired from having a houseful of people will somehow make me less interested in sex when we finally do make it to bed).

So, it didn't come out of the best place, but I said something I've thought about for a long time. It's about a short time of celibacy. Oo0h how I've stayed away from that word.

1 Cor 7 "Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

But my feelings are, like, "Hey, I'm white-knuckling-it here!" So we argued most of last night, not really about sex at all. She suggested the length of time I pronounced is too long. Need to take baby-steps. But that just sounded to me like she doesn't have faith and confidence in me. Pisses me off to think how easy it will be for her and how she'll breathe a sigh of relief from the hassle and pressure of my sexual advances. That brings home the problem near its' core--I want her to want me. I want to want it and need it and get it without any guilt or negative effects.

It's something I want to do for spiritual reasons, and I'll definitely be praying through this time.
Okay, I thought I missed something in my spontaneous passionate symbolic sweeping decision. It needs to be from mutual consent. Besides, I was very angry when I made the decision and need to check my motives.

A very big challenge may well be me not being distant and aloof. Every time I come home when I feel wronged and cheated of an orgasm, I find myself wanting to subtely let her know of my dissaproval by busying myself somehow. I'm too tortured or angry to just hang out and talk to her freely.

In a way I feel like I just wanna curl up somewhere & sleep (sweet escape, at least I'm not finding myself saying I just wanna masturbate).

I want to see some improvement here.

Freedom is the goal.

another layer of anger

So work is something I've written about a few times before. I am finding it hard to get motivated. I feel the hopelessness and I feel left out. I have very little motivation and the smallest challenges seem too much.

But it's my bitter attitude toward others who do well that really bothers me. Is this a bitterness that's always been covered by my drug until now?

It's like going back to school and being afraid of competition, doubting myself and wanting to withdraw in the face of challenges. Strange thing is I've faced and overcome many many professional challenges while I had M$ as a crutch, so it's not like I this makes sense.

I'm not a loner with no one who cares. I don't need to be jealous of everyone who seems to be part of something. I'm part of something too. I've got a God who is loving me and helping me. I have a beautiful partner who's committed herself to me for life. I have worked and been blessed to have earned a good position of respect and expertise in my career.