So, I can feel angry, sad, distant and morbid without really facing what it's about, and miss out on moving forward.
As she is less interested in sex, it's bothering me that this looks to only get worse. As we both age, it's not gonna get better. As we both put on weight, my mental images of what's a turn-on, built up over decades of consuming porn gets further and further away from each other.
She's going through 'the change' which often is associated with loss of interest in sex. I've not been able to face that yet. But it's time. I'm not going to 'trade her in'. But I do fantasize, or at least imagine, someone thinner, someone toned, someone younger intertwined with me. Sigh..... Who can I talk to about this? Who in my faith tradition will listen and understand? Who has time for my brokenness? I can imagine a conversation in my head, even put a face on the listener of my choosing. But I can make it a prayer and know I'm inviting Him to listen and speak and help. It's not easy, prayer never has been.
Me: The only thing making me angrier than her rolls of fat, her big middle, her burping and snoring.... Is, my even larger frame and scarily fatness. Yes, I fart, but isn't she supposed to be feminine?
Him (counselor mode): Porn has a strong pull to you when you compare her changing body to what you are missing
Me: Yes, I am sad and it hurts to think I will have less and less to enjoy with my eyes that turns me on. I don't know if I should be more attentive to her (try harder) or respect her and love her by just backing off. It's hard to do that without emotionally disconnecting and making it passive aggressive. I want to loose weight, but I'm in a cycle of sadness or distractions of life which stops me changing my eating from one meal to the next.
I guess the right thing is to pursue is real intimacy, treasuring her and valuing her on the inside, focusing there instead of the outside.
