Expecting Too Mutch (but not unaware)

So night before last we had some really good lovin'. Normally I'm fightin' falling asleep afterward, but this time I was rarin' to go again, keen for 2nd time 'round. She said, "let's go to sleep & we can always enjoy each other tomorrow night!". Then she had a shitty day & I don't blame her for not wanting to. But it still pissed me off. I slept fine though, which is nice. I'm trying to act like I'm not angry. Tryin' to not be quiet or distant. Wishin' she'd blow me or just screw me, but really knowin' better than to expect or dwell on it.

Trigger: expecting we'll make love, then we don't--really pisses me off & fucks me up.

I'm not in control, I can't predict. I went Christmas shopping and bought some junk-food, but really wished I could buy some satisfaction. Then I'd be in control  I'd be calling the shots.


We had our youngest's Christmas school play this morning. I often struggle with my emotions at those things. Why do I feel blah, down at them? Is it seeing all the mums and dads and the stark reality of how unromantic and unsexy our lives all are? Is it the fact that the whole show is all about the kids and how focused and excited she is while I've taken time off work, and knowing that she won't "do me" before I go back to work--BUT SHE COULD!

I keep remembering how the big "M" doesn't make these feelings any better. It's nice, but it doesn't actually help all this crap at all. Probably makes it harder to resist next time--so it's worse, not better.

Wonder if we'll Do-It tonight. I'm gonna try to hide my pissed-off-ness, but she's had another busy day and will have a busy evening. So.... it could be another "No" on top of last night. Sigh....