I couldn't believe she'd send me off to Europe without an orgasm. Nevermimd it was only two nights. Once the anger eased after a few hours, I just wanted to sleep. Nope.
In the morning it now seems odd to expect something with so much intensity--but it was real. How many times did I consider waking her? It'd only set a unhelpful precedent, and I had the presence of mind to remember how unsatisfying it is when it's empty and grudgingly given.
Good to have emailed my pastor & stayed off the dodgy websites & tv. Lord knows I was tempted!
So, some good things in the battle & pain.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Trapped
I am off to Europe for three days away for work. I screwed up last night trying to get "easy sex" which left me feeling guilty and her not particularly good. So tonight, why did I come at my hope for sex with a whole new set of expectations? I knew it was my last night for an orgasm for three nights. I said, "we don't HAVE to do it". Yet I still was APPAULED and SHOCKED when she rolled over to go to sleep leaving me hanging. I seethed for a while. I eventually moved on a bit thinking, "what's this like for her' and 'she's not just a sexual being'. But I layed there feeling literally trapped. If I go upstairs to do some work I'll be tempted by Porn on the computer. If I write in this blog downstairs I'll be tempted by the stupid phone sex porn channel on freeview! Damn! I laid there too wired to sleep, wanting to reach over to her and touch her, wanting to go somewhere. Where can I go to get away from this shit that's inside me?
Counseling has shown me that I need to take responsibility. No use blaming her--even if I can come up with a thousand new ways to say it. A new voice in my imagination helps me to pray and consider other perspectives--but this is so fucked up! Oh well, a night with no sleep--it's not the first time. A half a week without sex--happens all the time. Jesus, please help me! Thank you that you are near the broken. Thank you that you are near. Thank you that you give rest to your beloved. Thank you that you are showing me that I don't have to have the stimulus now as there usually is a tomorrow.
Counseling has shown me that I need to take responsibility. No use blaming her--even if I can come up with a thousand new ways to say it. A new voice in my imagination helps me to pray and consider other perspectives--but this is so fucked up! Oh well, a night with no sleep--it's not the first time. A half a week without sex--happens all the time. Jesus, please help me! Thank you that you are near the broken. Thank you that you are near. Thank you that you give rest to your beloved. Thank you that you are showing me that I don't have to have the stimulus now as there usually is a tomorrow.
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