Good, Bad

So sex is about giving, not taking. I was too tired to give (especially by the time we made it to bed). So I said, "maybe we should just go to sleep. That was me being honest and letting her off the hook of making me feel good. But when she said, "ok", I was FURIOUS! I wasn't too sleepy anymore! I was livid!

So she was confused. From her perspective, I said I was too tired, then I got angry when she said, "good night".

I decided to do the selfless thing, hoping she'd do the same. When she didn't, I was livid. But I'd released her and so there was no going back. I was hoping she'd offer to make love to me, but she didn't. She just lay there, free and unhindered. I was jealous of her freedom. I had to go in another room for a while. Shitty night sleep, but at least there was some sleep.

There's no hope wishing I could have sex whenever I want it. I am left no choice but to hope for freedom to cope when I don't get it.

Man enough to be confronted?

Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church preaching on Addiciton

unblemished

My sex drive was created to spur and motivate me to pursue her.

Porn makes me want to do nothing, to be lazy, to expect her to pursue me.

It won't work for me to sit back and as if I'm flicking through a TV remote control, wanting connection or a satisfied wife or fulfilled sexlife!

not so good

Maybe I've just come down from a natural, normal high.

But I was doing fine and everything was cool, then I thought how much we're talking about other people and mundane things and I thought, "I wish she'd spend a fraction of this much energy on pleasing me sexually". That was all it took. Spiral, big time!

I was annoyed and angry for the rest of the night. I tried talking to her about how she is what what she wants, but I really just wanted her to exist for me, specifically, sexually.

So being honest enough to admit how I was feeling brought nothing of any use.

I went to bed angry with her offering a flippant sounding hope that I feel better and that it is prbably "just my emotions".

I reeled and raged, jealous that she's so at peace and no unmoved. I didn't particuarly want sex, I would have accepted that, but I was kinda feeling bored and in a rut. I cried out inside, "Jesus" and eventually had a fitful sleep.

Woke up angry in general, angry at her and others.

How it works, not deciding from the addiction

I heard that addiction was about the way relate, not about sex. I kinda knew this sounded like it made sense, but now I have an example of it.

Just now I realized I had misplaced one of my credit cards. *R$$£^%$^%$!! Anger! Frustration! thoughts like, "Stupid!" float around near my mind, although they've not really been given voice in my head this time.

I immediately think of my partner. She's gonna be angry. dissapointed. She's gonna want to figure out where it is and stop everything to track it down, call and have it canceled. I don't want the grief and I'm too tired to do all that work now. I wanna make this go away. I wanna escape. I don't wanna face it.

But, for some reason.. I did. I told her within 5 minutes of it happening. Amazingly, not really surprisingly, she was great. Not angry. She did suggest the last place I might have used it. Rang them up, and they had it! So, facing the distasteful truth proved to be fine, the best, and surprisingly advantageous! All endings wouldn't be that storybook, but it shows the decision I had to make and how it could have gone wrong so easily. This decision making process is deeply connectected to the addiction & porn.

sleepless night doesn't earn easy sex

Sometimes I can't sleep at night. Sometimes it's linked to not having sex that night. Sometimes the next day I resent not having sex and feeling tired and sleepy all day. But my sleepiness does not create some kind of obligation for me to get sex. It's just another of hundreds of ways for me to want to control getting sex. I see a girl in a skirt at a bus stop and it reminds me of a "street walker". She's a symbol of sex being on tap and something I can purchase. By making it a financial transaction, it means I'm in control.

Real satisfying sex is great, it does make me feel ten feet tall (for a little while). But my hunger for visual stimulation is a completely different thing.

Here's an excerpt from a study of what makes up "ultimate sex":

_________________________________________________________________________

Searching for Great Sex: New Study Explores Optimal Sexuality

Here are the eight components of great sex that the researchers identified after conducing semi-structured interviews with people who identified as having had great sex:

• Being present, focused, and embodied.
• Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch.
• Deep sexual and erotic intimacy.
• Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy.
• Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency.
• Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing.
• Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun.
• Vulnerability and surrender.

http://sexuality.about.com/b/2009/07/08/searching-for-great-sex-new-study-explores-optimal-sexuality.htm

Raw Honesty

I don't want intimacy, not right now.  I just want an orgasm.  Like a candy bar or a good film, I want to enjoy a good splurge.  I just wanna get inside and rub back and forth and feel that mind-blowing high of cumming! 

I am tempted to judge my feelings now, reign it all in and put it in context, explain it and or reprimand myself. 

But I won't.  I'll just let it sit here.  My want.

Do my deepest and darkest secrets make me inherently bad?  Does covering up my secrets really cover up my shame?  What if exposing them actually brings light which shows that I'm actually worth better?

...Mysterious Ways

Noticed a spray of wee on the floor under the urinal. Is that me? I watched next time, and sure enough... It was! Doh, why am I spraying all over the floor?!! What could I be doing wrong?

After a while I noticed there was no similar puddle under the adjacent toilet, so I went to it and found I wasn't leaking there at all!

Why is this worth writing? Well, it shows how quickly I blame myself. I thought there was something wrong with me (this is true on many levels, some very deeply ingraned). It never occurred to me to look at the evidence and think the problem is with the toilet itself.

When I finally tried a different toilet and saw that I didn't spray at all, I was gobsmacked! So, this isn't my fault at all?!!

Maybe I'm not so flawed and broken underneath it all. Maybe I shouldn't blame everything that goes wrong on me so quickly and automatically.

Just might be worth reconsidering the things that God says about who He's created me to be:

"God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking

God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything"

Putting the cart before the Horse

Buying her sexy underwear, a frilly skirt or a something similar, is a great way to celebrate her femininity, but just because she wears it doesn't mean she's suddenly interested in sex with me. It's like saying that all horses are animals, but not all animals are horses. She may put on something sexy to say she's interested, but she may put on something sexy for a dozen other reasons. It's a fantasy for her to come to me with her sexy choice of clothes as a signal and message giving me the green light and assuring me that she wants me. But in reality she never knows whether she's going to want me until we've gone through that slow and unpredictable process of communicating. It's silly manipulation to think that because I've got her to put on something sexy that she'll therefore automatically want sex. When I see an image of a girl in a short skit it says to me "sex". When I catch an image out of the corner of my eye of a billboard or magazine with a girl in a frilly bra, I see it as someone who is sexually ripe. In reality there are women waiting at bus stops in skirts and nylons who are also on their period. My partner wears underwear without a thought of sex.

In my fantasy her clothes are a shiny sparkly wrapper for sex. The frills and lace say, "look at me". The way the wind catches under her skirt says, "look!" The way the material cradles and caresses her curves says, "Here I am, ready and waiting for you". But in reality her body is just part of her. Her sexuality isn't as important as the fact that she has a cold or is tired or needs some space. I just want that orgasm, but sometimes I need to do without and listen to her and carry her burden.

How many times?!!

How many times will I have to say to her (to me) that I she doesn't need to give me sex?!! How many times will I have to say, "I don't need an orgasm" (when will it just be true and not need to be a statement of faith and intention and will?

I don't want our sex life to replace my addiction and never ending lust for more and more and more.

I keep saying I don't actually need it, but through gritted teeth and with much anger.

So much, so much

So, sometimes the best medicine for a little depression is some serious pressure and a big challenge.  I'd not realised I'd been mildly depressed, but now I can see that heavy low wave dread and occasional thought of hopelessness was just that.  I've thrown myself "off the deep end" with an exciting, risky, terribly important (temporary) responsibility.  It's revived and inspired me.  It's sent me to God in worship (me?) and prayer.  I've found myself leaning on Him and believing He's spoken to me with Bible verses.  It's challenged my weaknesses and strengthened my relationship with Him.

It's put sex into perspective as well (not completely or awalys, of course).  My occasional days when I've felt wronged for not getting an expected sessoin of sex hasn't been able to be my obsession.  To much to do, too much to think about.  Other things are more important!  Hey, maybe it's okay for sex to not be the everything of everything.

Still, <confession> I did want and expect sex last night even though we were both very tired and our minds were kinda elsewhere.  The free-est thing would have been to say, "We're just not there tonight are we?"  But I wanted that sweet crack that is a sleep inducing and 100% relaxing and mind blowing orgasm.  Oddly, there are orgasms and orgasms and this one wasn't really mind-blowing.</confession>  God is good, He's still working on me.  The verse that says, "He will perfect the thing concerning you" used to assure me that He'd make me perfect one day.  Now I read that and see that it's reassuring me to forget about being perfect, as He'll still be working on me when Jesus comes back!

I had one of those conversations where I said to her "I don't need sex!" which really hurts to admit and say.  But our sexlife seems to improve afterward rather than diminish.

Imrpovement!

I blogged that it was hard to get motivated at work.

Getting better. Weird how sometimes taking on more, energizes you and gives you motivation to do more.  Whereas you feel tired and do less, and feel less energy.  Entropy isn't solved by rest.  Energy can be found by taking on more (if it's the right things).

passionate guesture

Do you ever use sex to fill your need left by M and porn? I am ashamed to admit it, but yes I do. Sometimes sex is great and it's lovemaking and it's all that it can be and should be. But other times it's my fix and it relaxes me and helps me sleep and it quietens my "demons" for a time.

Last night we were arguing and she verbalized how she feels pressured by my suggestions for entertaining friends too much, not giving her enough space. Then she said something like, "but you'll still want to make love" (as if being tired from having a houseful of people will somehow make me less interested in sex when we finally do make it to bed).

So, it didn't come out of the best place, but I said something I've thought about for a long time. It's about a short time of celibacy. Oo0h how I've stayed away from that word.

1 Cor 7 "Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

But my feelings are, like, "Hey, I'm white-knuckling-it here!" So we argued most of last night, not really about sex at all. She suggested the length of time I pronounced is too long. Need to take baby-steps. But that just sounded to me like she doesn't have faith and confidence in me. Pisses me off to think how easy it will be for her and how she'll breathe a sigh of relief from the hassle and pressure of my sexual advances. That brings home the problem near its' core--I want her to want me. I want to want it and need it and get it without any guilt or negative effects.

It's something I want to do for spiritual reasons, and I'll definitely be praying through this time.
Okay, I thought I missed something in my spontaneous passionate symbolic sweeping decision. It needs to be from mutual consent. Besides, I was very angry when I made the decision and need to check my motives.

A very big challenge may well be me not being distant and aloof. Every time I come home when I feel wronged and cheated of an orgasm, I find myself wanting to subtely let her know of my dissaproval by busying myself somehow. I'm too tortured or angry to just hang out and talk to her freely.

In a way I feel like I just wanna curl up somewhere & sleep (sweet escape, at least I'm not finding myself saying I just wanna masturbate).

I want to see some improvement here.

Freedom is the goal.

another layer of anger

So work is something I've written about a few times before. I am finding it hard to get motivated. I feel the hopelessness and I feel left out. I have very little motivation and the smallest challenges seem too much.

But it's my bitter attitude toward others who do well that really bothers me. Is this a bitterness that's always been covered by my drug until now?

It's like going back to school and being afraid of competition, doubting myself and wanting to withdraw in the face of challenges. Strange thing is I've faced and overcome many many professional challenges while I had M$ as a crutch, so it's not like I this makes sense.

I'm not a loner with no one who cares. I don't need to be jealous of everyone who seems to be part of something. I'm part of something too. I've got a God who is loving me and helping me. I have a beautiful partner who's committed herself to me for life. I have worked and been blessed to have earned a good position of respect and expertise in my career.

anniversary

ten days and counting

So, 10 days til it's been a year. I can't say it's been easier for the last month. I've been tempted. I've yearned and ached. But I'm gonna make it.

The other day we were about to "do it" and I noticed myself thinking about moving us into a room where we've never done it before. I imagined doing it on a table. New, different, exciting. I know she wouldn't really be into it, but I wanted to. Why? I think the image of a couple doing it somewhere unorthodox sticks in my mind as meaning "they must have really been hot and bothered and turned on and into each other to have done it THERE!". But I can't make her more into me just by doing it somewhere weird.

Today is a "non" day. Why can't I have sex daily? Is it so much to ask? Just an orgasm or BJ?!!! Oh, why oh why!

So, what to report? Well, I tried to get her to "do it" outdoors on one of those rare opportunities. She wasn't into it, and tried negotiating by offering me a BJ. I can proudly report that I turned her down because I knew she didn't really want to.

That must be a first. I must be getting healthier!

Wasn't pissed about it either.

She's be best.

19 days and it'll be a year without the little M! (fanfare!)

Horny... miffed....

So, I'm okay, I'm not completely obsessed. But rather than feel thankful for the long run of every day for a while, I'm just feeling cheated that I'm not getting it every day. So short-sited. Such a bottomless pit, my lust.

Sex Addict Clean Coin?

I can see the one year mark approaching. If I was an alcoholic I could have a few pats on the back and some people would shake my hand and say, "congrats" for being clean one year.

I know it is a little thing and that's not the reason I'm fighting this battle. Still, it'd be kinda nice.

Sex addiction still has too much shame for me to enjoy that kind of open support though.

Grrrrrr.

Felt really angry today. Wanted a quickie at the weekend and was turned down. Nothing last night, so I decided to talk about it with her instead of stewing. I SO want to try to manipulate her and every word I say I check five times and reject 10 other words as my mind whirls by ways to say things that might help my "need".

300 days, huray.... sigh

Business Trip Temptations

So I was away for half a week, back home now. It was easier than ever knowing I'd be sex-less for several days. I did notice the girls in the short skirts, but thankfully the TV in my hotel room was cleaner than clean.

There was a sex shop that I ducked into, but only got a mild hard-on, no huge temptation or falling down the deep deep rabbit hole of masturbation. It seems crazy that these shops are still opened when the internet is so much better.

Anyway, I celebrate my "clean" days continuing to climb!

Porn (temporarily) Makes U Dumb

"viewing pornography can literally effect the judgement and thinking centers of the brain."

I think to myself, "I'll just look at this swimsuit model, strip-tease, or other PG rated image, and no more"

I get the buzz, but then my brain starts to power-down so I can't think to use my judgement to tell myself "stop! don't go any further!". So before long one click gets my blood pumping and I click on another link to keep it going or get higher. Where does it end? Usually with masturbation and the same old regrets.

February 11th, 2009

So I'm in completely new territory now, uncharted waters, a future that's unknown (like in Terminator 2). In other words, I've exceeded my record of 8 months (I'm at nine months now!). I did go to a website for no reason except to be titillated yesterday. Fortunately I stopped there and didn't go any further.

No sex last night. Slept fine. yea! I'm not even obsessing about it. I'll probably forget that fact several times throughout today.

There's a self-destructiveness connected to this addictive stuff that is very slippery. It shows up in overeating, isolating myself relationally, even my work ethic and career. I know I it would help me to get on and get motivated and get stuck in, but I feel so tired and blah and annoyed and irate that I usually don't.

If I work better, I'll feel better, my relationships at work will improve (I'll feel better), my career will improve (I'll feel better) and I'll feel better! So when will I do it? God, please help lift me out of this pit. Please help me find hand-holds to climb out.

January 2009 Update

So I'm finding it hard to get motivated at work. Is it jus Monday-ite-is? I feel like retreating and hiding and escaping away somewhere far far away from this drudgery.

Is this the kind of thing that I was retreating away from when a teenager? Was it the usual challenges of working and competing that I ran from with masturbation and porn?

Oh, by the way, speaking of orgasms... She was tired last night, but willing. I was reading that, and decided to "let her off the hook". Miraculous for me to turn down an orgasm. I've been very well looked after recently, but the fact that her period is coming any day now, means I was saying no to an orgasm while expecting a dry spell just 'round the corner as well. I don't find myself able to get as turned-on when from oral sex when she's on her period. I know all to well that she's not feeling sexual. I can't keep any fantasy going (that she's loving loving me, etc.). Major improvement that I'm only writing about this after I've written about work. Sex isn't everything, I guess. And world record count since last M!

So, let's write (talk) through some of these feelings. I'm torn by a few of somehow protect myself from being "tricked" into doing the wrong work, to much work. On the other hand, I know that my value as an employee is based on my productivity. Maybe that's what I'm doing, rebelling against just being valued for what I do, rather than who I am. Or maybe I'm reconsidering my motivations as to why I work anyway. All my life I've been one of the hardest workers, but now I see the reason has been for praise and acceptance and hopes of pats on the back to fill what has been un-fullfilled by my father.

It's another form of self-destruction (or crying out for help). I knew that porn would ultimately destroy my financially, professionally and familially. In the same way, I know I need to get my butt in grear and embrase work again!

Breakthrough

I'm enjoying something that I think is very significant. I don't usually use this kind of jargon, but I'll just use whatever words describe it best: freedom. I'm finding my attitude towards others much less judgemental. It's much easier to live life without the weight of others imperfections pressing down on me, like an expectation that always sits on your shoulder like one of those cartoon "devils", nagging and accusing and blaming and comparing.

Yesterday I was at a funeral and this older fellow came into the ceremony wearing a track-suit! I thought, that's not right, that's not respectful. He's definitely crossed the line. But, who's he offending? The dearly deceased? No, she wouldn't mind at all. The nearest and dearest loved-ones? I doubt it really. So it's really not someone else who I'd be representing if I was offended. It'd be just plain old me. Someone who's experienced grace and acceptance and forgiveness. I'm enjoying the freedom of not being judged..... maybe that's why I'm not judging others (so much).

Record!

previous hi score: 8 months or 247 days

248 days 9 hours since last M

This is great!

Not the Cause

So, another thing to look forward to, if you're hanging on by your fingernails....

Twice during this holiday season I've felt a sadness and heaviness descend on me. But somehow, this time I could think clearly and I knew to not assume it's connected to my addiction. Yes, I thought of sex and how I'd like it as an escape and release. But I didn't automatically assume it was triggered by anything to do with sex (like seeing the lingerie in a store, seeing a girl in a skirt, etc.)

So, the sadness still comes, but I don't automatically attribute it to my "loss".

This is a good posting, about an improvement, even though I'm talking about feeling down.

By the way, it didn't trash my whole day, night. It didn't prevent me from enjoying intimacy or end up with me in a rubbish mood or angry.