Internal Monologue Improving

So I'm still disappointed and angry that I am not in control, can't get what I want when I want it.

The circumstances are worse, thanks to her menopause and related reduced interest in sex.  At the same time I'm less able to get turned on just by the visual stimulation.  Is it from my stumble into porn recently?  Is it her weight gain (also related to menopause)?  Either way, instead of feeling like less a man by not being able to "perform" (or by not being able to "finish" and find my physical satisfaction), instead I'm letting go and accepting that we won't be doing it as often.  It's great to have a better perspective.  But after a few nights of no sex and not very good sleep, I'm not in a very good place today.  Still, that's just emotions.  Remember to stay pointing into them, like a ship into a storm.  It's counter-intuitive, but remember that these feelings will pass quicker if I stick with 'em.

Sometimes I'm impressed with myself and thankful for the new found freedom, or at least ease.  But it's not that easy or that consistent.

My inner monologue, self-talk is better.  I hear myself saying, "don't expect her to do everything (like in porn).  Of course she's not likely to make love tonight, not if you stay in your crappy mood and childish sulk!

I'm very aware of thin females and womanly curves, but I know that real satisfaction doesn't come from the visual aspect but the spiritual or at least emotional connection.  What I enjoy most is her being turned on and satisfied.  I can't create that by pursuing the signs of passion like spontaneity.  I used to think that if she agreed to make love at a different time or place, or wearing something sexy, then that would either bring or show real passion.  But that's a symptom of passion, not the cause of it.   Besides it's a bit Hollywood/fantasy, not what we find in our real life relationship.   Better to forget about those external things and go for the heart of the matter: connection.  Real emotional connection.  Honesty, vulnerability, real listening, real caring.  Those things that she responds to are more wholesome and worthwhile in the long run, and they are what really turns her on as well.

Temple

He holds the earth in His hands, just as easily as He does our galaxy, and the universe--balanced on His fingertip.  He invented mathematics and science and matter and all the dimensions of existence--not just those we know.  He designed your opposing thumb, your veins and blood  (cleaning and clotting and even warning through the choice of the colour of red).  He sculpted you to have joy and melancholy and awe and anger too.  He crafted us to need each other, to enjoy Him and this mysterious life.


And He created a special temple as a place to gather round and say, "wow!" about all this.   This temple is the crowning glory of all His creations, it's His favourite hangout, with more of Himself invested here than anywhere else or any other thing He's made.  It's not just been sculpted from dirt or clay, not only has it been breathed with the Life from His lungs.  It's not just living flesh and blood, it's so much more.  You are His ever loving child with His mannerisms, infused with his potential for hope and trust and love!

He chose to reside and rest in you.  You are allowed to feel honoured and humbled.  It's audacious, but go ahead and believe it.  He didn't choose you because you performed well or because you added to your value. On the contrary, He brought value to you by choosing you.  Your value comes from Him, your value is not what drew Him to you.  He made His home with you, near you, actually within you.  He knows what He's doing.  He chose well. You needn't worry about your lack of value separate from Him, because He will never leave you.  He's not a shirt you can take off and toss away.  He is in your DNA, in your bones and in your cells like your fathers eyes are in your body and how you effortlessly carry your mothers' smile in your mannerisms.

Genesis 1:1-25
John 1:3
Collosians 1:16
1 Corinthians 10:26
Acts 17:24
Paslm 24:1-2
1 Corinthians 3:16 
Genesis 1:27
Paslm 139:14
Genesis 1:27
1 Corinthians 6:19
Ephesians 2:8-9
Romans 11:6

Bouncing My Eyes

Quick Google Search for the title of this entry shows lots of good thoughts and honesty about it.  It's helpful to be reminded of being diligent and it's encouraging to read others perspectives and be reminded that you are not alone in having to do this work, failing, trying again, and so on.

I have noticed that I have a very strong lure and draw to look, but when I've managed to not look, just recently, sometimes I've thought, "now that didn't hurt".  That's good to realize.  It's worthwhile to evaluate whether I feel robbed, whether it's painful to miss a dose of stimulation.  Although I want to lap up the imagery, it's good to realize that it doesn't actually hurt to give it a miss.  As Mark Gungor says, "you won't die".  Of course this is obvious, but after so many years of no filter and indulging in looking, it becomes automatic.  It helps me to remind myself that all it really does is distract me from better and more important things in my life, while revving up an engine that I don't really want to fuel because it drives me to lust and porn and masturbation.

Saying no to the visual stimulus means you're not taking steps down the road of "acting out".  I guess the word is trigger.  There's certain females at my work who I try to avoid watching as they walk, etc.  Those a kinds of visual stimulus are maybe more like straws than triggers.  No idea which combination of straws will "break the camels back" or trigger acting out.

Considering the fact that I don't need to look at that sexy shape helps strengthen the truth that I can live without the orgasm as an escape, the porn as pleasure to numb pain.  For a while now I've noticed myself noticing breasts and bottoms and thought, "It's not fair that I need to reprogram myself and do without this stimulation!".  That's good, good at least that I'm being honest about my feelings.  The old childish, "It's not fair!  I dont' like it!" stuff I've gone through before. Better to feel/pray that than not even be aware of my feelings.  Better to be feeling them and angry than they stay buried and pop out in other ways.

So sometimes I think, "I averted my eyes and that didn't hurt, I don't feel any worse for it".  Other times I am aware of how deep and how ingrained my automatic leering is!  Sigh.

Perspective

I'm loosing control   that sounds dramatic.  I'm loosing the semblance of control.  Maybe i just don't like the way things are going. 

These days when things change, it bothers me.  My job, my workplace, my career.  Big shocker: things never stay the same.  Bigger Shocker:  the world doesn't revolve around me.  It's really not all about me.  This isn't a movie with me in the starring role. 

One of the things that I cite as key to me becoming a Christian is the hope of having my own family where there isn't this heavy anger lit cloud hovering in the home.  Ironically, sadly, that's exactly what i do sometimes.  God, i guess i should ask u about this instead of assuming. I don't just want this for me. I want it for my family.  I'll follow you Jesus, and I'll keep on "letting you in" Father, regardless of what you do for me.  No matter what I do or don't get out of it. You are worth anything I can give.  I don't need to worry about what I'll get from it.  When I think about it, I know, of course, that you'll give me what I need, more than I can dream of, and it the right time.

My job might change or end, but that doesn't change who I am.  But I have skills and talents that I want to use and develop.  

Greener Grass




I remember being really annoyed and angry at my kids primary-school assemblies (equivalent to US grade-school production).  I had pride, joy at seeing my kid, the cuteness of all the little ones, the surprise of how much they've grown and how quickly they're growing up.

But I was angry.  I was horny and sex obsessed and upset that I left work and went back again without any "action".  Maybe I was jealous that the attention was not on me.  But most of all I was struck at how seeing rows of parents sitting in these little plastic kid-sized school chairs was so far away from a fantasy.  We weren't particularly attractive.  We weren't sexy.  We were ordinary.  We were 'just' parents.

Now I am in the next stage of life, and still seeing how it isn't a fantasy and it isn't hollywood.  I was invited to a friend's fiftieth birthday party.  That's fine, but looking around, so many people at the party were not attractive, not sexy;   They're often grandparents!  The focus of folks lives aren't about the hope of their future possibilities.   They aren't looking at their whole lives ahead of them.  They're middle aged.  I am too.  The ideal imaginary person I'd enjoy connecting with, maybe flirting with, would be a daughter of someone my own age.  Creepy!

New Year Stuff

Prayers:

Please reduce the connection between visual stimulus and sexual expectation.  Please help me bounce eyes from rears in skirts and boobs in blouses, but also I need to be able to have eyes opened walking down the street without the ache and the numb painful hunger to start a ticking timer of expectation and perceived need of relief.

Please break this lie that I need an orgasm.  I reject it and choose to believe that those needs aren't like water or food or shelter.  They're more like affection and encouragement--a higher tier need, not a basic human requirement for life.

Please break the lie that she doesn't want me which arises like a childish sulk.  "If she doesn't want me right now, then that means she really doesn't want me at all.  If I can't have what I want than I don't want anything.  If you don 't do what I want, then I don't like you anymore.  If I can't have control of the toy, then no one can play with it."

Goals:

100 times say to self, "you don't need sex, you can be at peace without an orgasm"

Rooted lie:  You can't live without sex, you can't cope with emotions without the release valve of an orgasm.

50 times say to self, "she does love you, she does want you, regardless of whether she wants sex right now.   Remember the last time she was really turned on--see it positively, not negatively.

Rooted lie:  She doesn't want you now, so she doesn't want you at all.  The porn fantasy is gagging for it 100% of the time and so if she doesn't want it right now then she doesn't desire you at all.


15 times let go of anger when not having sex that I expected at that opportunity.

12 times to say, "let's go to sleep, goodnight" without sex.

10 times to turn over and go to sleep without sex, without going downstairs (for food, sleepless night etc.)

5 times when making love, if orgasm doesn't happen, to let it go.

3 times to have an opportunity for sex with her, but not suggest it.

Your Spouse Should Know

1)  It's not about the frequency of sex.  She asks, "why are you angry/upset that we're not having sex right now, as we've just made love this morning/afternoon/last night, several times this week?

It's nothing to do with how often.  Addiction is a bottomless pit.  It's practically impossible to get "enough", so try to remember it's more about not being in control than the frequency. Not getting sex is painful, but other points of pain also trigger wanting sex.

2) It's not about you--often.  Romance gets left behind by sex.  Sex gets overshadowed by the orgasm.  You're the reason for the romance, and you're there.  But sometimes you get left behind.

3) We might not know why we are feeling these feelings.  We are feeling so many feelings:  anger, shame, frustration, hopelessness, yearning, emptiness... and we're feeling very horny. 

I realize talking through feelings is very helpful.  But it needs to be with the right person. Don't take it personally if a good counselor is needed rather than you for some of this rubbish.  Sometimes you're too close to be the one for the addict to talk out his strongest feelings.  You might not be the best person to objectively hear his pain at not having his pain relieved.  Maybe that's because you're the person who holds the power to give that sexual relief.  But you are so important, he's so fortunate to have you.  You personify real love, faithfulness, perseverance and steadfastness!  You Rock!