I've been finding it difficult in the mornings (and often at bedtime). If my wife and I have been intimate that morning, one of my main thoughts is, "Damn, no sex tonight! I should be happy/content/satisified but instead of being grateful I'm annoyed." It's the glass half full kinda perspective. A lot of my frustration is what Tara Brach says is 'The Second Arrow' The first injury or suffering is wanting sex, but the second hurt that follows closely is the anger and anxiety about having had that want or pain. Hurting about the fact that I hurt. That's the second arrow. So, embracing it, allowing it, philisophically considering it, mindfully noticing it without judgement. Those are all ways to try to accept it. Damn, when I first heard her say to say to the feeling, '...you belong..' even that made me feel angry. "This doesn't belong!!!" I'm not going to welcome it, embrace it, as if I want it, I hate it!" It's a little like that childish feeling of, 'It's not fair!" But, it seems, saying, 'You belong' doesn't mean all those things.
So, I'm thinking and talking to guys in my recovery community about how mornings have been tough. I've woken up very turned-on and my mind has raced and ran and imagined me being given what I want. It's not particuarlly triggering anymore. It doesn't take over my day (thankfully). But it pisses me off and I WISH IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! So, that's when it hit me. As if it's a new perspective, a new way of thinking. What about making peace with the fact that I wake up wanting an orgasm? I don't pursue it, I don't act on it, it doesn't happen, but, yeah, it's true. I want it. Instead of fighting against it, I can practice accepting it. That fits with accepting that I'm an addict. It fits with accepting life on life's terms. And it's hard beause I wish it wasn't the case. So, a new mantra to try to add to my repitoire. Something like, "I accept the fact that I am often turned on in the morning. I don't have to like it, but it I am practicing accepting it." These principles and concepts keep coming 'round. They are simple, but not easy. It all happens over time, slowly.
