Benefits of My Freedom

No pressure for her when we don't do it

Not tortured on days when it hasn't gone my way

Won't use so much brain power with all the silly fantasies I want her to initiate.

Less stress, better sleep when we don't do it



More intimacy, all the time

Quality, better than quantity

She might initiate lovemaking more

What? 5 Days?!!!

So she gave me her side of these last four days. She is annoyed that I've not seemed to think about anything other than doing it. She couldn't care less about it. She was gonna grudgingly go along tonight, but hearing her say that made me go down a decision I knew id regret but hopefully is gonna be a blessing to someone some day.

I didn't do it out of anger, but I said looking after her & making her feel valued is more important to be than an orgasm. I immediately found myself wondering if I could change my mind, wake her up in the night, get her in bed in the morning tomorrow, anything! She didn't seem to give a shit, had no clue,seemingly, how damn hard that was to do & how hard it is to stick with a decision like that. This isn't the longest ive been without an orgasm, but it's close & been a while.

I guess this is what I asked for when I pleaded with her to say no & be strong sticking up for what she feels is right and not giving me sex all the time. Damn! (^8

Jesus please help me to let go & not be cross tomorrow again just like today thus making this pain pointless!

Later, Not Soon Enough

I feel that dull ache in my loins. I think it's a pretty good chance that we'll do it tonight, but I feel all I've been doing is waiting and missing chances to do it. I might blow it for tonight by creating an atmosphere as a reaction to her not being willing to go to bed with me this afternoon. Ironic.

 Good perspective: going through this pain will equip me for the next time I have to do this. Might speed up healing/freedom. Might make it hurt less next time, get me closer to it not hurting--sooner.

I feel I've worked so hard to think of her. I've gritted my teeth and put her first, forced myself to come out of my withdrawn self and do stuff that she finds loving. Problem is that I want something in return. I want to let go & stop keeping score. I want to love her with no strings attached, even when I feel like I have lava pulsing through my veins.

When she says no, I want to let go & move on. Nothing loving about doing it when she doesn't want to. But I still desperately want it regardless of what she wants.

When I'm away from her I don't feel the same pressure £ pain. I guess its the manipulation pushing for me to push her. Thankfully it doesn't push me toward an office affair or other infidelity. If the pain isn't here when we're away then I can overcome & see it gone when we're together too. Not having our intimacy robbed!

So, if the way to make headway in this fight is to face it, then the more days without sex means a chance to get to health and freedom quicker.  This is something I've dreaded and suspected but was rarely strong enough to consider.

"I promiste to love you, in sickness and in health"  a great part of our wedding vows.  Security comes from knowing we won't get ditched or disregarded just because we run into health problems.  Covenant means sticking together regardless.  If I get sick I have the benefit of you as my lifelong partner and your health in my support.  If you become poor you have the benefit of my riches.  It's great the way we share our weaknesses and share our strengths!

Anyway, she's not feeling very well.  Nothing serious, thankfully.  But I'm struggling with wanting my fix regardless.  She's experiencing a new perspective of being strong and saying no to me (in so many words) rather than worrying too much about my twisted desires.  She just sent me on my way without a quickie.  It makes the fourth day in a row of nothing.  I am embarrased about that last sentence.  I think no one else would make so much drama out of going a mere four days without sex.  Plenty of husbands go more than four days as a good statistic and are thankful for it!  Still, my reality is what I'm feeling and experiencing and I'm trying to adjust to a better place.


I managed to do lots of things other than try to get an orgasm from her in our alone time.
I decided to not ask/push/initiate intimacy dozens of times.
I had a view of what was going on with her and her perspective of not feeling like it.
I struggled thinking this was the longest I've been without an orgasm, but I didn't express heaviness to her.
I swore and complained out loud on my way to work, but I was aware of a better perspective at the same time.
I remembered several times that I don't need an orgasm, although it seems everything in me felt otherwise.
I remembered that it would feel empty and guilt and negativity would follow if I pushed for a disconnected orgasm.

Father would say to me:
Well done, Son.  You are connected to me and my perspective and strength.  This is the kind of husband you want to be and I'm proud of you.  I hear your cries and I am with you.  It won't always be this tough.  You can see how it's getting better even in the middle of this trial.  I am proud of you, and I will not give up on you and I will never leave you.  I love you, Dad.

Doing Right, thinking wrong

So I really do have a lie in me that I need an orgasm. That it's my right.

Watching her cough repeatedly did not ease my obsessive & selfish dominant thoughts & overwhelming attitude.

I gritted my teeth and tried to distract myself from asking her to give me an orgasm. Trying to find a way to say, "please do me" somehow magically changing it from being selfish to ok, I distract myself by doing a chore or job round the house that she will appreciate. I was giving off some negative vibes & intensity at the end, but I had to not put my arms around her or embrace her saying goodbye so I wouldn't ask her for what I knew wasn't loving for me to expect.

 I have a meta lie around all this: that I'm flawed, wrong, need to be disqualified. I find myself wanting to argue that I'm too screwed up and show those who love me that I'm hopeless. It's self destructive & depressed. It elicits disagreements for encouragement and what good is it if I am right? Hurrah--you win the argument, too bad that means you don't have hope. I'll give up that lie & and loose the argument but win the rest of my life, freedom and success.