Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Die! Die! Die!

So give up on settling for sex on the physical layer, it detracts rather than being better than nothing.

Sex isn't the answer. No amount is enough. God, I give that need (right AND wrong) to you.

Please help me to not punish her or withdraw or have an angry attitude with her.

She loves me & is not going anywhere, but does not want me as much as I want to be wanted. She can't meet that need. Its a lie that she doesn't want me. True that she doesn't want me enough to satisfy my addiction. That's where only God can help & it's no use expecting
anyone else to. I'm not alone. He's near & cares.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Less

frowning boy
Before going on vacation for two weeks with her, I remember thinking, "I'm gonna have to settle for less sex". This thought came with a feeling of despair. I don't want less!

For the few weeks prior I noticed a lot of our sex was not so rewarding, except on the base-ist physical level. I decided to leave a few days from initiating with the hope of giving her a break (giving!) and maybe getting a better connection in the long run (getting).

I need to do the same now. She mentioned that we've done it a lot on our vacation. That sounds to me like she doesn't want to do it so much now. It reminds me how it's felt a little unsatisfying. Problem is I want it just as much as ever.

I tried saying "no one does it daily" but I still want it and try for it every day. She said no last night and I'm angry even now as I type this.

Jesus, please help me to overcome this lie that she doesn't want me. Please help me to "die to self" in this oh-so-painful way (yes I can feel an uncomfortable pressure in a specific part of my body right now).

Reading this poetic encouragement helped some, but I am in that place again.