Healthy Process

Away from home, in a hotel room with fast internet and no one to catch me. Lonely and tired (some key triggers/warning signs) and on day three I did follow a dodgy link and see some strip-tease video clips. I checked this blog and reminded myself how many days I've achieved.

I remembered how the release would feel good, but I'd have many more bad feelings surpassing a few good ones. I thought about having to come clean and admit it to her, accountability friends.

Next day started even worse as I was accidentally woken at 4am (distant timezone and text messages--bad combination). Now I was horny and tired and ANGRY! I video chatted my beloved, wanting very badly to get her into a situation where I could leer at her sexiness and have the okay to M.

Of course she'd never want to do that. It's just another way for me to use her to carry out my old unhelpful ways. Burying the anger. I managed to not say anything and kept my hands off myself too! Biggest encouragement to me is realizing this proccess while it was going on.

Fight Fight Fight

86 days since last M (New Years Day, I remember it well).

I've been in a hotel for three days now. Lonely and horny are dangerous adjectives for my fight. It worked well asking the hotel to turn off the Pay-Per-View tv in my room, but of course I still am online with a fast internet connection. I've been great so far, but last night followed a few links on Digg which took me to viral video sites where I watched some unhelpful clips. Still struggling, but it's more difficult now.

Just Skype'd with my bride and wanted to ask her to show me her body and give me the okay to masterbate. That was the strongest that urge has been so far. But I could see that was just using her and I imagined a little how she'd feel. Pisses me off that she thinks about so many other things besides being sexy or my sexuality. Dammit those fantasies.

Now it's 5:30am here and I am feeling drawn to find sexual release. Remembering that may well not help me get to sleep anyway, but will definitely be wrong and make me feel bad in several ways (even if slightly good in one small way). All this trip I've been thinking to myself, "I really don't even want to masturbate". Well, I do now.

I am aware that I'm pissed off beacause I can't sleep and everything that I think about is filtered thru that anger. The work day ahead, the traveling afterward, my horniness. I don't wanna look on the bright side and see that I'll be able to make love to my wife in another 24 hours, I'd rather focus on how I can't have an orgasm now, how much I'd like one, how easy it would be, how unfair it all seems. I'm extra aware of my senses and feeling drawn to pacify them (hunger, horniness) as a response to my anger. It's not as simple as that. My anger and my horniness are very intertwined. It's impossible to separate my feeling of aloneness from the rest.

What title for this post?...... I better not search images.google.com for something to go with it as I am feeling very tempted to go in the wrong directions for images and movie clips. Damn!!!! Fight Fight Fight

Loneliness & real feelings

Loneliness isn't just a social or relational problem solved by surrounding ourselves with people.

It can be a reaction to pain.

I'm thinking about perfection. Maybe I've hidden in my escape partly because I couldn't be perfect enough to get what I needed from my father. Why do I expect my children to be perfect? Is it because I thought I just might manage it with my parents?

Let's get to feelings instead of theories and ideas. I feel doubtful of my value, competence. Removing my drug and coming back from fantasy, I pick up right where I left off as a child when this cycle started:

Who am I?
What's my purpose?
Where do I fit in?
Am I significant, am I useless?

Nobody Does it Daily, learn, learn!

'ya know in War Games when the hero has suggested that to avert the computer from starting WW3 by showing it that in a full scale nuclear war there are no winners? Go-G0-Gadget says, "Learn, dammit, Learn!" That's how I feel, except my brain is the stupid computer and the addiction is nuclear war.

Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily!

Last night was one of those nights when I had a clear memory of a few nights when we "did it" but one of us wasn't really very interested (guess who!). I dind't want another one of those nights, so we went through night #2 with... nothing. Another instance of doing the right thing, and suffering for it. Shitty sleep last night. Pissed off.

One good thing, I'm clearer that it's not her fault than ever. I don't really think she should "do me" , I just wish she would.

Sex isn't everything

So, lately I've been waking up angry. I assume there's been no sex and that's the cause for my anger. Then I remember that (often) I did have sex the night before. So, why am I mad this time?

Weird!