How it works, not deciding from the addiction

I heard that addiction was about the way relate, not about sex. I kinda knew this sounded like it made sense, but now I have an example of it.

Just now I realized I had misplaced one of my credit cards. *R$$£^%$^%$!! Anger! Frustration! thoughts like, "Stupid!" float around near my mind, although they've not really been given voice in my head this time.

I immediately think of my partner. She's gonna be angry. dissapointed. She's gonna want to figure out where it is and stop everything to track it down, call and have it canceled. I don't want the grief and I'm too tired to do all that work now. I wanna make this go away. I wanna escape. I don't wanna face it.

But, for some reason.. I did. I told her within 5 minutes of it happening. Amazingly, not really surprisingly, she was great. Not angry. She did suggest the last place I might have used it. Rang them up, and they had it! So, facing the distasteful truth proved to be fine, the best, and surprisingly advantageous! All endings wouldn't be that storybook, but it shows the decision I had to make and how it could have gone wrong so easily. This decision making process is deeply connectected to the addiction & porn.

sleepless night doesn't earn easy sex

Sometimes I can't sleep at night. Sometimes it's linked to not having sex that night. Sometimes the next day I resent not having sex and feeling tired and sleepy all day. But my sleepiness does not create some kind of obligation for me to get sex. It's just another of hundreds of ways for me to want to control getting sex. I see a girl in a skirt at a bus stop and it reminds me of a "street walker". She's a symbol of sex being on tap and something I can purchase. By making it a financial transaction, it means I'm in control.

Real satisfying sex is great, it does make me feel ten feet tall (for a little while). But my hunger for visual stimulation is a completely different thing.

Here's an excerpt from a study of what makes up "ultimate sex":

_________________________________________________________________________

Searching for Great Sex: New Study Explores Optimal Sexuality

Here are the eight components of great sex that the researchers identified after conducing semi-structured interviews with people who identified as having had great sex:

• Being present, focused, and embodied.
• Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch.
• Deep sexual and erotic intimacy.
• Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy.
• Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency.
• Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing.
• Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun.
• Vulnerability and surrender.

http://sexuality.about.com/b/2009/07/08/searching-for-great-sex-new-study-explores-optimal-sexuality.htm

Raw Honesty

I don't want intimacy, not right now.  I just want an orgasm.  Like a candy bar or a good film, I want to enjoy a good splurge.  I just wanna get inside and rub back and forth and feel that mind-blowing high of cumming! 

I am tempted to judge my feelings now, reign it all in and put it in context, explain it and or reprimand myself. 

But I won't.  I'll just let it sit here.  My want.

Do my deepest and darkest secrets make me inherently bad?  Does covering up my secrets really cover up my shame?  What if exposing them actually brings light which shows that I'm actually worth better?

...Mysterious Ways

Noticed a spray of wee on the floor under the urinal. Is that me? I watched next time, and sure enough... It was! Doh, why am I spraying all over the floor?!! What could I be doing wrong?

After a while I noticed there was no similar puddle under the adjacent toilet, so I went to it and found I wasn't leaking there at all!

Why is this worth writing? Well, it shows how quickly I blame myself. I thought there was something wrong with me (this is true on many levels, some very deeply ingraned). It never occurred to me to look at the evidence and think the problem is with the toilet itself.

When I finally tried a different toilet and saw that I didn't spray at all, I was gobsmacked! So, this isn't my fault at all?!!

Maybe I'm not so flawed and broken underneath it all. Maybe I shouldn't blame everything that goes wrong on me so quickly and automatically.

Just might be worth reconsidering the things that God says about who He's created me to be:

"God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking

God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything"