I feel that lack, and I feel it strong enough that it's f****** up my time with my beloved. I read in John Gray's book about sex that women don't know if they want sex (like the opposite of many of us men know, we know that
we do want it). I need to ask her, to give her a chance to think about it, I need to woo her. But 35 years of porn has dug deep trenches in my brain so I default
hard against risking rejection, making myself vulnerable, and not knowing whether her response will be yes or no.
I ask her, then I get angrier and angrier as I wait to see what she says. I feel humiliated making myself vulnerable. I feel like a fool wondering what she'll say. And all the while my emotions form a force-field around me that pushes her away and traps me in my man-cave of isolation. The thing I need is comfort and reassurance and affection. But the vibes I'm giving off pushes her away in the exact opposite direction.
A few days later, and I have a lot to be grateful for (although I've been livid with anger and heartbroken with sadness too). This is part of my addictive cycle. This is going to happen again (dammit!) I have done well (good job, well done!) to have taken action by going for a walk and making a phonecall. I am grateful to realize it takes more than a few hours, sometimes more than a day or even two, for the anger to subside. That means, unfortunately, it might not be best to puruse/expect/engage in intimacy during this spiraling. Again, the very thing I want the most is not what I really need and acceptance is huge.
