Two Confessions

I confess that I've been giving into eating junk food to ease the pain of me not having my porn/masturbation drug. There, I've said it here. Next I need to say it to someone who knows me and is close to me. I think my wife is more understanding of my problem with porn than she is with food!

Got a "No" for the last 48 hours. Maybe my attitude contributed to it. But last night I knew she didn't want to, and selfishly thought if I push it I'll feel bad knowing it's wrong. With porn I could pretend "she" wanted it as much as me. The naemless/faceless beauty always seemed so keen. But with my real relationship, my much-better bride and lover, that was not the case.

So I made the right choice to roll over. I was so tired, so sleepy after working in the backyard most of the weekend. Still, I wanted IT more than sleep. When I rolled over I felt these emotions wash over me: anger, resentment, sadness. I wan't sleepy anymore.

My mind is telling me that I should feel good and have an orgasm even out of context of a loving and intimate time with her. I've sorta brainwashed myself with all these images of instant and always ready bj's.

Choosing to masturbate doesn't work because it leaves me empty and sets off a chain reaction of guilt and pain.

Pushing her to pleasure me or let me use her to "maturbate" is wrong as well. I don't want to use her as one of those male sex-aid masturbation things. She's not a receptacle for my needs. Besides, it delays the hard work of facing my loneliness or pain or frustration, making it harder to face it next time. It isn't good for our relationship because it's using her and is kinda bringing her into my masturbation life. I can kid myself that maybe as I get turned on touching her that maybe, maybe she'll get turned on and we'll make love "properly". But I know she doesn't want to give out really.

Third and last choice. Not feeling good. Not having an orgasm. Triggering the anger and sadness and maybe missing the orgasmic feelings that help me sleep nicely. One thought that came from the last time I made this, the good third choice is.....

"I will never experience an orgasm easily again."

I mean never again quickly.

The porn movie where a rich guy sits around all day with one of his love-slaves taking turns blowing him... That was so unhelpful. Wanting a BJ in the middle of the day, a quickie is just B.S.

The kids are upstairs playing and I know they'll be happy and they won't disturb us downstairs. That's plenty of time.... to masturbate. Problem is, it's not enough time to make love. My brain goes crazy trying to rationalize a way to hope and manipulate and wish this isn't true.