Saturday, September 08, 2018

Fountain of Youth & Drying Up

Got my 9 month chip last week.  So I must keep in perspective that things are going better than ever regarding my addiction and sobriety.  But as I adjust to one degree of change and accept and let go of my obsession and expectation for sex... There's more of the same over the horizon.

We're getting older.  Will her interest in sex wane after menopause?  Will her ability to orgasm, or even have sex drop like a boulder from the edge of a cliff?

My obsession since a teen was looking at attractive women.  I was looking at women in their twenties thirty five years ago, and I'm still doing it now.  I fight against it with some help, thanks to the 12-step program.  But as I shopped for a perfect body to 'consume visually' through porn, I have always been clocking and noting thin waists, nice shaped rears, etc. Same when in public as when browsing porn.  As my ever-loving wife and saintly patient bride of 25 years gets older and larger and saggier, I geet angry at the growing difference between her and those twenty-something-year-olds' everywhere.

My ideal is to see beyond her sagging skin.  My aim is to appreciate the women inside the flab and fat.  The most satisfying lovemaking is face to face, connected and synchronized emotionally and even spiritually.  I promised to have and to hold in sickness and health.  While young and as we grow old together.  I need to kill the fantasy that those young women hold the key to my happiness.  That drinking in their youthful beauty will satisfy my thirst.

Cigarette packs have more explicit and shocking warnings trying to try to scare addicts away from killing themselves.  The fountain of youth is a archetypical fantasy with a warning label saying, 'don't be tricked, you'll loose the life you have pursuing an immature hope for eternity'.  See how enjoying the good (but imperfect) real life in front of us is smarter than throwing that away for an untouchable fantasy--like the allure of mermaids and the way they drive sailors to the rocks, to insanity, to their death. 

These young women, in reality, are just women with their own flaws and humanity.  They poo and menstruate and have their own insecurities and are selfish.  Besides, they are going to be sagging and wider around the stomach in twenty years, like the rest of us all.  Their beauty and youthfulness is just a snapshot in the never ending march of time.

I don't really want a younger wife.  I don't really think sex with someone younger would satisfy or fix my problems.  It's my midlife crisis and my sex obsession trying to get me to do something destructive.  The ego screaming out in pain for a drug that won't satisfy the itch.

I really want to accept my amazingly loving bride, with her trajectory of ageing.  I want to accept my fate that I'm in the last half of life and teen fantasies don't suit me anymore.  Maturity means putting others first and I can do that, while I unsubscribe from this ego driven self absorbed fantasy channel that I've been running in my head since I was a teen.

Saturday, September 01, 2018


How long has it been?  Four days?  Been tired, mostly my decision.  Mostly angry annoyed or resentful.  2 days ago it was her having her haircut So Short!  Really got pissed about all that.  12 steps say I can get rid of that redentment.  Talking to guys about it helps too.

Now she is downstairs at 9am on a Saturday.  When I suggested we go to sleep (without making love) yet again last night I thought we'd have this morning.  Damn.  Now I can go seek her out, stay here.  I wish I didn't feel needy and in a way desperate.  I wanna keep saying no, until she finally initiates it.  I'm pissed that she can live without it so flippantly.  Am I jealous that I can't be easy like that?

Tuesday, July 03, 2018

Fighting against the automatic

What can I learn from being in this tough place?
First, remembering what I have heard when this happened recently, a dear friend in recovery spoke words like these, 'See this pain as a necessary part of your caring and loving God helping you to heal".  That was beautiful.  I felt so angry, that I was seeing it bitterly and resentfully.  But, of course, I do actually believe that my HP (Higher Power) is loving and caring and very close by.   So a reminder that helped me bring that perspective into this pain was a sweet moment.  I remember where I was when this was said to me.  It was a memorable encounter.  I think the cognitive facts and deep truths behind that conversation transcend words, and something spiritual happened in that moment.  I remember the wave of emotion that washed over me. Sadness, a cry of pain, accompanied by something sweet (bittersweet) and cathartic.

So, what else can I get from being there again?  The simple and practical are the pain points to be aware of.

It was painful when she dropped the bomb, "Let's be flexible and play it by ear, there might not be time for us to make love today".   I went from in control and happily looking forward to intimacy/affection/closeness/talking/quality time/love making/orgasm.... to.... unknown, no control, feeling rejected, feeling devalued and the lowest priority.  I don't know how I felt really.  I imagine I have a strong sense of others' feelings and I often am clueless of what I feel.  I was resentful.  I was appalled.  I was angry (although I didn't feel it, really).

The other flashpoint was the next time we talked face to face.  Could I be nice, would I be passive-aggressive?  I think i had adrenaline pumping through me.  I felt like I was in turbo mode.  But it wasn't taking me anywhere good, faster.  It was so automatic.  I was hyper aware of her mistakes (perfectionism), super sensitive to how she wasn't giving me what I wanted (self absorbed).  'Ah, here I am listening to you (and your imperfections and silly little worries) yet you won't give me what I want (need?)'.

Another touchpoint was when I randomly did something which she thanked me for.  My obsession immediately assumed she'd be grateful and I pictured her responding to my sexual advances--oblivious to the facts that nothing really had changed a bit since she said, 'no'.  The last touchstone was the countdown clock.  She had agreed to be somewhere (for someone else besides me!) and so the silly illogical obsessed me continued to hold on to selfish hope and fantastic imaginations that we'd somehow 'do it' as hours whittled down to less than an hour, and ultimately minutes.  The stupid selfish lie (bogus promise) of those old porn 'quickies' that started as immediately as pressing play on a video clip haven't faded enough yet.  Talking to others where I could express my anger and remind myself by admitting to them what the healthy me really wanted helped, a little, over time.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Hestatant Stepping

There are some things about the 12-step vibe that bother me.  I think I might understand it a little better.  There's a negativity that I sense in the meetings and in the 12-step speak.  Maybe it was self loathing or shame.  I heard of addicts resigning to being managing their addiction for the rest of their lives, admitting that they'd be working the program forever--it sounded fatalistic and pessimistic.  I didn't want that. 

I thought of it differently the other day.  Self Loathing is what people come into the rooms with, and sure I can sense it's there.  Of course there is plenty of sickness in a room of addicts, not perfection (but progress).  The hope and growth turns these negatives into a positive:  humility. 

Yes, you can see your weakness accurately and have a sober assessment of your dependence on your higher power.  But that's not the same as self loathing.  Shame to grace is the slogan for S.A.A. and the people I respect the most have a humility that isn't negative at all.

Thursday, May 03, 2018


Tiredness is one of the things we need to be careful if addiction is a challenge.  The acroynm is HALT for hungry angry lonely tired.

Tiredness last night added to my impatience.  Tiredness exaggerated and amplified the lies in my head that are always there but usually not as loud.  Wanting more creativity from sex, frustration at the routine and predictability of it.  Resenting her for the usual human imperfections was back with a bit of a vengeance.

We lie in bed and my thoughts are dominated by one thing:  sex.  I know I want an orgasm and I'm selfish enough, horny enough, tired enough, that it's decided I'm gonna get that if possible.  But I don't want to feel selfish and guilty and I (selfishly) really enjoy it when she enjoys sex.  Her being turned on is a great thrill, as well as a relief from this being only a guilty pleasure.   I think the ideal way to do foreplay is me wooing her but when I'm resentful (resenting being tired, resenting that this sex isn't ideal, resenting my own crap) I hold back a bit, sorta going through the motions. I'm letting her know I want

But I've been drawn to the mystical side of spirituality and am gonna ponder these things with a perspective of grace and acceptance and gentleness--right now.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Obsession of the Mind

Learning about addiction via the 12 steps and AA.  They see addiction as a three part problem.  One, obsession of the mind.  Two allergy of the body.  Three spiritual malady.  See Wiki here.

Makes good sense with Alcoholics who can't stop once they start (physical allergy means once they act out they keep using, powerless to stop (rather than usual understanding of allergy, i.e. breaking out in hives or swelling, etc.).  The obsession of the mind is or insanity of the mind is about kidding yourself into thinking you can dance around the fire of the addiction and not get burned.  Left on my own, without doing the steps or finding health, I'm sure to talk myself into a situation where I find myself acting out.  Finally, the spiritual malady is the most important part because by treating this aspect of my addiction, I can find freedom and overcome all three problems.

Obsession of the mind:  I think my obsession does more than just trick me into acting out.  It robs me of many moments of peace or effectiveness as so so so many minutes and experiences that make up hours and hours of my weeks and years are distracted, disconnected and selfish.  It's the hundreds of times every day when my eye focuses on a female form, a curvy shape.  It could lead me to acting out, but even if it doesn't, the distraction and interruption is selfish, unproductive and disconnecting.

I love how the 12-steps are action oriented and solution focused.  I can't go long without 'okay, what are you gonna DO about it?' which is really what I need to get me out of my head and beyond endless theorising and philosophising.

The action is the pursuing spiritual health.  That's it.  It involves meditating (great to slow down, to quieten myself, to give some time away from social media, work or endless busyness!) it involves praying, but this time it's to my Higher Power (as I understand, as I don't understand).  This is familiar, yes brand new.  God, I trust You and ask you to help me as I'm powerless to improve my spiritual health.  I rely on you to show me what I must today to be more healthy (less selfish).  Help me to act different, to be different, to take steps of love with an attitude of growing thankfulness and humility.

Sunday, April 01, 2018

Higher Power: take this away!

So I've been doing S.A.A for 3 months now, and I could write loads about it, but I'm writing because I'm in that place, feeling those feelings.

Last night:  no sex.  Late, tired, family evening so not ideal.  She said let's go to sleep and hinted that we could 'do it' in the morning.   She specifically said she doesn't want to spend all morning in bed (duh, house full of visiting relatives).  So in the morning I was wide-awake hours before she'd stir, so I went downstairs and got some work done.  Prayed my daily prayers and disciplines as agreed with my sponsor (not heavy shepherding at all, it's why I'm doing so much better!).

While downstairs I had the first morning to see my eldest son at breakfast time for months.  I was happy to chat to him and it was easy to offer to help him with some revising.  But I made her a cup of tea as I thought it was about the right time for her to be waking up.

I took her the tea and she woke up (I wish she didn't take so long to wake up in the morning).
I talked to her for an hour or so (I wish she didn't take so long to talk, and would move to affection).
I had offered to help my son with studying, and knew he had to leave in an hour or so, so not long after she moved over and put her arm around me, I decided to say that I am going downstairs to see if Eldest needed help studying.  She was surprised, but didn't mind (I wish she was desperate and gagging for it and would beg me to stay and screw her right away!). 

I didn't feel too bad, not angry (it was my decision) not sad, but a little annoyed.  Downstairs, Eldest didn't want any help studying, but the rest of the household was up and awake by now.  In the back of my mind is the fact that we've missed out on a chance for sex, and tonight will probably not be ideal either (three days in a row?!).

How much was I distracted, maybe 10%, not much.  Then after Eldest left the house for the morning, and she started talking about going upstairs for a shower, my mind started upping the ante and increasing to about 50%, not angry, not obsessed, but distracted and a little tense.  Will she suggest we 'spend some time together' (her code that she uses when we are with others, and even on our own).  She walked over to me where I sat and leaned over and kissed me without particularly making eye contact and without saying anything as she said she's going for her shower.  Was it an invitation for me to say or do something?  Naw, it didn't seem like it.  Seemed like she is relieved or glad or at best un-fussed.  With a house full of family, including visitors, it's not ideal scenario for her to enjoy it.  With a big meal to cook, her mind is elsewhere.  I wish she could make love to me when others are around without being distracted.  I wish she could make love to me without being put off by jobs that are on her mind like a meal she's going to cook.

So, the 12-step program gave me the idea to pray and ask for Him to take this selfish/addictive urge away.  Did that in my head, giving it over to him.  Now I admit m powerlessness and I pray for Him to be what I am needing/wanting from sex right now. 

I thought of calling my sponsor, but felt it better to try to do this with God myself, at least for now.  I remembered my feelings would lessen, or pass, as I'm feeling pretty adrenaline pumped, deciding to stay away from upstairs where she's getting dressed and near our bed.   I wish the only place we made love wasn't our bed, our room, when she's already undressed.

I reviewed my daily thankful list, so let's do that again from memory:  I'm grateful God loves me, accepts me, can and wants to meet my needs.  I'm grateful to be in a family (the one that's visiting).  I'm grateful to not be alone.  I'm grateful she loves me, is willing to have sex with me, even when that's not now. I'm grateful for discipline which means I can learn to floss, and pray, and do the program. I'm grateful for SAAers who I enjoy talking and listening to so much!  I am grateful that she will give me sex before this weekend has finished, or so I am confident.  And I am grateful that God knows what I really need and will not leave me or reject me.  I am grateful that spiritual health is something I can seek, and that control of my life and desires is something I can handover.