Better Self-talk & New Mantra

Today I noticed her annoying habit (which isn't sexy) or maybe it was that she's gained weight or just the doldrum boring familiar bedtime routine.  Whatever it was, I thought,

"I don't like this" but then I thought, "But I can accept it".
That seems healthier.  I acknowledge the feelings and verbalise the reality, then, and only then do I put it in context and say something about my relationship with this reality.  It used to be more like,

"I don't like this".  "Why can't it be like (insert fantasy here)" and much rumination and anger and longing followed.

"I feel disappointed, but I can accept this reality which is better than fantasy."

Distortions, Thoughts & Emotions, oh my!

I've been reading about and pondering the cognitive distortions used in CBT for a while now. They make sense and I can identify with them, but there's always been a disconnect between the idea and my problems.  I've never been able to use cognitive distortions personally.  It's like they are concepts, but very individual and 'in my head' and of an analysis and academic perspective.  When I'm struggling I'm all in my emotions, overwhelmed, confused, angry and not thinking clearly.

But this week the two converged.  I was in the middle of my addictive obsession, trying to think through the confusion of what seemed like thousands of thoughts behind a few very strong feelings.  One of my 'core lies' messages was intelligible though, "She doesn't want me".  Looking back on it, I think it was really more like, "She is annoyed with me", or "she's annoyed about something and it's coming across in her conversation with me".  What a huge difference between the first and the last of those three messages.   I could take the 'core lie' and expand it to it's ultimate destructive and hopeless conclusion as well:

"She doesn't want me"  descends to "No one wants me, I am not loved and I am all alone".  Seeing it in the cold light of day it is obviously rubbish.  I've got a loving family, thoughtful colleagues, a supportive church and friend network.  I get on with some of my neighbours and on and on.

But in the fugue of my addictive pain, these lies seem very real and I can't rationalise about them.  It feels like I'm stuck in a room with horrible messages playing on a loop.  They are not clear, but they are relentless.  I used to respond by going deeper into my addiction where the numbing would quieten those thoughts.  But the addiction was somehow temporarily distracting them from me, but somehow it feed them and making them stronger for next time.

So, what about these distorted thoughts?  

By LoudLizard

Selective Abstraction:
I based my conclusion that she doesn't want me, that I'm not loved, that I'm alone... all on one fact, that she was annoyed with me or didn't seem to want me in one way at one time.

Minimisation: 
I downplayed the fact that she's been married to me for a quarter of a century, that she says and shows that she's committed to me, she's patient and understanding of my struggles.  I downplayed all these things and drew my conclusions on one negative and temporary thing:  That she was annoyed with me or didn't seem to want me in the way I hoped.

Personalisation: 
This isn't so clear in this scenario, but it does seem to be my default assumption whenever anything goes wrong.  Someone makes a mistake, I automatically think, "Shit, that was me!" when usually it's not at all.  It's accompanied by fear and some wrong assumption that mistakes are fatal.

Arbitrary Reference:
Again, I draw the conclusion that I'm unloved, I'm not wanted, I'm alone, not quite arbitrarily, but definitely illogically and incorrectly.  I didn't bond when growing up, so I didn't feel or learn to feel loved or attuned.  My parents thad their own problems that distracted them and made them unavailable, so, yes, I did get a strong sense that I wasn't wanted.

Magnification:
Definitely making a mountain out of a molehill when someone being annoyed with me or not propositioning me in the way I like gets exaggerated and distorted into, "I am alone and unloved"!

Overgeneralisation:
Again, it's understandable why mental health issues make us think of craziness because my feelings translated into thoughts because of long-held deep and unexamined beliefs that seem insane!  Everyone can see it's crazy to think I'm alone because I'm not getting what I want or maybe what I think I need.

This shows a lot of filtering, black & white thinking, over-generalisations, catastrophizing emotional reasoning and mislabeling (cognitive distortions) which are deep and not gonna change automatically or without dedication and work on my part.

Resentments: listing them to help them along their way

I resent her.  Mostly physically and it all fits under the umbrella of being a 'real woman' and not the porn fantasy that I brainwashed myself to expect for all those decades:

She's getting older, flabbier, saggier.
while porn gave me never-ending variety and youth and physical perfection.

She doesn't want me more than anything else. She's sensible and practical.  There are scenes in movies and TV where people rip each others' clothes off, oblivious to the rest of the world in their passion and overwhelming desire for each other.  Porn makes me expect this (and her gagging for it with no connection, no foreplay, no work on my part).
Then there's TV shows where lifelong partners undress and talk about their day while climbing into their own side of the bed with their habits formed over many years.  They might might read in bed, they might kiss, they might talk about making love, but they often don't.  Real life means talking about our sex-life, alongside talking about other relationships and practicalities.  Not always sexy.

She doesn't represent fertility.  Her impending menopause has not only put a damper on our love life, but it simultaneously reminds me of both us being in the last half of life and how diametrically opposite from young-sex-fantasy our reality is.  Instead of vagina being a mystery of pleasure and desire, with the period being an ignore-able symbol of her youth and fertility, it's become a reminder of the unsexy practicalities of her childbearing past (along with her drooping breasts and permanently pointy nipple--mutilated by breastfeeding,--something else that's unsexy and not about me.  Every period is an unwelcomed guest which should have left the party long ago.  We're too old now and just want to watch TV and go to sleep.

More Realities.  She burps, she shits.  
I've held women to a double-standard and I haven't minded them working harder to look better, to be attractive even when sexuality isn't relevant.  I can fart, but she shouldn't burp.  Of course her bowel movements are smaller and shouldn't smell.  They should be dainty and really she shouldn't shit at all according to my narrow view that ignores reality and focuses on fantasy and sex for pleasure.

I've ignored the parts of reality that don't fit the idea of youth and idealized sex.  I embrace her breasts as erotic zones, sex organs, a way to turn both of us on.  But I resent the natural and normal changes they've had from the miracle of feeding our beloved children.  I've worshiped her sexuality as a way to make me feel powerful and alive and happy.  I wallow in the peace of mind from knowing she's committed to me and will be here for me for the rest of our lives.  While I simultaneously resent her getting older and changing.  I can't justify having her, enjoying the comfortableness of 25 years' of intimacy while simultaneously yearning for someone young.  I'm not really wanting someone else.  I'm wanting that stupid impossible fantasy of porn.  Porn never gave me children, who really do give my life meaning.  Porn never listened to me and understood me, only an ageing and flawed woman can do that.  Someone to love is what I need as much as someone to love me.  I am working to leave behind the fantasy from porn so I can embrace the real her, and real love (giving and not just getting), which involves pain and lack as well as satisfaction and real connection.

What I Need (on two levels)

On one level, I feel I need sexual stimulation and gratification.  It's my 'go-to' way to self sooth and cope with pain and celebrate and fend off boredom (it's the answer to everything, really).  This supposed need isn't rewarding.  It doesn't delivery what it promises.  I think this is related to dopamine as I'm always chasing and wanting and only feel worse after receiving the fix on this level.  I'm drawn to it but ultimately left bereft.  It's shallow and selfish and it's causing harm to my oh-so-important lifelong marital relationship.  This need seems to run on autopilot.  It's always there and seems to have an endless fuel supply.

I have another need, that can operate at the same time, but on another level. It's a need for connecting and a need to give and love and experience real love.  This need is linked to the big picture and the long game.  I need to know I'm doing the right thing with my life.  I need to grow and improve and give.  I need to mature and develop.  I need to know that when we are intimate, that she's really there because she wants to be.  If we are together out of a sense of duty or if she's just trying to stave off my Baser Needs, my Egoic ID and animal needs, then the real me is left disappointed and unhappy.  This need seems to be related to seratonin as when I feel this quiet and subtle feeling, it's satisfying and there are no cravings related to it.

The only way I can experience authentic satisfaction is by engaging my mind and my heart and accepting that my monkey brain will have to be quieted and my Baser Needs can't be in the drivers' seat.  This means pain, this means discipline.  The problem is that I surface into this higher level of existence periodically.  But I live most of my life unable to tune out the thumping base of Need and screaming nerve endings of physical sexual desire.

I have to keep cultivating the Higher me.  I must keep learning about what my body is doing and I must keep handing over my 'needs' spiritually so I can keep on remembering what my autopilot keeps forgetting:  I am more than my subconscious pain and automatic urges.

I know why I am not good at handing pain from what Gabor Mate teaches.  I know why I am drawn to sexual stimulation.  But knowing isn't enough to overcome it.  I need to keep internalising and understanding while practicing handing it over. I need to wash my brain with the fact that I don't need what I keep hearing I want and need hundreds of times each day.  This obsession can ease and this compulsion can fade.