Loose it, Find it

One of my obsessions/fantasies was about a luncthime quickie with my wife, or her turning up to the front door of my workplace wearing nothing but an overcoat. I work close enough to home that it's not an impossibility (especially since the kids are all in school).

So it was a landmark Big Step when I invited her to meet me at the park near my office for a picnic lunch. I was walking 'round one day and saw a couple having lunch together with their baby and stroller in tow. I thought, "Hey, we don't have any babies anymore. We could meet and have a nice lunch." It was nothing to do with a quickie or sex.

As soon as I suggested it (she loved the idea and has suggested we do it regularly) those old thoughts started creeping in and trying to takeover the idea. I was actually a bit "down" during that picnic--like my fantasy was dying it's last death.

But then the next time we meet we cycled to a restaraunt and I suggested we both "dress up" a bit. Well, guess what?!! She was almost flirting before the we started biking home and we had our first lunchtime loving when we got home.

We've been on a kinda buzz; we're seeing things improve and enjoying it more these days. Last night was the first night for a while that we didn't make love. It was THIS week when we had that great sex I mentioned above, but I still had trouble sleeping last night, but was only a little angry about it.

Anyway, by giving up my selfish and negative fantasy for male-imagined mechanical sex, I've been given a lovely gift of real relating and two-way love making where she actually wants me. It's so satisfying to enjoy her satisfaction! Harder work than the Big M, less frequent and completely uncontrolable, but BETTER!

I'm not powerless

The other night I was lying there in bed, just steam coming out of my ears at the thought that she wouldn't want to make love. I was thinking, "See, she doesn't want to" (which probably meant, "See, she doesn't want YOU/love you". Anyway, she said she really found it hard to give me a hug while I'm like that. Some other things were said, but the important thing is that after getting cross and turning my back to her resigned and livid that we wouldn't be screwing, somehow, someway I changed my attitude. I thought, I'm gonna wake up still cross. I'm gonna come home tomorrow from work feeling the same. So I forced myself to turn back over and face her. I put my arms around her and let go. I'm not sure how I did it or what it entailed. But we could both feel the change in the air.

If I could do it then....

Improvement

So, after a string of "getting lucky" on numerous nights, I knew my luck was running out. It was time to gird up myself and decide on a "go straight to sleep" night.

I can't just make it "let's wait and see" because I'll be hoping and hoping it happens or I'll go ahead and try like every other night.

So I have to go all the way and decide it'll be a sex-free night. How I wish she'd be impressed but so turned on she'd subvert my noble plan.

But it's "facing the pain" and it was easier this time. The pain wasn't all enveloping. It was hard not getting madder as our plans for an early sleep were shot. But easier than before.

I'm just looking for excuses to confirm my thought that she doesn't want me. If she doesn't make love to me, "Ah HA!!!". Often when she does, I think, "she didn't really want to (ah ha!)". Rubbish.

The idea that sex=love is a lie. She loves me all the time even when not giving me sex. God loves and accepts me, even though I don't hear Him. Is it just time for the truth to sink in, or does something else need to happen?

the pain, the pain

What's so gutting about "No"?

It's easier to forget about how long it's been since last time, especially after a week out of the country.

But even if I'm the one who says, "Let's just go to sleep", something inside me cries out in pain when she replies "okay".

I hear "No"
I hear "I don't want you"

When this happened the other night, I fell asleep saying "let go, let go, let go" but woke feeling angry and with my head spinning of all kinds of crap. I'd really like to let go completely, but just don't know how.

I know she loves me and wants me, so why does it hurt so much when she says no to sex?

Wish Wish Wish

I keep hearing myself thinking, "I wish.." and it's always things that I can't have. I wish she would do things that help me to feel loved, feel good.

It's one day after my last post. I wasn't quite moping as much by noon as I was in the morning. I was a bit better by the evening. But I was quiet and distant. It was a protest for the fact that we hadn't made love the night before, plus a "low" because of how illogical and counterproductive that actually is. I wasn't as mad at her. I didn't actually think my strop would manipulate her to be drawn to me. Instead it was more like, "Fine, you don't want me, I don't need you either". "You don't want to give me what I want, I don't have to give you what you want". I tried to snap out of it, but couldn't.

At least I knew this was stupid enough to not try for sex that night. I made the bold move of saying "good night" thus releasing her from any further demands to talk and talk and talk or even fuck. Weird how right before that moment I was drifting to sleep, pretty relaxed. But when I said good night, and she said the same, I just started feeling so angry. I guess I was really "wishing" she'd say, "good night, but before we go to sleep, I'd really like to satisfy you!" or "Please don't go to sleep just yet, I so want you, I so need you, ". Then I dredge up how many different times and ways she doesn't want me sexually. I feel like our lovelife is a tiny little shrinking box. But I know that's bullshit and that if she'd do a bit more the never-satisfied addiciton would then demand something else or some more.

I decided to say, "good night", it was really tough, and I wished there was another way. I did the same thing again just now emailing her saying, "let's decide right here and now that we're not gonna make love tonight". That was so difficult. As a result, I'm feeling sad and cross even now. I have to sleep without the chemical buzz of an orgasm. I have to roll over and not let anger blow my sleeping fuse.

I SO WISHED she'd say something, anything... other than, "okay". She's off the hook from having the pressure to help me sleep. It only would work if she wanted it. It's no good to ask or demand or need. I SO WISH that she would want what I want. I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH. but I want to be free

"No" yesterday, "No" today

So I was in a mood yesterday & last night. She didn't wanna do it the night before. I know it's silly and counterproductive. I'm stuck in the place of a stroppy teenager or eleven year old. We talked and talked and that was good, but, of course, by the end of it all too tired to do it again. Damn! Woke up pissed off AGAIN. It's a day off and a "family day" which is all about the kids. I'm feeling left out and selfish. I'm avoiding her and giving her the cold shoulder.

I'm not supposed to feel gutted when she doesn't want me sexually. I'm supposed to feel good from other things like talking or hanging out together.


Fuck this!


Guess I better do downstairs and do something "in the opposite spirit". Shit. I just want to be asleep (escape).

Make a Birthday Wish

She asked me what I would like for my birthday today. What I'd really like is a day together with her enraptured by me. Unfortunately you can't buy that. You can't order it or schedule it or plan it. Even asking for it could be the midas touch. I've just gotta lower my expectations and shrug my shoulders.

See this morning was one of those "sleep late days", one of the few times the kids watch TV and we're free and undisturbed. I felt angry and cheated seeing her sleeping and dozing and uninterested. So, I either got out of bed and had to not resent her, or I could be affectionate and see if she could be won over or not. I didn't want her to just go through the motions. I didn't want her to just do it for me, but you never can tell when or if she'll warm up and get turned on. So I try to be laid-back and easygoing, but I don't know how much success I'm having.

This morning she doesn't get turned on much, but I sure do. She pleases me, but I wonder whether I was selfish or demanding. Am I chipping away at the health and pleasure of our relationship by asking too much? Will she not want to quite the same so much in future because I keep asking for it too much?

Maybe, mabye not. I feel physically satisfied, but empty in another way. Could I have stopped once I saw she wasn't really interested? That's a challenge.

Another Erotic Fantasy Eroded

I yearn for the Honeymoon experience. You know, you're both just so into each other, the world just doesn't matter. It makes you feel ten-hundred feet tall that she is thinkin' about you all the time, making wild and spontaneous gestures of that bright burning love. Guess it's unhealthy that I want her to feel these things for me, but I'm not exactly burning for her this way. We've been together for over a decade, so if that doesn't "end the honeymoon", children certainly will.

I get a bit obsessed with making love somewhere different, at a different time, anything different really. Why? Do I really care? Naaa, it's just a way to convince myself that she REALLY is crazy in love with me and that the honeymoon isn't over. See, if she chooses cleaning the toilet or talking about the kids over a passionate lovemaking session, then.... My fantasy is crumbling. She's a real woman, not a fake porn lie. She rarely will jump me like a nympho (okay, never) and I have to find my strength and comfort and confidence without that little crutch.

But it would be so cool!

I am trying to manipulate her to get the sign, hoping that I can count on it lead to the underlying message. What I mean is that I want to feel wanted, needed, desired. I want her to want me more than she wants to get her housework done. I want her to ring me up at work and ask me to come home so she can jump my bones! This would give me:

sexual satisfaction
a buzz from the experience
to feel wanted, top priority
sexual satisfaction
and sexual satisfaction

And I was feeling down and sad. If she doesn't want to jump me, then she doesn't really care much. If she doesn't want sex with me more than to do housework, then I'm not so desirable, valuable. I don't know if I really believed this, or just tried to kid myself to push my agenda. Silly and bogus logic. Like the guy says on xxxchurch.com's "cleanup program" Sex=love is a lie.

Plus, I'm ashamed to admit it but I have "pushed her" into sexual situations before, and instead of it making me feel on top of the world, it made me feel like the lowest of low.

So,
1. Waiting for her to fulfill this fantasy doesn't work. She ain't gonna do it.
2. Trying to "help" doesn't work because it's not genuine if she doesn't want it. Porn girls can fake an orgasm, pretend like they enjoy being used for your desires and wants, but real women don't. You can see it in their eyes, feel it in the room. It's not good.
3. Give up, let go. Back to that phrase, yet again.

Non-Mutual Masturbation

Grrrrr. Grrrrrr. GGRRRRRRRR! I can't really type what's going on right now. A fuse sorta blows when I want sex, leave my comfort zone and take a risk by communicating such, and get the answer "no". I'm sorta carrying around a demand after that until it finally happens. I want to let go of it, not stock-pile desires as if they were rights that I can demand and cash-in like a disgruntled consumer, complaining and demanding to speak to the manager.

Sometimes I actually prefer simple un-connected sex to 45 minutes of foreplay and communicating. The latter is far more satisyfing (even for me, obviously for her!) so is it the fact that it's "naughty" that makes it appealing? I'm sure laziness is in there somewhere. Getting an orgasm, but not having to give anything but a few thrusts.

Times like this I watch her walk back and forth from one room to the next. I'm acutely aware that we're not on honeymoon anymore. She chooses housework to putting her arms around me or giving me a kiss. Even if the kids weren't around, even if I was home from work (say on lunchbreak) it's not what she'd like to happen. I don't really believe that means I'm rejected, but times like this it's hard to not focus on those kinda negative things. I think about dozens of ways to "come on to her". I run through my head different ways to ask for a BJ. It's all ridiculous.

Guess I'm just wanting her to screw me so I get the same end-result as the Big M, but without me needing to touch myself--or feel guilty.

Repairing Your Fuse

It's great learning to turn off the "turned on" switch. Seeing a skirt might draw your eyes like a moth to a light, but it doesn't have to be a problem.

It's like learning that you can handle it, you don't have to get worked up, you don't have to get angry. Then after that sometimes you do anyway, but the fact that you've managed it once, or it was easier once is like some light shining into a tunnel, you can follow it and take some comfort from it. It's nice to think that you could keep moving and find everything lit, rather than staying still and it just being cold and dark.

A little encouragment, a little bit of progress and that fuse which burned so quickly between the cause (anger, boredom, horniness, a sexually charged image) and the effect (getting turned on and finally the Big "M") gets lengthened, giving you a better chance of snuffing out the flame before it's too late.

Landscape Gardening My Brain

I've had it explained to me that when certain stimulation is followed by certain actions, time and time again.. you get a biological explanation for a habit (or addiction). The brain impulses associated with strong feelings can be compared to a rain-shower. The decisions you make regarding these feelings can be mapped out on the landscape of your brain impulses. Imagine a hillside with rain falling on it.

It's gonna flow one way or another. At first it is anyone's guess which path it will take. But the result causes erosion, which means the next time it rains there's a greater chance the water will flow down the same path, making the path deeper, and reinforcing the "habit" even more.

The first time one masturbates--it feels good and sexual tension is released, at least. You might find deciding whether to masturbate an easy decision. The more you do it, the more erosion you get down this particular decision path, making it the favored path "of least resistance". Maybe the "Will" or "logic" or "reason" is loosing ground as the habit is strenthened. I'd like an explanation for why puttin a photo of my beloved family in front of my computer screen hasn't been enough to stop me from surfing to porn, which ultimately leads to the big M.

Maybe the storm is 'feeling depressed' or even a bigger worry about the future. I can imagine a lonely teenager feels trapped about these things. He needs an escape from the pain, wanting to replace the bad feeling with a good feeling.

But after hundreds of cycles of storm and rain, a trench has been dug down the side of the hill. Most of the rain is gonna flow down this path. Whereas once it was a random chance, now it's a sure-thing. The strong association between the feelings (rainstorm) and the path leading down the hill (masturbation) are cemented.

Reading about addiction and synapses here I'm encouraged by the fact although I have a very strong habit or psychological addiction, at least it isn't nearly as tough to conquer as a chemical addiction. I'm not a biologist, and don't understand this very well. But it sounds like the way drugs alter the landscape of synapse & neurotransmisions in the brain is a bit like the hill being somehow transformed so the water doesn't run as fast, and also causing more or faster rain to try to compensate! It's a terrible cycle that leads to the hill being damaged and ultimately distroyed.

So each time I feel down or horney, my body wants to jump the gun to immediately get that welcomed and familiar feeling associated with sexual stimulation and orgasm. Maybe my Will and resolve are like wind, blowing the water accross the hill to another path, a side of the hill which hasn't carried water much since I was a teenager. I'm gonna pray that God gives me strong lungs, and I think his Grace will eventually even "fill in" those 20 year old gulleys and ruts.

Is it Asking So Much?!!

I'm getting to grips with a big loss. They say grieving is:

letting go...
coming to terms with the loss of...
renogiating life without...

someone or something important to you.

So it could be a job, dear loved-one, or even a "habbit" or lie which gives some kind of comfort.

Whether it's boredom, an emotional dip, or just the desire to feel good, I can't have it anymore. The ability to get great feelings are now out of my control. They've been taken out of the category of entertainment like TV or a magazine or a treat (like a pizza). It was very solitary & simple. A decision that only involved me. Now these feelings are steeped under the banner of the myserious psyche of Woman, and part of that fuzzy, complicated and unpredictable thing called "relationship".

I heard myself say time and time again, "Is it so much to ask?!!!" (sounding like a 9 year-old kid, "It's not fair!!"). Is it so much to ask to want a BJ in the morning? Is it so much to ask to fancy a quickie? Am I really asking too much to want sex only once a day?

Well, one of those times I slipped (I had a whole evening to myself and just said, "what the heck") I downloaded some dodgy movie clips and eventually my Big-M counter was reset to "zero days". I must have thought, "I've blown it, so I may as well enjoy the digression" because I ended up M'ing three times that night.

Weird thing was, when she got home, I was just as screwed up and intensely obsessed with sex. The enemy went too far that time and gave away a part of his strategy, which made me realize something.

Enough is never enough.

If I got the answer, "Okay, once a day isn't too much", the empty needy hunger in me would soon say, "okay, now I want twice a day" and so on.

So, it is killing me to admit and accept it (good, DIE you bastard, DIE!!!) but yes, it is asking too much.

Lies & Damned Lies

I feel silly admitting to some of the lies that crept into my consciousness. But here goes.

Porn lies saying that it's okay for you to feel good anytime. It's all in your hands.
Porn lies saying you can control everything about sex (what, when, where, how).
Porn lies that it's okay to keep looking for something a bit sexier.
(instead of finding satisfaction, you learn to never be satisfied & just keep looking)

Porn programmed me to equate that a woman wearing sexy clothes is communicating that she is ready for sex. It's so stupid, so silly. Maybe that's not right. Maybe the dying selfishness cried out in attempt #631 saying, "Look, she's wearing a skirt, if she doesn't want you then you have plenty to be angry about".

Porn programs you to expect more, look for perfect physical beauty (look around the real world and consider things like aging and you'll see just another recipe for disaster).

Interesting how I desperately wanted attention/affirmation and to feel special at about the same time I was going through puberty and the masturbation stage. The typical porn scene has a beautiful woman desperate for sex, desperate for you. You imagine yourself with her and you have someone who really "wants" you. Physically it feels good, but deeper needs are being poisoned rather than actually addressed. Of course it's fake and empty and just leaves you wanting more.

When I see a pretty girl now, I often find myself saying to myself, "yeah, but she's pretty but she's just an ordinary girl, she's not a sex-kitten, not a nympho and not ready for rumpy-pumpy at the drop of a hat!" Sometimes I say this with anger like I've been duped into buying something and only after handing over my cash do I find out. Other times I say it in a reinforcing way, like someone chanting the 12 steps of AA or something.

Anger

I think this is one of the layers or keys (or something) behind the addiction.

Two years ago I talked and talked and obsessed about sex.

As time went by a subtle shift took place. I still obsessed about sexual gratification and fantasies, but the part of me fighting and trying to understand and conquer this thing, I thought more about my father and my childhood.

As the Porn and Masturbation drugs were used less and less, I realized that buried deeply beneath these coping mechanisms was anger that I was afraid to acknowledge even existed.

I'm in the process of realizing that I can't go on with these childish angry feelings. As I am now a father, I can't pretend that being perfect is an option for myself or my own father. I must "grow up" and forgive him. Again, it's not easy to put into words. It's not really that simple. If it was, I wouldn't take over two years to get there. It's a decision, but the decision is part of a process that just takes time.

Help, Advice

I'd love to help. It would make my day to find out that someone can learn from one of my mistakes. Wouldn't it be great to find out that I'm actually wise and uniquely talented and that I can make a difference to people?

But this is an odd fight. My demons don't disguise and expose themselves the way yours do. I'm only human, and this little blog is full of my failures and weaknesses.

Maybe knowing you've been "heard" or that I've offered up a prayer for you will help.
I'm on healed.addict at Gmail d0t com if you want to get in touch.

What advice would I give?

1. Find out who you can count on (wife, girlfriend, really good friend, parent, God). I think you'll need them. Let them know what's going on and find out how much help they can give. This stuff is so selfish, it can suck the life out of people and destroy a relationship. Be honest and accept that this person might not be the right person to lean on. Try to find a few guys who you can be honest with, rather than depend on only one person to support you.

2. Don't give up. My counselor gently offered that a stumble doesn't mean the war is over. Of course you want to keep away from the Big-M and pornography. But guilt and condemnation and feelings of failure are not helping you if they ultimately make you wanna give up. "Okay, I did go to that website that I decided isn't best for me, but I'm not giving up!" "Okay I was caught off guard and slipped, but I AM MAKING SOME PROGRESS BECAUSE ..."

3. Write down and update a list of stuff you KNOW. When it all feels like rubbish, reading it might mean nothing and not help at all, but going back to it again over time helped me to get sorta "centered" again.

Rolling Over to Go to Sleep

Some of the first changes were to do with sleeping. With the Big M gone, sex suddenly took on an overwhelmingly huge importance in my mind. I was obsessed. And, unfortunetaly for my wife, I often put her under subtle but real pressure to "help me". Anyway, the nights when sex wasn't on the cards, I laid in bed and stewed, boiled, tossed, turned and lost a lot of sleep. Thankfully that little mini-battle is over and now I only occasionally have touble sleeping like I used to before all this started. Looking back on it, I've let go and accepted that grown-up sexual relationships aren't available on-tap and no matter how cleverly it's covered up, a teenage tantrum or sulk will not change things.

This sounds kinda trite and simple looking back on it. It took many months for this process to complete. My determination is my greatest ally, but since I'm fighting against something "in me" I also come up against my own stubborness! "Hard Headedness" was the term used when I was a kid.

Story So Far...

I've been fighting against this addiction for over two years now, and thought getting my thoughts and feelings down might help some others.

I've been inspired by http://reallivepreacher.com and am not gonna preach or pretend I have all the answers, that it's easy, or that what works for one person will work for another.

So, a bit of

background:

My parents divorced when I was around puberty aged, and as one might imagine, my relationships with my parents didn't get any better. I can now see that I used masturbation as an escape of my feelings of anger & loneness--instead of it being a pretty healthy and normal temporary "phase" of activity. Fast forward to 25 years later. I'm very happily married. I actually think I'm very fortunate sexually--oddly enough! But I've had this dark spot which just wouldn't go away, get healed, grow-up or anything else. The internet has forced the problem into the foreground. Instead of trying to resist the adult magazines, it's been trying to resist typing certain words into search engines and certain URLs into the web-browser. The fact that computers are central to my career makes this interesting.


The big wake-up call came when I was caught after printing off some porn at work. My company handled it sensitively and fairly, but I knew I had broken company rules which could have cost my job. I'd been trying to fight this addiction for at least 10 years, but this turned up the temperature and made it a priority. My wife finally took it seriously and we started talking in earnest about spending some time and money to see a counselor.

I've understood some things, had some little "eureka" moments, but it's been more like cutting down a tree with a hand-saw than a chainsaw or explosives--which I've prayed for many times.

The only thing I've been sure of 100% of the time, is that giving up is not an option. Sometimes I've doubted God's love for me, my wife's acceptance of me, my own worth as a person. But thankfully, I've had an undescribable (sp?) rock-solid sureness that I'm gonna see this thing through. I don't know why. But I've always just known that I've known. Sounds like that elusive thing I've heard described and labeled as Faith.