I keep hearing myself thinking, "I wish.." and it's always things that I can't have. I wish she would do things that help me to feel loved, feel good.It's one day after my last post. I wasn't quite moping as much by noon as I was in the morning. I was a bit better by the evening. But I was quiet and distant. It was a protest for the fact that we hadn't made love the night before, plus a "low" because of how illogical and counterproductive that actually is. I wasn't as mad at her. I didn't actually think my strop would manipulate her to be drawn to me. Instead it was more like, "Fine, you don't want me, I don't need you either". "You don't want to give me what I want, I don't have to give you what you want". I tried to snap out of it, but couldn't.
At least I knew this was stupid enough to not try for sex that night. I made the bold move of saying "good night" thus releasing her from any further demands to talk and talk and talk or even fuck. Weird how right before that moment I was drifting to sleep, pretty relaxed. But when I said good night, and she said the same, I just started feeling so angry. I guess I was really "wishing" she'd say, "good night, but before we go to sleep, I'd really like to satisfy you!" or "Please don't go to sleep just yet, I so want you, I so need you,
I decided to say, "good night", it was really tough, and I wished there was another way. I did the same thing again just now emailing her saying, "let's decide right here and now that we're not gonna make love tonight". That was so difficult. As a result, I'm feeling sad and cross even now. I have to sleep without the chemical buzz of an orgasm. I have to roll over and not let anger blow my sleeping fuse.
I SO WISHED she'd say something, anything... other than, "okay". She's off the hook from having the pressure to help me sleep. It only would work if she wanted it. It's no good to ask or demand or need. I SO WISH that she would want what I want. I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH. but I want to be free
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