Landscape Gardening My Brain

I've had it explained to me that when certain stimulation is followed by certain actions, time and time again.. you get a biological explanation for a habit (or addiction). The brain impulses associated with strong feelings can be compared to a rain-shower. The decisions you make regarding these feelings can be mapped out on the landscape of your brain impulses. Imagine a hillside with rain falling on it.

It's gonna flow one way or another. At first it is anyone's guess which path it will take. But the result causes erosion, which means the next time it rains there's a greater chance the water will flow down the same path, making the path deeper, and reinforcing the "habit" even more.

The first time one masturbates--it feels good and sexual tension is released, at least. You might find deciding whether to masturbate an easy decision. The more you do it, the more erosion you get down this particular decision path, making it the favored path "of least resistance". Maybe the "Will" or "logic" or "reason" is loosing ground as the habit is strenthened. I'd like an explanation for why puttin a photo of my beloved family in front of my computer screen hasn't been enough to stop me from surfing to porn, which ultimately leads to the big M.

Maybe the storm is 'feeling depressed' or even a bigger worry about the future. I can imagine a lonely teenager feels trapped about these things. He needs an escape from the pain, wanting to replace the bad feeling with a good feeling.

But after hundreds of cycles of storm and rain, a trench has been dug down the side of the hill. Most of the rain is gonna flow down this path. Whereas once it was a random chance, now it's a sure-thing. The strong association between the feelings (rainstorm) and the path leading down the hill (masturbation) are cemented.

Reading about addiction and synapses here I'm encouraged by the fact although I have a very strong habit or psychological addiction, at least it isn't nearly as tough to conquer as a chemical addiction. I'm not a biologist, and don't understand this very well. But it sounds like the way drugs alter the landscape of synapse & neurotransmisions in the brain is a bit like the hill being somehow transformed so the water doesn't run as fast, and also causing more or faster rain to try to compensate! It's a terrible cycle that leads to the hill being damaged and ultimately distroyed.

So each time I feel down or horney, my body wants to jump the gun to immediately get that welcomed and familiar feeling associated with sexual stimulation and orgasm. Maybe my Will and resolve are like wind, blowing the water accross the hill to another path, a side of the hill which hasn't carried water much since I was a teenager. I'm gonna pray that God gives me strong lungs, and I think his Grace will eventually even "fill in" those 20 year old gulleys and ruts.