Story So Far...

I've been fighting against this addiction for over two years now, and thought getting my thoughts and feelings down might help some others.

I've been inspired by http://reallivepreacher.com and am not gonna preach or pretend I have all the answers, that it's easy, or that what works for one person will work for another.

So, a bit of

background:

My parents divorced when I was around puberty aged, and as one might imagine, my relationships with my parents didn't get any better. I can now see that I used masturbation as an escape of my feelings of anger & loneness--instead of it being a pretty healthy and normal temporary "phase" of activity. Fast forward to 25 years later. I'm very happily married. I actually think I'm very fortunate sexually--oddly enough! But I've had this dark spot which just wouldn't go away, get healed, grow-up or anything else. The internet has forced the problem into the foreground. Instead of trying to resist the adult magazines, it's been trying to resist typing certain words into search engines and certain URLs into the web-browser. The fact that computers are central to my career makes this interesting.


The big wake-up call came when I was caught after printing off some porn at work. My company handled it sensitively and fairly, but I knew I had broken company rules which could have cost my job. I'd been trying to fight this addiction for at least 10 years, but this turned up the temperature and made it a priority. My wife finally took it seriously and we started talking in earnest about spending some time and money to see a counselor.

I've understood some things, had some little "eureka" moments, but it's been more like cutting down a tree with a hand-saw than a chainsaw or explosives--which I've prayed for many times.

The only thing I've been sure of 100% of the time, is that giving up is not an option. Sometimes I've doubted God's love for me, my wife's acceptance of me, my own worth as a person. But thankfully, I've had an undescribable (sp?) rock-solid sureness that I'm gonna see this thing through. I don't know why. But I've always just known that I've known. Sounds like that elusive thing I've heard described and labeled as Faith.