Is it Asking So Much?!!

I'm getting to grips with a big loss. They say grieving is:

letting go...
coming to terms with the loss of...
renogiating life without...

someone or something important to you.

So it could be a job, dear loved-one, or even a "habbit" or lie which gives some kind of comfort.

Whether it's boredom, an emotional dip, or just the desire to feel good, I can't have it anymore. The ability to get great feelings are now out of my control. They've been taken out of the category of entertainment like TV or a magazine or a treat (like a pizza). It was very solitary & simple. A decision that only involved me. Now these feelings are steeped under the banner of the myserious psyche of Woman, and part of that fuzzy, complicated and unpredictable thing called "relationship".

I heard myself say time and time again, "Is it so much to ask?!!!" (sounding like a 9 year-old kid, "It's not fair!!"). Is it so much to ask to want a BJ in the morning? Is it so much to ask to fancy a quickie? Am I really asking too much to want sex only once a day?

Well, one of those times I slipped (I had a whole evening to myself and just said, "what the heck") I downloaded some dodgy movie clips and eventually my Big-M counter was reset to "zero days". I must have thought, "I've blown it, so I may as well enjoy the digression" because I ended up M'ing three times that night.

Weird thing was, when she got home, I was just as screwed up and intensely obsessed with sex. The enemy went too far that time and gave away a part of his strategy, which made me realize something.

Enough is never enough.

If I got the answer, "Okay, once a day isn't too much", the empty needy hunger in me would soon say, "okay, now I want twice a day" and so on.

So, it is killing me to admit and accept it (good, DIE you bastard, DIE!!!) but yes, it is asking too much.