January 2009 Update

So I'm finding it hard to get motivated at work. Is it jus Monday-ite-is? I feel like retreating and hiding and escaping away somewhere far far away from this drudgery.

Is this the kind of thing that I was retreating away from when a teenager? Was it the usual challenges of working and competing that I ran from with masturbation and porn?

Oh, by the way, speaking of orgasms... She was tired last night, but willing. I was reading that, and decided to "let her off the hook". Miraculous for me to turn down an orgasm. I've been very well looked after recently, but the fact that her period is coming any day now, means I was saying no to an orgasm while expecting a dry spell just 'round the corner as well. I don't find myself able to get as turned-on when from oral sex when she's on her period. I know all to well that she's not feeling sexual. I can't keep any fantasy going (that she's loving loving me, etc.). Major improvement that I'm only writing about this after I've written about work. Sex isn't everything, I guess. And world record count since last M!

So, let's write (talk) through some of these feelings. I'm torn by a few of somehow protect myself from being "tricked" into doing the wrong work, to much work. On the other hand, I know that my value as an employee is based on my productivity. Maybe that's what I'm doing, rebelling against just being valued for what I do, rather than who I am. Or maybe I'm reconsidering my motivations as to why I work anyway. All my life I've been one of the hardest workers, but now I see the reason has been for praise and acceptance and hopes of pats on the back to fill what has been un-fullfilled by my father.

It's another form of self-destruction (or crying out for help). I knew that porn would ultimately destroy my financially, professionally and familially. In the same way, I know I need to get my butt in grear and embrase work again!